De-constructing my Money-Construct Part: 4

Today it’s one day before I leave to Uppsala to start studying law. It’s very cool and I am excited to start studying.

At the moment I have a headache and I believe the reason is money and fear of money, actually fear of loosing money. I had an interesting experience today in regards to loosing money. Due to mistakes in relation to weekdays and the implications of certain weekdays I managed to fuck up my planning. What did this cost me? It cost me a certain amount of money and I reacted within fear and self-judgment as I realized my mistake.

As I came home I shared this point with my mother who went into a complete fear-possession, in which she said that I must find someway to correct this. I had looked at all the points already and I saw that I had no possibility to correct this mistake, but I allowed myself to get swayed by my mother reversed enthusiasm. LOL – reversed enthusiasm because it’s the expression of being in panic and literally wanting to do anything and say anything in order to get a certain point through.

I thought that, cool, my mother might be able to assist me and help me with this point, but as I called the girl which I had contact with in relation to my apartment I got the same response as before. This time though I noticed how I attempted through placing certain “valuable” and “important” words manipulate myself to create a solution. I see no problem with manipulating in order to achieve a solution, if there is a possibility to do so with no harm coming to anyone – why not? Only morality is in my way, morality that is actually an idea of the physical outflows of actions as either being good or bad and not the actual understanding of the implications as the outflows of my physical actions.

Anyway – mission failed to retrieve my “wasted” money. I would loose them when I die anyway, so can I actually say that they where ever mine? Can I actually say that anything, which is here, is mine? No – nothing here is actual something that I own, it’s things that are in my presence and that’s it. I can’t define myself and my standing dependent upon material things in my reality because then I will fall – as I’ve placed my standing not upon that which eternally here and unchangeable.

What I saw was that I didn’t allow myself to trust myself in relation to this point. The reason that I started to speak with my mother around this point in the first place is because I felt fearful and uncomfortable knowing that I had lost a lot of money. I wanted to share this with someone in order to get support and get some understanding from someone. I would like my mother to say to me, hey Viktor, it doesn’t matter, money isn’t everything! I am not able to say that to myself and trust myself completely. Dealing with money brings up reactions in even if I have sufficient with money to survive.

As a form of protection, or reaction to the reaction I brought up within my mind my plans of becoming a clown as the summer is coming. I brought up my plans as to how I am going to make money in order to sustain myself when I won’t have any possibility to take loans from the government.

What I also see now that I became worried about was that I wouldn’t be able to move my stuff out from my apartment at the end of this year, because I wouldn’t have any money to do this. Thus as a protection to this I thought that my father would be able to help me and that I because of this would be able to save money.

It’s fascinating that I am so worried in terms of money even though I actually have sufficient with money. Meaning, my reactions are not in anyway in relation to the reality in which I am. It would be a different story if I were considering solutions, looking at my money situation if I saw that I actually didn’t have any money to be able to sustain myself – but I do have that! Thus I see that this is my extensive fear of loosing myself and the control over my possessions and my world through not having money.

I am going to list all the things, which I’ve circled around today in relation to money to structure this point for myself.

1.     Buying new study books

1.1.  How much will it cost?

1.1.1.     Will I have enough money?

1.1.1.1.         Will I have enough money to next year?

1.1.1.1.1.              What if I won’t have enough money and I won’t get a job?

2.     Taking subway in Stockholm

2.1.  How much money will it cost?

2.1.1.     Will I spend a lot of money and will I then be able to afford my apartment and pay for my bills?

3.     Monthly expenses

3.1.  Will I have to much monthly expenses and because of that not be able to sustain myself

3.1.1.     Will I get in debt?

3.1.1.1.         Will I not be able to pay my bills effectively?

3.1.1.1.1.              What will happen to me then?

4.     Taking buss

4.1.  How much will the bus cost?

4.1.1.     Will it be cheap or expensive?

4.1.1.1.         If expensive, will I afford to pay my bills and keep my apartment?

5.     My stuff being placed outside

5.1.  Will my stuff be stolen?

5.1.1.     How much money am I then going to loose?

5.2.  Will my stuff break in the cold?

5.2.1.     How much money am I then going to loose?

6.     Bathing

6.1.  How much money will it cost?

6.1.1.     Will it take a to big chunk of my budget?

6.1.1.1.         Will I be able to sustain myself?

6.1.1.1.1.              Will I be able to afford food and property?

7.     Moving the next time

7.1.  Do I have to much stuff with me in this move?

7.1.1.     What if I will have to much stuff in the next move and because of that it will cost more than what I’ve expected it to cost?

7.1.1.1.         What if I won’t be able sustain myself, keep my possessions and locate myself in a apartment?

I notice as I bring up these point that a lot of anger and frustration comes up within me. Accepted and allowed anger because of what I’ve allowed myself to become in relation to money, my submission to money and my experience towards money. Instead of having corrected myself immediately as fear have come up I’ve instead fought my fear, thus becoming angry and frustrated at myself. I am also angry and frustrated that this fear is here to begin with and that it is so extremely real and that I give into to it so easily. That I desire to have these thoughts around money, calculate in my mind, protect myself in my mind through thinking that I have sufficient with money.

