>The point of the savings and my father. It’s a fascinating point, because I don’t really treat the savings as if they are mine. I have them there, a gigantic pool of money. But I don’t really use them, to the extent that I could use them. Basically because I fear loosing them, and I fear then living from hand to mouth. Not having anything more than the salary of the month.
I actually fear that a lot, because there might be some eventuality, there might be something that happens.
And then, without any warning I am totally fucked, and my entire life is totally fucked. Though, it could be like that in every moment that I am totally fucked. I mean, I could go out on the streets and be hit by a car. And then my life would be totally fucked. I have gotten used to these savings, I have gotten used to living a comfortable life because all of these savings has always been with me. And I have now told myself that I am going to wait until my life becomes a little more stable before I actually spend my savings.
What the fuck does that mean? When is my life going to become a little more stable? When is my life ever really stable? What I am look at as stable is having my apartment, and a steady pay from month to month. I have one bill to pay, and I am paying this bill every month. And I have my economy planned out over a long period of time. That is basically my definition and idea of stability. That I am living in a house, that I own, and I have money, and I can clearly see how there is not going to be any trouble in my life what-so-ever.
So there still exists survival within me, and their still exists fear. Yet, I don’t want to waste my fucking money and bullshit.
A actual practical reason as to why I don’t buy shit now is because I will eventually move. And the more shit I buy the more shit will have to move. That is a relevant reason. The reason that I am waiting for my stability to take place, it’s not valid. Stability will never exist in this money system. I will never experience a time of total stability.
I see that this definition that there is actual stability in this system got formed in my youth, when my parents lived the life. It was very, very stable, and there didn’t seem to be much fear or anxiety at all in terms of money. Everything just seemed to work, and everything just seemed to be in place, and everything just seemed to flow by itself.
And that came to be my stability, that house which I lived in with my parents. And my sibling. It was like nothing could threaten us there in that neighborhood, everything was so protected and easy going. And I dream that I would also one day be able to live in the same way.
And I guess that as I started to smoke Marijuana, and I started to dream about living in a house out in the woods. That this was the same thing I was looking at. A point of stability, a point of being sure that this home was always going to stand there for me, and that it was not going to disappear. It was going to be my security. And I dreamed a lot about having a house in the country, and at one point I almost bought one. If I had known more about how the banking system operated I would have probably bought one.
I have viewed the home, the farm, the place where you live as your security. And it is from this place that you live, and you create, and you express yourself. It’s in your home that you build your life as you collect possessions and you slowly build up your life. So that is why I wanted to have a farm. Because I wanted to have my own garden, I wanted to have my studio, I wanted to have all these things because I thought it would ground me and give me a experience of being stable, being calm and not stressed, but rather, very much comfortable.
Each time I have actually fulfilled one of these dreams, and I realize now as I am writing that most of my dreams have this same starting point. Even the dreams where I wanted to give myself a purpose or a interest. It is the same thing that I have wanted. A grounding a experience. Something that I can hold myself onto, like my rock of stability in this world that I can sit on and that I can return to and that I can always trust to be there. And it’s like this because I have never been that rock of stability to myself. I have never experienced myself as grounded here.
The experience of not being grounded began when I was moving around a lot with my parents. But no, not really, it wasn’t so much of a hassle to me.
But this is the point, my search for a self-definition. And my search to be able to calmly lie myself down into this self-definition and from there experience peace and security the rest of this life. Basically searching for a point where I can be calm and where I can be satisfied with myself. Not seeing that this point is not separate from me, it’s who I am, if I develop myself to stand as that.
This is the reason to why I have searched for relationships and friends, to why I have shifted from interest to interest, to why I haven’t been able to stick with my decisions and live my decisions through into completion. Because, I have never been satisfied with myself. And the point, the actual point of stability and security, and purpose, which is basically, a point of finding meaning to be here, has never revealed itself in what I have been doing. And as such I have continued to search, continued to look, walking from thing to thing and always missing myself that was right here.
So I am living myself as stability, and not as security, but as comfort. As stability and comfort. And meaning, it’s a, what is meaning, meaning is to apply myself in relation to what is best for everyone. And meaning is to apply myself in relation to what is best for myself. Any other meaning doesn’t exist, meaning is here in this moment, as who I allow myself to be, as the direction I allow myself to take, as the considerations I allow myself to do. And other than that, meaning, and purpose doesn’t exist. When I express and live as life there is no purpose, because I am the purpose. And there is nothing that is separate from me.