Meeting an Old Childhood Friend

Yesterday I met a childhood friend, it was fascinating and many points opened up.

When I first met him, I noticed that I felt physically, quite comfortable in his presence – and there where moments with him, in which I burst out laughing – enjoying the moment here with myself, and another.

Though, there where many moments in which this enjoyment got replaced with discomfort, the reason I’ve found to this discomfort – which has come up when people start to speak about bullshit – is that I am afraid of disagreeing, that I am afraid of not fueling and giving validation to another as he speaks. And this was happened several times yesterday as my friend from childhood spoke.

He spoke, in essence, bullshit – bullshit about that – bullshit about that – gossip about that – gossip about this – I mean, in normal cases I would have simply not participated – simply walked away, or disregarded the situation, as this would not have been something I would have wanted to participate in – though, this time – only due to the fact that he was a childhood friend, I noticed that I was forcing myself to stay in his presence – I was forcing myself to continue my interaction with him, even though I simply wanted to walk away, and not anymore be a part of that moment of conversation, of bullshit.

So – I allowed myself to remain, and participate in, and present a fake-presentation of agreeing as my friend spoke about bullshit – god – quite horrific experience, and the reason for it – was a deeply situated fear within me, of conflict – that got even more pronounced when it was an childhood friend, a important, and defining childhood memory that was sitting in front of me. Thus – I played along, “for old friends sake” – and I mean, it was horrific.

This is one thing that I’ve noticed with myself since I started, and walked this process for a while – I don’t have any friends anymore. And I don’t allow myself to compromise myself, to almost anyone – I say almost because obviously there are still points of self-compromise existent within me – but most of the points are gone. Vanished and erased from within me.

Though, these last day’s I’ve seen a point of self-compromise come up more and more, this being the point – as the fear of others not being pleased with me.

It has come up so far during two occasions – one time – I was sitting with my study-group, and we where working – then came my friend and we started to talk – upon which I noted that my entire study-group went into resistance, and basically – some kind of anger and frustration that I wasn’t anymore listening to them, but instead placing value upon my friend – this was fascinating, and it brought up a reaction of fear within me – wherein I completely complied with the groups experience and feeling, and I started to search for way’s in my mind – as to get my friend to leave as quickly as possible.

I also got into an experience of guilt – as I felt that I had now ruined the effective study atmosphere through allowing my friend to come and start speaking by our group – so it was fascinating.

Another point of anger, and frustration that arises within this – is that – how dare my friends simply come and talk with me, in front of my study group, without asking my for my permission first – then thoughts of retribution come up as I think – “I should have said to him that he isn’t allowed to come, I should have been more strict, I should have been more harsh with him” – as points of anger and frustration – that in a way, or that is valid.

I mean, I am the directive principle of my world – thus – if I am spending time with one thing, and I don’t want to be bothered, or disturbed as I do this one thing, it’s up to me – it’s my responsibility to make sure that I am not bothered, and that I am not disturbed. And this is done through speaking the words necessary to be spoken in order to have my world – align it to what I want to do in that moment – obviously within the consideration of what is best for all, so it’s not only “me” and “me” – but that I check, that my want doesn’t hurt or harm anyone else in that moment.

So – I mean, this same kind of play-out happened then, yesterday again – wherein I was the administrator during one of our seminars – I then noticed that the teacher wanted to say something, at this moment, one of the students started to speak. I then experienced myself angry, frustrated that the student was speaking, and that the teacher wasn’t allowed to come forward and speak. This was fascinating – because afterwards I realized – that I had in that moment actually valued the student speaking, to be less than the teacher speaking. That I had affirmed and validated the idea of stature and position – as the student being less entitled to speak, and express than what the teacher is.

So, I hastily gave the word to the teacher and experienced a sense of well-being, as I felt that I had done something good – supported the system – followed the rules – and as such I rewarded myself.

Another point that opened up during this class seminar was when one of my classmates, a male, started to speak without me giving him “the word” – “his turn to speak” – this brought up jealousy, and I could feel how my body, how I in energy formed the word – hate – anger – jealousy – and how I tensed up, and went into a comparison mode towards this male.

As I write this I realize that this specific man is actually someone that I’ve allowed comparison thoughts towards – his stature in the class, his looks, his way of expressing himself, his way with girls – his one of those males that I consider to be loved, successful, and confident – which I want to become like.

