De-constructing my Money-Construct Part: 2

So – taking a part more of my life in relation to money. How I decided to live and apply myself because of money.

After I was done with my high school I decided that I absolutely didn’t want to have any part in our current society. I didn’t want to have a normal 9-5 job; I didn’t want to become the John Doe slaving in the system for the rest of his life. Thus, I decided to get myself an interesting job – a fun job. I decided I was going to escape from the money system.

What I did was that I took courses in diving with the purpose of becoming a dive-master. I did this through believing that if I was able to get away from Sweden, to a hot tropical country – I would end up in some rural location where there was no money; where I would be able to live my life only diving casually and having fun. I dreamt that this place I would be able to locate myself at as a dive-instructor would be free from the capitalism that I saw in my own country, as I had at that time realized how absolutely meaningless and pointless life had become in relation to living in the matrix. All and everything in the matrix I realized was a prison built up around money and so I attempted my escape.

During this time I was planning my escape as I was learning to become a dive-instructor to reach a life of self-independence from the money system. A point of independence from survival, where I would be able to let go of my fears and anxieties in relation to survival and only enjoy me. During this time I held extreme amounts of fear within me in relation to money – even though I had quite big amount of savings.

It was these savings that my parents gave me which I used to embark upon me quest for independence, I didn’t at that time see how I was through embarking upon this quest of becoming a dive-instructor actually placing myself in a position of even more dependence to my parents in relation to money. I didn’t see and realize that me becoming a dive-instructor would mean that I placed myself in a position of hardship and slavery, as that is the reality of those that are paid a low-wage. In which category the dive-instructors happen to be in. Thus, at this moment in time I was still very naïve as to my relation to the money system, I actually believed that I could escape that harsh and brutal reality of the money system, that I could escape my future of slaving for money, through getting a “fun, creative, adventurous” job. Man, I came to see that I was very, very wrong.

It’s fascinating; I arrived in Thailand by myself in order to take up the quest of unleashing myself from the shackles of the money system. Though, I was actually carrying the very money system with me, inside me, as I existed within anxiety that I was going to loose any of the money that I had brought with myself to Thailand. I was very afraid that I would waste my savings and I remember that during my trip in Thailand I during some moments experienced heavy anxiety, to the point where I brought up my notebook and started to sketch down numbers, which was my money. I sketched it all down until I got ease myself within the realization that; I had enough money to survive this day!

Anyway, I lost about ¼ of my traveling money during the first days of my adventure. I got ripped of and I got robbed. LOL – it’s fascinating how this possessed me to the extreme. As I lost the money which I had planned would sustain me for at least 2 months I went into a complete mental breakdown. I searched for some support and help as I was sitting and attempting to “make myself friends” with some total strangers, LOL, I just wanted someone that could protect me from this harsh and brutal reality, because I knew – if I don’t have money I am fucked.

Unfortunately, no one cared about me. LOL – Obviously, everyone only cares about themselves and their money, as I only cared about my money and myself.

After some struggles in my trip in relation to my money I finally reached my destination as the place in which I was going to complete my education to become a dive-instructor. What I saw as I came to this location was that – fuck! This is the same shit as I left back home. Everything here is built up around money; all this fucking diving is only an excuse to get more money. I saw the poverty that was everywhere around me in Thailand and I saw the ignorance, the blatant disregard of myself and the other tourists that came with money to have their dreams of freedom be fulfilled.

It’s really fucked up and still within this experience my highest concern was my own money. I changed hotels one time because I thought that the pricing was to high. Within this I went into anxiety and I yet again started calculating my money as I now had wasted money on two hotels during one day.

I spent one day at this diving resort, then I changed my mind and I left. Or it might have been two day’s. What was I looking for? I was looking for adventure, rural culture where nothing was tainted with money, where there was actual intimacy and enjoyment within the people and where there was no “masks” no deceptive behavior in relation to money. That was what I saw everywhere, these high-pitched tonalities and pleasing behaviors, everything to get money and I didn’t want to be a part of it.

I left to work as a volunteer in a school in which I was teaching English. This was where I found Desteni and looking at it makes sense that I found Desteni at this time. Anyway.

I stayed in Thailand for about 4 months, traveling around experiencing apparent adventure and freedom but I wasn’t free and there was no adventure. I could see everywhere around me how I was the elite and the abuser of this world, because I had more money than everyone else. I could go to a foreign country and live out my dreams, become a English teacher, buy myself new clothes, rent a scooter.

One of the reasons as to why I choose to travel to Thailand in order to escape the boredom and imprisonment of the money system was because everything was cheap there. I wanted to save as much money as I could save in order to keep the little apparent freedom I had, the little apparent safety I had, the little apparent stability I had. I chose to travel to Thailand due to money.

I chose to volunteer partly because of money, as I realized that if I was volunteering I wouldn’t waste any money!

I also remember that I was looking to get myself an education in Thailand so that I would be able to become a English teacher. I didn’t do that because of money, because my parents told me to not waste my savings and by god! I absolutely didn’t want to waste my savings. I was terrified to waste my savings. So I choose to go with the alternative that presented itself as a lesser risk in relation to loosing money.

