De-constructing my Money-Construct Part: 3

During one point in my life I decided I was going to make money. At that time I had gotten home from Thailand and I didn’t have anything in particular to do – thus I decided I was going to travel to Norway in order to make myself money.

Thus – I placed myself on a bus heading to Norway. I got of and I ventured to my hostel and I placed all of my baggage on my bed. During the following two weeks I would experience the most intense anxiety and fear that I’ve ever felt in relation to money; to the extent that I couldn’t sleep at night, simply because, I had no place where I could live and I had no job to get a steady flow of money coming in.

The moment I came to Norway, more specifically in the town of governance called Oslo, I started to look for jobs and apartment. Before I had arrived I had prepared myself through calling people in relation to getting myself an apartment and a job. Thus – I started to visit all the places and people that I beforehand had made contact with in order to make my time of living on hostels shorter.

I felt very uncomfortable to live in a hostel and at the same time have no job. Because the hostels where expensive to live in and as I had no job, everyday the money I had with me got less and less. The fascinating thing is that, at this time my savings was quite substantial and I had a family with substantial economic “power”, thus there was no actual danger in relation to my life. The danger was to loose my money, which was only that, to loose my money and not be able to anymore sustain myself in the city of Oslo – even though there was lot’s of possibilities for me if things would have fucked up completely.

During two weeks I walked around in Oslo to go to job interviews and to get myself an apartment. Yes, you heard right – I walked! The reason as to why I walked was to save money and it’s totally ludicrous because as I said, I had my savings and I would theoretically have been able to live in Oslo with the money I brought for several months. Though, I completely failed to see the mathematics behind money and only acted in regard of my emotional experience of anxiety and fear in relation to loosing my money.

Thus – I walked around for about two weeks in order to get myself a job and apartment. To get a apartment went faster than to get a job.

After the second day I got in contact with someone that supplied small rooms, it was perfect and precisely what I needed in order to settle myself into the new country. Though, the price! The price was to high I thought and in my mind I started to run rampant as to how much money this would cost me. What would be my expenses How much savings would I have left?! To add here is that, at the moment it was quite difficult to get an apartment in Oslo – thus when this opportunity opened up I was very content as I realized that I could finally get a place of my own instead of having to live in a hostel, in the same room as many others. But, I said no – the price was to high! I must be able to get something better I told myself.

And actually, one of the reasons as to why I said no was that I had another apartment with a cheaper monthly rent “on the hook” so to speak. Thus – I said no to settling myself in a comfortable room and instead continued to live in a hostel, which isn’t very comfortable at all.

The next day I got to hear that the apartments I thought was “on the hook” was not going to me. I was without a home! Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety – why didn’t I take that other room? Those where the thoughts/experience within me as I realized that I had now given away a perfectly fine opportunity to get myself a comfortable place to live in, that was cheaper than a hostel, in order to save money – which anyway, didn’t happen!

Thus – I experienced lots of anxiety at this moment as I realized that I would have to stay at the hostel even longer, the hostel being almost as a hotel and thus having quite a high rent. That night I slept hardly nothing, I don’t think I slept very much any of those nights which I spent in the hostel – in expectation and doubt as to whether I would be able to settle myself through getting a job and a apartment or not. Would I be able to settle myself in the time frame that I had? Which was the savings I had brought with me.

Fortunately I was able to get a room some day’s later. Within this I experienced a sense of ease and stability as I had finally managed to get a stable point into my life. The stable point being a small room in which I could place all my belongings and now that they would be there as I came back and I also had a bad and my computer there. Everything to make it comfortable and relaxed for me, which I didn’t at all experience in the hostel. Where my stay felt very unstable, as if I at any day could loose my bed at the hostel and if I placed my belongings on my bed others that lived in the same room would easily be able to steal from me whatever they wanted. To get an apartment was very nice and I could finally let go some of my anxiety. But now came the second task – getting myself a job!

To get myself a job took almost two weeks. In which I each and everyday worried that I wouldn’t be able to get a job and that I because of this would loose my newly gained apartment.

