Self-Expression Emerge

Today I’ve made a big mistake in my application, and it wasn’t a mistake as in me being self-dishonest, it was a mistake as in me not being aware of my surroundings and as such placed myself in a position of loosing time – which actually is self-dishonest.

I was to have a meeting at my school, tomorrow, yet when I looked in my time book I had written the wrong date, and as such I stormed of to the illusionary meeting – only realizing while I arrived at the illusionary meeting – that the meeting was illusionary – because the meeting was the next day.

So it was interesting to get to the illusionary meeting, because there was another meeting that was commencing – I decided to join in – this brought up ridiculous amounts of fear – as I feared that anyone was going to question me, as to why I was present at this meeting that wasn’t meant for me. Though – I continued to breath, I continued to push through, and as such I remained at the meeting and achieved the understanding of some points of information that was relevant – nice – I managed to make an illusionary meeting, to something real.

So, lately during these day’s I’ve experienced myself extensively self-expressive, it’s like I’ve opened up the point of unconditional self-expression – wherein I notice and see the world completely different than before, and I am much more attentive, as to what is going on in my reality. Now, as I walk through town – I am able to spot details, such as the eye’s of people as they walk past me, or I mean, really small stuff that happen in my reality – it’s like a veil has come of from my eye’s and like I’ve opened up to more information. The reality that is here being –information in movement.

I’ve also noticed this new kind of expression as I said, this openness and vulnerability, silence that has started to develop and come through. It’s like I am much more keen to what happens in my reality, and I don’t avoid it – or turn away, to suppress myself, or avoid people, or situations – instead I look people in the eye, I follow the situation, I respond and I interact directly, and in much more “harmony” so to speak – in a much more direct way, and this is really fascinating – it’s like I’ve pushed through a point of control – that I am now allowing myself to simply let go, and flow – like water.

In terms of the bullshit that I’ve faced today – there has been some fascinating points – especially one: I stood in the library, and I got in the queue, I noticed an old lady also getting in the queue after me – I noticed she became slightly frustrated, and angry when the librarian asked me before her – in this I started to feel very uncomfortable, and I started to think – is she causing this experience within me? Is she sending inter-dimensional knives and spears at me?

In this moment I simply breathed, and I saw that I was almost through and clear from this experience – that I as the physical wasn’t anymore controlled or directed by this experience, to the extent that I before have been – so this was very cool.

I now realize as I write about this – that it shouldn’t matter if people send me inter-dimensional knifes and spears, if I am self-honest and effective in my application I will be able to stand through anything – walk through anything without this having an influence upon. If it has an influence upon – this simply shows me that I am still not fully walking equal and one – and that there are still points to correct.

I’ve further been doing music, and I’ve further caught myself in my mind attempting to make plans for the future – regarding studies in economy, and language – I notice that I often do these things – I make plans in my mind – plants – but I don’t have the actual time and space capacity to walk them through. Then I will act upon the plan, only to later realize – that such a plan isn’t going to work for me – because I don’t have sufficient with time.

So – I am walking the process of prioritizing my time – looking at what it is that is crucially necessary for me to do – what is that is really required of me, and what is that I can wait with – what is that isn’t crucially required of me. And I’ve found that many of the things I decide to do – isn’t crucially required of me – but they are instead these points of ego that I take on in order to make myself feel better – instead of seeing what it is that is actually required of me in my reality, and what will support me here, and in the future.

So, I’ve seen that some of the points that I’ve decided to take on – like learning a new language, like learning about economy, are actually points that I will have to give up upon – at this moment – as there is simply to much other shit for me to do.

Then – I’ve further today faced points of desire, as in an tempting, sensual energy raising from within me as I’ve observed, and let my eyes pass certain female bodies. This energy has been very strong, and it’s this energy that always brings up the consideration within me – that maybe, just maybe – is there someone that is better for me – maybe there is better sex, maybe there is someone that is meant for me – maybe I am missing out on something.

