I got down into a small these last moments. Don’t, I know why. Because I lied down to sleep, and look at a movie in my bed. And in that moment I thought that I had already lied in my bed to much today. And that I should rather sit up and look at the screen.
This depression was actually followed, or directly inter-related with many thoughts coming up about me doing something. About me moving myself in a particular direction. It has something to do with the fact that I for the last two day’s produced some vlogs, and it felt good, and I felt like I had some purpose. Like, I am moving myself to establish equality, and I have actually stuff to do.
And now, the energy ran out, and if I am to move myself now, it will be done without any energetic incitement at all. Which is actual real self-movement, when it’s done with any energetic charge, or any purpose, or any drive.
So the depression came up because I wanted to do something, yet, I felt like I had no energy and no desire to actually do something. And I didn’t really know what to do. What is fascinating is that, I was lying in my bed watching a documentary. Which is something that I enjoy, and something that assists me in expanding my understanding of the current system. And then I felt like, this what I am doing isn’t actually enough. I need to do something more.
So the depression got sparked by the, I need to do something more syndrome. I need to become something more. I need to accomplish something more. And actually, I remember having thoughts of doing a documentary, where I would film people in my school, where I would edit the film, and where I would actually become famous for making a cool documentary. That is the kind of thoughts that is driving this experience. Because, it’s the thought of want and need to become something that is separate from here. Like in this case, a very cool documentary filmer. Like a dream and desire. And because I don’t have that here, I enter to the energy of depression.
And this is has been a re-occuring pattern within me. Nowadays, I stop this pattern before I actually live it out. And living this pattern out means that I will fully start to participate in some kind of thing. I am going to take a decision, which will feel, like it’s a brand new start for me. I am going to, within this decision feel energetically charged, and powerful, and I am going to feel like world is at the front of my feet.
I will then start to move myself within this decision, until the energy run out, and I don’t want to do that very thing no more. And that is the pattern which is playing out at this moment. Now it’s actually in relation to my vlogging, blogging, my participation with desteni, and also a desire to become something within this. That is why, I feel dissatisfied with myself. Because I feel like I must do more and more in order to become something within this. It’s thus not done for myself, here, but it’s done in order to achieve, and succeed, and basically satisfy ideas and concepts of the mind that isn’t really here.
And when I enter this state of the competitor, where I will structure my life systematically. I will begin to live more systematically. For example, I write, but there is no self-enjoyment or self-expression within the writing. There is only, I am writing to get this done, so that I can get to the next task and get that task done. So that I can get where I want to get.
It’s that point of making myself systematic and mechanic that also holds a lot of the reason as to why I experience myself as being depressed. Because, there is no presence in what I do here. I am separated, and instead of being here within every moment. Where I am moving myself as the moment, enjoying myself as what is here, I am projecting. And I am doing things in my mind, and thus completely missing myself, self-expression, here, the physical.
I am getting aware of this point, and how this point is influencing me and my life. It’s also the point of me wanting my life to be in a specific way. It’s so limiting to have a future. It’s so limiting to have a path your going to walk. It’s so limiting to have something to reach, because it takes away so much from reality and from that which is here. Which is me. If I am already set to go somewhere within my mind, set to become something within my mind, I miss out on reality, that is here. And I miss out on opportunities and possibilities that presents themselves here, because I am totally fucked and lost in my mind. Which is just, not comfortable, and not enjoyable at all.
Thus it’s to become satisfied with myself here and walk this process as myself. The process of politics, as well as the process of purifying myself. I am walking it here as myself, and there is no plan, there is no expectation to reach, or come, or get anywhere. I am allowing myself to be here and walk in the moment.
I also feel, that laziness play’s a part in this. Because I was lying in my bed, and I looked at two documentaries, and the day before I was also lying in my bed looking at two documentaries. The thing is, what is it that I should do then? Read. It’s the same as looking at a movie. The point is not about what I do, but about who I am within it. Am I directive, and am I aware of what I am doing. Or am I following a pre-programmed path. In terms of looking at documentaries, this is me, and I am aware of what I am doing. I am researching the current monetary system. And there is no place I could be more effective, there is nothing more that I should be doing. I can only do as much as I can do in one breath. And that is enough. Thus I allow myself to let go, and I allow myself to trust myself in relation to self-movement. And do that which I see is supportive for me, supportive for everyone.
And the point of poker have also opened up, I am going to push myself to start playing poker. To, push myself in situations of pressure. Which is basically, situations where a lot of money is at stake. And it’s a arena that I’ve always been afraid of. The gambling arena. And I’ve not liked gambling, because I have feared that I was going to get addicted to gambling. Or that I was going to loose all my money by gambling. It’s just, stupid fears, and it’s time to gamble some. So I am going to set that up.
Okay, that is enough of mind-constructs. I am still practicing mind-constructs and how to write them out. I like to write my mind constructs, in a very, sloppy, manner, like, very fast and just as it comes up in the moment. And this brings up some reactions within me. Because part of me feels like I should write my mind-constructs much more organized, and that I should be much more specific and concentrated when I do my mind-constructs and another part of me, just want’s to write out the mind-constructs, just like I do when I am writing. Basically I write out the sequence of thoughts and how they are coming out. And I want to ask muscle communication about this. But I realize it’s just up to oneself, as to how one want’s to utilize the tools, and express the tools.
The fear this comes from. Because it’s in essence a fear, it’s the fear of not making process. And that I will, if I don’t write out my mind-constructs properly and correctly not be able to transcend the mind.
But, in self-honesty, I see that this way is effective. The thing I might be missing with this is working with a point specifically and intently all the way through, with self-forgiveness, and self-statements, because that I am not utilizing yet. And that is the point I see as valid.
But, fuck it, I am here, and I express myself. I enjoy these tools, as I apply them, and I do what works for me. And at the moment, working with mind-constructs this way works for me.