So that is basically it – apart from that I’ve experienced myself very silent, and still – this is a direct outflow of my effectiveness in sex – lol! I am sure of it! Because, this stillness and silence emerged after I managed to apply myself one and equal as “effective sex” – and as Sunette said – that having sex 6 time a week will make the experience of yourself a lot more smoother, and easier – I start to see why that is. Obviously – sex from the starting point of self, as physical, as here – not sex as mind, as pictures and the hunt for an orgasm – which is a completely different thing, and only helps to further compound and build upon energetic bullshit in the mind.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous at x

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous at x, because he seems to earn more respect than me in the class

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself towards x – to desire and want to look like x – speak like x – and be liked like x – wherein people want to talk with me and touch me

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have respect – to be loved – to be valued – to be seen as intelligent and powerful in and as my application of directing myself

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself towards x, to think that x is more successful and happy than me – and that I should become like x – because x has more influence in the class – where more people like x than me

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be liked – to be affirmed as a positive, strong, leader, a powerful leader – that is in the forefront of everyone else

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be able to regard myself, and think of myself as being a liked human-being, as being a loved human-being, that other people love and regard as a good – lovely – and appreciative human being

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire, to earn respect, to earn love, to earn a stature with people – wherein people see and regard me as a likable – changed – special human-being

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in order to be liked and in order to please others

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear – guilt and self-judgment – when others aren’t pleased with me – when others experience resistance, frustration, and anger around me

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear – to go into anxiety and self-judgment when other do not see themselves as being comfortable, as loving me, as liking and appreciating me

12. I forgive myself that I have I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, through making it a habit to always agree with people, to always say yes – to hide myself instead of showing myself – to be secret instead of being open

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated that I feel like others are abusing me, using me – taking advantage of me, when they become angry or resist me – not realizing that I get angry upon myself – for allowing myself to be affected and determined by such behavior

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be determined, created, made up out of the reactions of others – wherein I comply and submit myself to the experience, thought, and feeling of others – instead of allowing myself to stand here – equal and one

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-judgment, to go into anger, to go into frustration, to go into self-hatred – because I haven’t allowed myself to remain uninfluenced, un-defined, as a  black hole in and as the matrix – that isn’t connected to any energy field – but remains here as one as equal as breath at all times

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become influenced, to experience fear, to experience anxiety, to experience doubt, when others attempt to control me – when others attempt to speak words of right and wrong in order to put me in a position of fear

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others believe, speak, and say that I am doing wrong in a moment – that I am being wrong – and that I as such can’t receive and be given the like and appreciation of others

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play along with right and wrong – to allow myself to believe that there is right and wrong – that there is good and bad – that I am able to say or do something bad – and that I can be put up against the wall – that I can become confined restricted in my answer, through a question

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am restricted to what others feel, think, speak, and believe

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am restricted and controlled by others – to believe that others only by their presence have more right, are more correct, are more trustworthy, are more powerful, are better than what I am

21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, and frustrated and blame others – due to me allowing myself to become influenced and created by others

22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become but a reaction – but a response pattern – designed and programmed to respond to what others say – or what others do – in fear of not being pleasant, not being satisfactorily, to my environment

23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must compete with my environment, that I must compete and show others that I am worthy of love – appreciation and support, that I am not to be disregarded and shoved away – but that I am important and that I should be valued as such

24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear of not being seen as apart of the group that is society – to fear that I will not be seen as apart of the group of money – in fear that I will not be supported, that I won’t receive any benefits, that I won’t receive any form of love and appreciation

25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am being in the way in a moment or situation, to fear that I am taking to much space, that I am ruining or destroying other people’s days, that I am making people feel and experience themselves to be – not as comfortable, and enjoyable as what I experience myself to be

26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others don’t consider me to be right

27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others see me as wrong, as doing wrong, as doing bad, as doing evil, as not understanding, as missing points – in fear that I will become challenged and criticized for what I say or do

28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking – to fear sharing myself – to fear opening myself up – in fear that I am going to be attacked – humiliated – destroyed by others as being wrong

29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in right and wrong – to desire to be validated, appreciated, loved by my reality as being someone that always does right – that always follows the rules and do what is expected

30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not doing what is right – to fear not doing what is expected of me – to fear not doing that which others feel and think that I should and must do

31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going against the wished and desires of others

32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not playing along – not doing that which others feel, experience, desire, want me to do

33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and experience anxiety when I am at another’s house – using another utilities – in fear that I am doing something, or saying, or moving myself in a way – that isn’t supportive – that isn’t considered by the others as being correct and being right

34. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being correct

35. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that something that I’ve done, said, or express – has been considered and valued by another being as being wrong – as not being sufficient – as not being effective and specific enough – as not being good enough

36. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and experience anxiety, and judge myself – thinking, expecting, believing that what another say’s about me – that I’ve done wrong – is correct – is the right thing – and that I am inferior and less than others

37. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately judge myself when another say’s that I’ve done wrong – to immediately suppress myself, withdraw, give up – give in, when another say’s that I’ve done wrong and that I can’t trust myself

I am here

I breath and let go of right and wrong – what others say’s to me is irrelevant – only I as self-honesty is able to see and understand if there is a value in what others say to me – to react in and as fear – the moment others speak – is not supportive – though to listen to others here as breath – and see directly in and as self-honesty – without right and wrong – that is supportive.

Right and wrong is limitation – I am not limitation – I am the boundlessness of self-expression and presence of breath – I am here.

Advertisements

One thought on “Meeting an Old Childhood Friend

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s