I am becoming better at catching these thoughts now, and catch them at their origin, which is the seeing of a female physical body with specific proportions. Though, I still see – that my female search mode is still active – as I still allow myself to go into a mode of searching for, and attempting to through judgments, value and compare, who might be the best for me – who might I be the happiest with? Is there someone that I am missing? Someone that I will feel extra connected with?

But – the very prime point within these thoughts, is sex – and the desire to have and experience sex with a female of a very specific body type – I see that there is still much self-forgiveness on this point in order for me to be able to let go of this delusion – as this delusion is something that is very ingrained within me, a ship that I will jump upon as it arrives because I believe it to be true and real – and I really, truly, and fully believe that I am missing out on something crucial and important when I don’t have access to a specific type of body in my reality in relation to sex.

It’s fascinating – through my entire sex life – I’ve never been satisfied with the females body that I’ve been with – there has always been something wrong, something that I didn’t want – something that I thought was disgusting, something that I wanted someone to fix and change – so that I didn’t have to walk with them – so that I could abandon them and blame it upon their bodies.

I remember specifically one girlfriend – towards which body I became obsessed as it being to fat, I became really nasty as I attempted to manipulate this girls backchat in order to loose weight – I mean – really fucked up shit; wherein I allow myself to abuse the physical, as the unconditional expression of a human physical body into and as a specific sort of shape only because I feel aroused, as I watch upon such a shape. Arousal – that in itself is a completely fake, delusional and illusionary energy that only lasts for so long – then is gone – while a being, a body – is here all the time, and is actually the reality that I am facing and living together with. The looks mean nothing – it’s the actual being that becomes my world, and the being has nothing to do with looks at all.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am missing my school – that I am not going to get the top-grade, top results, and be a top student

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am missing out on cool jobs – jobs that I would have fun in – jobs that I would feel important in – if I don’t get top grades

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will live a future of little money – that I won’t be rich – if I don’t get top grades

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to flunk and fail, to fear that I am not going to understand or know the questions on the test – in fear that I will fail at my course, and be given a document saying that I have complete this course

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry, and fear that I will not be able to do anything in the future with my degree

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that I will not be able to get a job – to get a stable income – if I don’t get the best grades possible

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to live out my dreams of happiness, as in getting a dog, living on the countryside, having country-interests, if I don’t get top-grade results

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t become important in the future, if I don’t get top results – to fear that I won’t be able to become a judge, or a attorney, or a lawyer – within the belief that such people are more effective than what I am

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are people – that are more than me – more godlike and better – due to their education – due to the knowledge they have accumulated

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to miss a once in a life-time opportunity – if I don’t get a top result at my test – and I don’t receive a top grade from my teachers in relation to my test

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and be anxious that my life will come to nothing, that my dreams will come to nothing, if I don’t become the best lawyer, the best student in the entire school

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with grades, to become possessed with becoming the best, to become possessed with the desire to make much money in the future

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire, need, require to make lot’s of money in the future – to become rich and wealthy and be able to buy anything that I desire

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to live without debt, to live in stable life, a certain life, even though others don’t

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire my life to be more than others – my life to be filled with money, and luxury, even though others are filled with poverty

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money, to fear loosing money, to fear becoming without money – having to face death, and the harsh nature of this reality as competition and struggle

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as this reality – as competition, struggle, as no-support, as no-help, as complete aloneness wherein there is no help to be gotten

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the brutal, harsh, ruthless nature of this world of those that have no money – to fear facing the disregard, the contempt towards life – as all people care about is money

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted and enslaved, disempowered, inferior, less than, money

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with others about money, to become changed when it’s about money, to start to think about how much money I have, have others stolen my money?

