Laughing and Letting Go

So, yesterday I went to buy a protection thing to my grass trimmer. As I entered into the store, firstly, I felt quite uncomfortable when the man mentioned my presence as,  ‘the one with the book’ – and asked my ‘why I read so much?’. Though, I was close to compromise myself and in this moment go into a possession of attempting to be acceptable to another – I breathed and I let go of that tenseness that became overwhelming in that moment.

In the next moment I was discussing with the man about the protective gear – it turned out that I already had cool gear at home. I asked him to assist me in confirming this through showing me the gear he had, so I could compare it to the one I had. I did this and I found out that – indeed – I had cool gear at home. When this was revealed I began to laugh, and the man said, ‘You’ve come here twice and gone home with nothing at all’. It was in this moment that I became intensely uncomfortable, as I laughed. I walked past a man as I laughed and was gripped with a fear and a nervousness – I experienced a doubt as to if I should look at him or not – as I walked past I turned my head down towards the ground and slouched my neck – I saw this as a point of hiding myself, and a point of inferiority.

So the question is – what was it that really happened? Why did I experience these things? I mean, maybe why is a unnecessary question – I did experience these things – as a physical uncomfortable experience of myself. It was all based in fear, that I am certain of – so instead of attempting to figure out – the best thing that I can do is to deal with it through self-forgiveness.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I am laughing

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of letting go and laugh close to people

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be up-tight around people and fear letting go – fear accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having fun and being one and equal here in a moment – physically close to another

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abused if I laugh, to fear being attacked if I laugh, to fear that I am going to become hurt when I laugh

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others will become jealous at me when they see I appreciate and enjoy myself – in fear that they will abuse me and attack me

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loving myself and showing to others that I love myself – in fear that they will become jealous and angry and attack me

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting others

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others think that I am weak and not good enough – to think that others consider me as strange and stupid

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others consider me as inferior to them

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting and allowing myself to let go and be here – to fear that if I accept and allow myself to let go and be here – that other’s will use this to their advantage and find points of weakness in me and attack me

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being up-tight, to fear not being ready and prepared at all times to be abused, so that I can protect myself through always having control as to the picture I present to the world

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not always having control of how I present myself to the world

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear laughing in fear that I won’t be able to control how I am seen by others – how others feel when they hear me laugh and when they see me laugh

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of control – to fear letting go of up-tightness and always trying to make sure that I am in control and know what is going to be happen in the next moment

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be in control – to make sure that I know how others are going to act towards me – what others are going to say towards me – what others are going to think towards me and feel towards me – instead of accepting and allowing myself to let go and share myself unconditionally in this moment

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself – in fear that nobody will like me

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening myself up to another – in fear that they won’t like me

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and vulnerable to another – in fear that they are going to abuse me – and that they are not going to like me

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another is going to find me to be stupid

21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another is going to see me as being feminine and weak when I share myself unconditionally – when I am vulnerable and open here

22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and vulnerable – to fear accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the people in my reality – to appreciate the people in my reality – and express myself here as breath as equal and one

23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being innocent

24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of fear – to fear letting go of attempting to protect myself from my world – in the belief that my world can abuse and harm me

25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my world can harm me – can abuse me – can destroy me – when I share myself here as breath – as openness – as vulnerability – as innocence

26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being real – to fear caring about myself and another as myself – to fear being intimate with another

27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being close to another – to fear being intimate and real with another – to fear showing myself without any masks – without any role – and without protecting myself

28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to become abused when I show myself without any masks – without any protection – without any attempt to be anything more or less than me here as breath

29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not looking male

30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that males will think that I am gay – or weak – or stupid – when I share myself as vulnerability – as innocence – as here as breath

31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go in fear that I will loose myself

32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting and allowing myself to trust myself – in fear that I will loose myself

33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting and allowing myself to see another – to stand equal with another in this moment – to stand without any separation with myself – equal as here as breath in a moment shared with another

34. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear laughing for real

35. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing who I am towards another – to fear showing the real me – and not hide behind a show

36. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting to know another – to fear being real towards another and opening myself up – sharing myself unconditionally – without any walls with another

37. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself and isolate myself petrified of being abused

38. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be petrified towards being abused

39. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be petrified towards being harmed or attacked by another

40. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and become petrifaction

I am here

I accept and allow myself to live vulnerability, openness, sharing, and innocence

I share myself here as breathe with no walls – with no role – with no masks – I am here open – vulnerable – clear

I accept and allow myself to live with no fear

I do not accept and allow myself to separate myself from this moment – from others – in fear of being abused or harmed –as I realize I can’t be abused or harmed – as such I share myself here as equality – I accept and allow myself to be intimate with others

I am self-intimacy

I accept and allow myself to experience and live intimacy with others and myself as myself

I let go and accept and allow myself to trust myself in the moment – stop worrying – stop fearing – and instead breathe and trust myself here

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