I remember feeling more secure when I was doing volunteer work, as I at that time had access to a house in which I didn’t need to pay rent. This made me feel better, a lot better, as I then wouldn’t waste money!

It’s strange what extreme influence money has upon me, whether I am spending money, gaining money, loosing money. To loose money and be in a position where I loose more money than what I get, makes me uncomfortable. To be in a position in which I get more money than what I loose, makes me comfortable.

I’ve taken decisions because of this, where I will strive to take the less risky route in terms of loosing money. I will always make sure, no matter what I do, that there is a possibility for me to re-gain what I’ve spent. That I will not spend money so-called, unnecessarily, in which case I don’t get the money back.

Another fascinating thing is that, through me not wanting to get “caught” in this system, I’ve searched for alternate routes. Through going with these alternate routes I’ve actually set myself up to get “caught” in the system, through becoming one of those with no faces, through me not having an education and a stable income. I’ve corrected and realized the point and I’ve realized the importance of making myself a face in the system, through education and a stable income. I’ve also realized that I can’t stop at this – I must use my face given to me through the money system in order to stand up and be seen and heard, to change this system once and for all.

I can’t escape this current money system, it’s everywhere. I can let go of my fear, my anxiety and stand up to make a difference.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into total fear and anxiety when I don’t have access to money

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I am loosing more money than what I am gaining

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted towards saving money, in fear of ever being without money

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted towards having big savings, in fear that I am going to loose control over my money

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking decisions in which I am not absolutely sure that I will be able to have a steady income

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone with no money, and feel afraid and uncomfortable towards being alone having no money

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will become stuck in the money system and experience myself at a 9-5 job

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and feel uncomfortable towards people that deceive and place masks in front of their faces in order to get money

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to run away from the money system, to attempt to run away from slavery and what I’ve allowed myself to become as this world and as this current system

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and fear when I stand the risk of loosing money

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and fear when I notice that my decisions will make it so that my supply of money will decrease

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making decisions that will decrease the amount of money that I have – in fear that I am not going to be able to get as much money back

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money in fear that I won’t get as much money back

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more stable, more secure, more safe when I have a job and when I am able to get more money in than what goes out

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to have that which is the cheapest and less expensive in fear of loosing money, in fear of becoming a slave and a faceless being in this society

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending up as faceless, as lost, as someone that has no money and thus receives no support and no assistance

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resist and separate myself from the current capitalistic system

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike being in the current capitalistic system, because everywhere I turn people want to take my money, and I desire to keep my money

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to come to a place where I am able to receive more money than what I do currently, within the belief that this will make me feel safer and more secure within my application of myself

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and anxiety when I am not at home with my parents and suddenly I loose control over my money, in fear that I won’t be able to sustain myself and live as I planned that I would live

21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from buying things that I see will assist and support within my expression, in fear that I won’t be able to get the money back

22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with saving money and with always making sure that I have enough money to make it to the next month

23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying things, in fear that this is going to decrease the money that I currently own, in fear that I won’t be able to get a job, or find a way to earn myself more money

24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to find a way to have a creative, happy, and enjoyable life in this current money system

25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making “big purchases” in fear of doing a purchase which I will not be able to get back in money

26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety and fear when I am faced with the situation of not having any money and any friends from which I can get support in order to get money

27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in this ruthless and brutal world with no money

28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my life in order to attempt to protect myself from this world with money

29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ever loosing my money, in fear that I won’t be able to protect myself from this world

30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t have control over my money, that I won’t have sufficient with money to make it to the next month, in fear that I won’t be able to protect myself and seclude myself from this world

31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my money, in fear that I will end up in a position of having to live from month to month in uncertainty if I am going to survive

32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to live a life in which I can be creative, expressive, explorative, spontaneous, because I have to work all the time

33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming lost in this world and not anymore being able to rely upon my parents supporting me with money, because I am lost and a nobody in this enormous system, left to my own devices

34. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being left to my own device in this system without being able to rely upon my parents, upon friends, upon desteni, upon anything separate from me

35. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened and unsafe being alone in this world, knowing that my survival is solely dependent upon my self-movement

36. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always seek for the most cheap, the less expensive way, in fear that I will loose my money

37. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to do bargains, to seek to enlarge the money I already have with the purchases I make

38. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to make lot’s of money with the purchases I do, in the desire that I will be able to make my money more

39. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to expand my portfolio of money, in the desire to survive and be protected from this world

40. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to make more money than what I spend, to desire that it will be certain that I make lot’s of money before I invest my money

41. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving, in fear that I won’t receive back

42. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear investing and fear moving myself with my money, in fear that I won’t receive any money back

I am here.

I allow myself to stand one and equal with my money in relation to practical reality. Thus I spend and I use money in relation to practically supporting myself as my human physical body and as the my responsibilities in my world.

I will myself to let go of any mind-delusions such as fears in relation to money, to make money only a point of practicality in my world and nothing more.

I am here

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One thought on “De-constructing my Money-Construct Part: 2

  1. Anna

    WOW – Awesome post. Very cool insights about the absurdities of seeking freedom from money, through Money. I will definitely pick up the point of how Money has played a role in my life…
    Thanks Viktor!

    P.S: I Suggest to give this post a different title so that more people can find it and in-sight themselves.

    Like

    Reply

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