21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, frustrated – in fear that I have lost my money – in fear that I have given away my money, and that I won’t be able to retrieve money from anyone else

22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to achieve wealth in this life – to fear that others are going to steal my wealth – to fear that others are going to make it impossible for me to become wealthy

23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, and frustrated – at those seemingly stealing my wealth

24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, and frustrated when someone takes money from me – when someone removes a possibility for me to make money

25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become greedy – to become need – and need, require and desire to have money – to have income – to have wealth – to have as much money as possible – so I will feel good about myself

26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself desire and want to have as much money as possible – so I will be able to let go of the fear of loosing money – not realizing that I am able to do so here

27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to be wealthy – that I will become poor – that I will live in poverty, that I will live in less than I do now – that I won’t be able to complete my education – and that I won’t be able to get an effective job in the future

28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to be left out in the future, out of the money system – that I am not going to be able to receive any money – earn anything so I am able to retain my possessions and keep my world stable and in order

29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire, to have people love me – and desire to be in my world with me – because I have much money

30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to have a studio, to have instruments, to have musicians that I am able to invite, to have fame, and recognition, and a purpose in my life as in doing music

31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to become wealthy, to become super-rich, to become super millionaire – so I am able to feel secure, stable, and trust my reality – instead of seeing and realizing that I am able to give this to myself here

32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fear is only as real as I make it – that the fear of facing the harshness, ruthlessness and disparity of this reality – is only something that I can fear, if I allow myself to fear it

33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am able to stand calm, stable, directive, in and self-trust in any moment, or experience that might happen to me – that it doesn’t matter what I face, or why – because I am able to stand silent no matter what

34. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that place stability, silence, calm, outside of myself – as in needing my world to be filled with money for me to be able to be filled with stability and calm

35. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define calm, self-trust, stability – as the presence of money – instead of seeing that real calm, stability and self-trust – comes from the presence of me

36. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be present – to not give myself a present as myself

37. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire security from money – not allowing myself to see that there is no security in money, and that the fear I experience can only be removed when I allow myself to forgive and let go

38. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of fear of not having money – in fear that I then won’t care anymore, and that my world then will go straight to hell

39. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret myself, to become judgmental towards myself that I’ve given away money – thinking that I could have felt and experienced myself much more secure – if I wouldn’t have given away my money

40. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I would have been able to relax, and buy stuff that I wanted – feel at ease in my reality if I knew that I had more money in my bank

I realize money can’t change my experience of me if I don’t allow it – I don’t accept and allow it – I am here – I am breath – I don’t need – I don’t desire – I don’t require – I am fulfilled – I am here as breath

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to sex

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to have sex with several partners

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to undress a woman, to slowly take of the clothes of a women, that I define and see to be as picture perfect – in the desire to experience the excitement before sex

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become excited before sex – as in thinking that – yes I am going to be able to have sex

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to contact people in my reality – only to have sex with them – only to be able to experience myself with them in sexual intercourse

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused when I see female bodies with the bone structure of having picture perfect assess – that are firm – that are well-shaped, that are tight, that are rounded, fit

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused when I see a bum that is fit, tight, and that has legs under it that are long, thin, fit legs

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and to have sex with such women’s of the properties I described above – thinking, believing, regarding that such a women will be able to satisfy me and give me full pleasure

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed that A doesn’t look as I desire the picture perfect woman to look – with the picture perfect legs, the picture perfect body shape, the picture perfect face – everything being picture perfect

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to be able to touch, feel, hold a woman’s leg, a woman’s, buttocks in my hand – and be able to move it around as I have sex – in the desire and want to feel stronger than the woman

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to become aroused to the photoshoped pictures of sex I have installed and saved in my mind – as how woman’s should look – how a body should look – how thin, fit, muscular, tight a body should look – as in the very thin shapes, without any fat at all – with picture perfect breasts, and the entire body holding very specific proportions

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused when I look at a females Venus mountain – when I look at the groin area of a female – becoming obsessed with the thought of being able to undress a woman, and be with a woman while she is naked – in the desire and the want to experience myself naked – and in full ecstasy with a woman as I fully let go and become wild while having sex

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to be able to push down my leg between the legs of a female – to be able to merge myself as one flesh with a female – becoming one flesh as I have sex with a female

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to be able to merge with, and become as one flesh when I have sex with a female – wherein I attempt to push myself, to place myself, as close and as much pressed towards a human as possible

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am missing out on something – that I am missing out upon sex, desire, real happiness – as I don’t have sex with as many females as possible – but only one

I am here

I realize sex is a physical – not a mental act – as such pictures hold no value – I delete pictures, I delete reactions towards pictures – I breath – I am here

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