So, looking at music. Looking at my beingness within music a lot of stuff came up in just a moment as secrets thoughts I participate in. Really, really subtle thoughts that are just for a split second. Yet thoughts that I have allowed to influence me and give permission to be my master.
So these thoughts where one. Where I compared myself to fidelis, and I have a clear memory of judging cerises voice at a point in the song. Also complementing within me Fidelis ability to play guitar. And judging his way of singing as not being natural enough.
Also while doing the music I remember myself thinking to myself how much a great music compilation this is going to be. Also dreaming about finishing my album. Basically an entire mind-construct played out here. Beginning with my self-forgiveness on self-movement. Which then lead me to standing beside my drums. Contemplating about buying new head-phones so that I could record my drums. And then I got to, the internal conflict of deciding wether I am to have drums in my music or not drums. Like if I am going to make everything in one single theme or not.
And then, what happened then. Yes, I remember reading on facebook that someone was going to buy Fidelis CD on itunes. What came up instantly within me was like a comparison and judgement towards myself for not having put out my music on the internet yet.
So those where fascinating points. It’s like fascinating how hard it is for me to do the music for myself. It’s like a struggle without any like. I always want to drag others into my process of making music. I want their judgement, I want their opinion. I want them to see me as usefull. Oh, and I remember for a short while. Me dreaming about creating my own band. A very consistent desire that comes up within me and that I still allow myself to participate in. But it’s strange that I do. Oh, I started dreaming about maybe moving into town. Maybe, changing where I am going to college so that I will be able to play in a band. And all this was created from looking at the desteni video on hope. Where it was like, oh, act, act,act do what it is that you want to do. And this was actually a energy that I accessed. The energy of moving myself. The energy, the positive energy of getting somewhere in my life. Of doing something in my life. It’s all these dreams and hopes that makes it hard for me to ever stand beside a decision that I make. Because I am so fucking unstable in my mind. Because there perceptions, and feelings and energies shift all the time.
So quite a large amount of my day, man it’s unbelieveble the amount of shit I participate in daily without really seeing or knowing it.
What did I more go through within my music. To practice it was quite cool. Not much movement. I did enjoy it. Though my hands became really numb. I enjoyed the thought of me becoming good at musical instruments. Like, I have teached myself so many musical instruments. I am really awesome at this. And then the thought came up of, but I have wasted so much time on learning these skills. These skills that I probably won’t have any use for at all. And then after that came up, but oh, I should become something. like start my band. really form my band. And then Queen came up, like a short sentence from someone speaking about queen. about how his way of playing piano really could entice a public. That it was his piano playing skills that made the concert.
And I remember dreaming about Bernard and Sunette accepting me, or like complementing me for the way I played piano and expressed myself in music. And hearing people speak about me. Like oh, he can play music. And also dreaming about getting the acceptance and recognition from Fidelis that I can now play piano also. That I have now individualized myself in piano playing and learned yet another skill. And then I remember thinking about how people will percieve and experience my voice, and my piano playing when I have done a video and placed it on youtube. Like, thinking, oh man, that guy can really, really play piano very awesome.
So that was what moved within me during this time. An entire line of information. Going back and forth within me through different thoughts.
Coming to the farm is within me a feeling of uncomfort. I don’t feel very cool coming to the farm. It’s like I am insecure of coming to the farm. And I have imagined myself being on the farm. And in way’s fucked up. Like done things where i have drawn the attention of Bernard or someone else. coming and screaming at me. There is also a comparison with Adrian. Because I saw adrian being at the farm, and how he hugged Jorn at one picture. And I immedietly like, wanted that. I wanted to find my place at the farm. Like wanted to fit in on the farm and find closeness with the beings at the farm.
There is like a fear of coming to the farm. Discussing and being with people. like a expectation of myself to be something special when I come to the farm. Hearing that people enjoy the people there. And seeing people writing on chat with each-other. It’s like they have found each-other, they have found a intimacy together. And it’s that intimacy and closeness that I have tried to find for a very long time. Seperate from myself. Might be that’s why I had so many friends. And why I tried to get so many friends all the time. Because I wanted to feel like I belonged. I wanted to feel missed and like i had a place somewhere. And yet, I never felt like that. I always felt like i was the outsider. And like I was never really initiated in any groups. I was always the outside friend. That nobody called. That nobody noticed. That nobody knew about really. I was never someones best friend.
That actually bothered my quite a bit. That i never had a best friend. That i never had someone in my life that I confined all my secrets to. That i told everything about myself to. I remember that, that I felt pretty, like, isolated, because I kept everything from myself. And everyone else seemed to have these open, expansive, and just cool relationships with each other. Where they did all these special things together. And where they had these special moments of communication.
So coming to the farm, I am a bit nervous about it. Mostly because of. I don’t know if I will fit in. It’s always that point of I don’t know how I will be. And it’s especially so with the beings from desteni. Because I still hold on there to a desire of being accepted. I still hold on to a desire of being appreciated and needed. And coming to the farm. i see it as coming to friends. The problem with having a friend is that you can loose a friend. By stating within myself that I am close to someone, or that I am having a friend, I create a definition of myself in relation to something, and the I fear. I create the fear of loosing that. And that is what I have done with desteni.
And what I basically see as the reason for this is a lack of self-independency, self-reliance, self-trust and self-movement.
This is what I have to work on within myself. To really stand here for myself. As myself. And live my own life. Without being controlled by others. And live life for myself without all the time having desteni as a idea in my head. Because I know it’s still there. And it has been others things before. Other pictures. Now it’s desteni. It’s limiting me. And it’s holding me back from exploring myself and getting to know how I really am. For myself.