During this time I walked everywhere in order to save money for busses. And fuck! I walked miles and miles and miles! All within the experience of satisfaction within the realization and knowing that I was saving money.

I remember that I in the beginning found a job as a day-care teacher. It was a job with fucked up conditions, but I took it anyway. I wasn’t a very good day-care teacher and so I got fired after 2 day’s – LOL! That brought up ton’s of anxiety within me and I pleaded to the manager to take me back. LOL! Nope your gone son! Nobody wants to have you back here.

At one point I found two jobs at one time – in which I experienced tons of anxiety. The reason being that I got one job with a lower pay confirmed, this job was mine, at the same time I awaited response from another employee in relation to a job with a higher pay than the first job. Thus the anxiety! Should I say yes to the first job and at least secure myself a small income? Should I wait for the other employee to call me and hope that he will give me the job? What am I going to do?

Eventually after lots of bullshit I got a job I felt saved – I felt like a big stone had been let of my chest. Now only came the worry to keep my job! But at least I had a job, a steady income and a small room. I could survive! And my savings was still with me! I still had my money.

This entire process took about two weeks I think – in which I basically was in total anxiety the entire time and I asked others if they experienced what I experienced. They said yes, they where also in complete anxiety. I could see it as I was walking around and interacting with people that shared the same house as me, in the house in which I had my little room. We where all completely possessed with fear and worry and it’s a fear and worry that never ends, if you don’t stop yourself that is, because each month you are always dependent upon being accepted by the system to make your ends meet. And if your ends don’t meet you will be in great trouble and end up in a position in which you will have an even tougher time to “get yourself back”.

It’s really fucked up – that all the time there is this uncertainty in relation to money and if you are going to get it or not. There is never certainty in relation to money, no matter how financially stable you get – there is always the possibility that you are going to loose it all.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my savings are going to run out – to fear taking the bus – to fear taking upon myself more expenses than incomes in fear that I am going to loose my money

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and fear when I don’t have a place to stay, as a apartment

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and fear when I realize that I am wasting more money than what I am bringing in – and that if I don’t manage to turn this around, eventually I will be broke

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t get a job, that I won’t get stable income, in fear that my money is going to run out and that I am not going to be able to sustain myself

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a place in which I can protect my belongings, in fear of loosing my belongings

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a stable point in my reality, as a apartment, as a place which I know I will be able to go to if I get cold, or experience myself physically discomfort able

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in a big town without having any money

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the uncertainty that exists in relation to money, the fear that I won’t have enough money at the end of the month to make ends meet

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my relaxation and ease within the dependency of having money and having a stable place to stay in as an apartment and having a stable income as a job

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a state of constant anxiety and fear when I don’t have the ability to generate a sufficient income for me to be able to sustain myself

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will loose my job and that I will become evicted from my apartment and that I thus will find myself to be at the lower end of society

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any savings – in fear that I am going to spend more money than what I’ve been able to generate, in fear that I won’t be able to sustain my current way of living as having a comfortable apartment and food to eat

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant state of anxiety and fear when I don’t have enough money to sustain my current way of living

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant state of fear and anxiety and not be able to sleep – when I see that I have more expenses than what I have incomes

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant state of worry and anxiety that I won’t have enough money to sustain myself with food, with clothes, and that I will loose my current protection in society in the form of a apartment and a job

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to have money to protect myself with against society and against a life of being a outcast

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to do anything and everything in order to save as much money as possible in order to prevent me from facing my fear of becoming a outcast and a faceless person in the system

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to protect myself from the brutality and harshness of this world – as the disregard that exists for people that has no money

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will loose and not be able to win, and get the money I need in order to sustain my life and protect myself from this world

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant anxiety and fear that the world is going to harm me, abuse me and place me in a position of physical hardship

I am here.

I live here, I allow myself to stand with no fear and no anxiety whether I have money or whether I don’t have money. I don’t allow myself to become influenced and controlled by having money or not having money. When I see that I go into fears and anxieties and start to take decisions based upon my fears of not having money – I breath, I let go, I apply self-forgiveness if necessary, I let go of my anxieties.

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