And then one day I will die and I will be gone – fascinating. That day is certain yet I fear this world and dying extensively.

Anyway, what more points come up that I’ve worried myself about in relation to money.

8.     Clowning

8.1.  Will I be able to make enough money on clowning?

8.1.1.     What if I won’t be able to do that?

8.1.1.1.         Then I would have wasted money on props and preparation

8.1.1.1.1.              What if I won’t be able to sustain myself then?

9.     Music and Music equipment

9.1.  What if I won’t make enough money on music if I purchase musical equipment to be able to play on a street?

9.1.1.     What if I won’t be able to sustain myself effectively?

10. Apartment with me and Anna

10.1.               What if I won’t be able to buy a new apartment, because I don’t have enough money to place a disposition?

10.1.1. What if I will be to poor to have an apartment?

10.1.1.1.      Where will I place all of my stuff?

10.1.1.1.1.          What if I loose all of my stuff?

I have noticed within me a fear of throwing away things, because they cost money. Will I waste money? I can’t waste money!? What if I waste money?! And thus I will not throw away things that I am within me, quite, if not completely certain that I will never use again, because, what if?

What if? Is a fascinating fear, what if I do a mistake? What if this will lead me to wasting more money, thus me loosing my money?

It’s all delusions, that I can protect myself from this world – that I can loose myself if I don’t have any money. Actually I am able to starve to death if I don’t have any money, or freeze to death, or get dehydrated and die that way. What comes up is, that I don’t want to do that because I don’t want to die on such a stupid point. Those are the points that can happen to me if I don’t have any money. In my current life I must be very fucking clumsy and be very lazy in order to place myself in such a position. At the time being, I simply can’t see how I am able to place myself in a position of not having any money – I will be able to sustain myself effectively, there is no question about. If I am not, then I deal with that in that moment. There is no valid reason to fear not being able to sustain myself, if it’s here, then it’s here and I deal with that. I breath and I direct myself according to common sense – simple, no need for any emotional or feeling based experiences. I do fine without them.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what things costs

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed and controlled by my fear of loosing money

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying due to cold

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying due to starvation

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that my plans in relation to how I am to sustain myself in the future won’t work and that I will only waste even more money

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a experience as finally being satisfied and calm as in thinking that I have enough money

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself, and how I experience myself around how much money I currently posses

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking chances, to fear exploring and expanding myself in terms of how to work in the matrix, in fear that I am going to loose money

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to loose money at day-to-day actions, without being aware of my account balance and then one day find out that I am broke

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear finding out that I am broke and that I have no money what-so-ever

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my possessions

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my desk

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my computer

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my clothes

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my musical instruments

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my office chair

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my study books

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying new study books, in fear that my savings are going to decrease

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying new things that are doing so that my savings decrease, in fear that I won’t be able to make new money

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not holding my savings on a steady basis, in fear that I am not going to be free in society, but held back by money and through not having enough money

21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing a comfortable and soft place to sit at

22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing a place in which I can sit and surf on the internet by myself

23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to loose my ability to have an apartment and have my possessions be in this apartment with me

24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be able to reach inner stability, inner silence and peace through money

25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I worry and think enough about money, and gather enough money, I will be able to feel safe and calm in this reality

26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money is what makes me calm and relaxed and at ease

27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my release from money into the future, into a day where I will feel like I finally have enough money and that I am now certain of my survival and that I can now relax and simply enjoy myself

28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money will be able to give me relaxation and peace

29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I struggle, and worry, and keep my shit together in relation to money on earth, that I will finally be able to let go and relax when I come to heaven

30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will have survive my experience on earth if I am able to accumulate enough money in order to always have food, water and a roof over my head until I die of old age

31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making new purchases in fear that I won’t be able to get any money back on them

32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past excursions in relation to money and exploring professions and think that I am only “wasting” money when I attempt to place myself in positions of gaining money through new professions

33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking chances and walking new roads in terms of earning money in fear that it won’t work

34. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying new things, in fear that I won’t be able to take back the money they are worth in either new money or time

35. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a successful buy, as something that I buy and use much or something that I buy and get money back from

36. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how much money I am able to make and how effectively I am able to run a business and retrieve money from this business

37. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear buying study books that aren’t used, in fear of how much money I will have to spend on study books, in fear that I will go a lot back in terms of my money supply

38. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to buy any used books, in fear that I will use to much money and that I won’t be able to sustain myself because I don’t have enough money

39. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to sell my books after I’ve used them, in fear that I will go back, and not be able to sustain myself anymore

40. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t have enough savings in order to live a comfortable life with no worry of survival, within the belief that it’s my money that my comfort ability and stability depend upon

I am here.

I allow myself to buy that which I need to buy, and that which I see will be beneficial for me to buy in relation to supporting myself as self-expression. I won’t allow myself to participate in fear in relation to buying new things. I will push myself to see money simply as mathematics, and push myself to realize that money and the accumulation of money, and the use of money to sustain myself is simple mathematics and nothing that I have to fear or experience anxiety towards. I push myself to realize the reality of things instead of making assumptions and acting with the starting point fear and anxiety.

I am here.

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