As most children do, I came to grow up both fearing and resenting my parents. Living with my parents was during the first 22 years of my life a complete misery filled with emotional turmoil, thoughts of spitefulness, anger, arguments and dramas. I think that I’ve gone through this more than most others, as I ‘really’ went to an extreme with my rebellious actions, in my attempt to ‘break-free’ from the control apparently ‘forced’ upon me.
Never did I during these 22 years stop, to take a breath and look within, asking myself: what if I might be the one that is creating all of this? What if it’s not my parents fault that I feel like I feel, that I think like I think, that I speak like I speak, that I act like I act – what if it’s all my fault? What if… I am actually able to enjoy myself one and equal in the presence of my parents? I was oblivious to these questions as drove my rampage towards the adult world further and further.
I came to a point in my life where I had basically destroyed my relationship to my parents completely. Even in my own eye’s that was stilled foggy with blame and the fear to admit self-responsibility I saw that I had gone to far within my application of – non-living – wherein I had accepted and allowed me to change, to experience myself differently when I was around my parents in comparison to when I was with myself; creating within such a separation – lot’s of bullshit in my world and in myself.
Thus – I started the process of self-forgiveness and I promised to myself that I was not going to live out certain patterns, which I had seen within myself, ever again. I was going to stand up and take self-responsibility.
So, the journey begun, and this is a journey that has lasted me for soon three years – wherein I’ve fallen and stood up, fallen and stood up – completely certain in my initial decision that I am not going to remain as what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become – I will change.
So, here I am today to report upon my progress. I am glad to announce that I am able to enjoy myself in the presence of my parents. I am able to talk with my parents without reacting and without becoming angry. I am able to look into my parent’s eyes and see who they are – not my projected blame as to what they have apparently done me wrong.
All in all – I have returned – in many ways – to the condition in which I first came to meet my parents = innocent. I came as a baby here, completely blank and fascinated with this world, I enjoyed my parents and I shared myself unconditionally with them as with everyone else – then I manifested a mind-system of suppression as myself and those days where over. Now, I am yet again returning to this position within me of innocence, that was never lost, it was simply, for a moment, hidden in and as the blame I had accepted and allowed as myself. Though, here I am, taking self-responsibility, cleaning and washing away the impurity I have accepted and allowed myself to become – too realize that – the simple enjoyment of being in the presence of my parents, or lying in my bed, or watching a movie, or walking outside in the sun that I experienced as a child; wherein I was fulfilled and nothing more was needed or required = isn’t gone, it’s still here.
This would not have been possible without desteni “I” process, without desteni. I am a changed human being and I have – in many ways, yet there are still many left – returned to innocence and I am eternally grateful that I’ve given myself this opportunity and for all the support I have gotten from the desteni “I” process crew.
I suggest to each one that can see and understand what I write to join the desteni “I” process as it’s not something you want to miss. It’s also a cool way to become financially stable – though – when you get the taste of the fulfillment one and equal as who you really are – finances won’t be your biggest pleasure – you will be that yourself!
So, join desteni “I” process guys and girls – thanks!