One year had passed since I first found myself (I found Desteni at 2007) being completely blown away, and intrigued, by the interviews of Desteni. I had relentlessly and with complete fascination indulged in the massive amounts of articles, and videos that already existed at that time, and the same was done with the new creations that continuously popped up on their website, and on their youtube channel. I was really in heaven, as this subject of self-realization, common sense, and self-forgiveness, really made sense to me.
So, as I said, about a year had passed, and I had since a while back begun to participate on the Desteni open-forum, and chat with the various individuals involved with the Desteni group. It was on the forum that I first saw the name “Eagle” pop up. I found this name being tagged as the creator of many, many articles, as well as thousands of forum posts – all of them being completely intriguing. I basically ate the writings of this mysterious being called “Eagles”, I enjoyed them, and I found myself becoming excited and happy each time he posted something new.
I didn’t take very long until I found out that this mysterious forum participant called “Eagle”, in real life was called Bernard Poolman, and that he lived in South Africa, running a business focused around education software. Apparently he lived with several other people, including the portal (Sunette Spies), all of them being intently focused upon the process of self-realization – and so obviously, already at this stage, a slight excitement came up within me, as to the prospect of one day meeting this man, as well as the rest of the group.
It happened that I got invited to the Desteni Private Forum, and in the chats and discussions that occurred in this forum, it was suggested, that we, the participants of the forum were to come stay with, and live with Bernard and company, in South Africa. At this point the South African Desteni group had already acquired a farm, too which they had all moved, and it was to this farm that we we’re all invited to stay.
At this moment of my life I was working as a security guard in Norway, I had no responsibilities to uphold, I had no real “life” to take care off, and as such I decided to leave the security of my homestead, to visit the Desteni Farm in South Africa – the consequence of this decision, unbeknown to me at the moment, would come to effect me so deeply, that I was to in-fact change how I lived, perceived and looked at life.
What is worth to be mentioned is that, I left for South Africa with the hope of somehow being saved, cured, and given the spell of enlightenment, and heavenly bliss by Bernard Poolman, and the Portal – these people being in my mind seemingly magical, of great power – yet this mind-set would quickly come to a halt as I arrived at the Desteni farm. Because, Bernard Poolman weren’t going to save me, and Sunette Spies weren’t going to save, nor was anyone else of Desteni group able, or inclined to save me.
Thus, be aware as you read this text to not create any idea in your mind (like I did) of Bernard Poolman, or any other of the Desteni participants, as in anyway superior, or more than normal people, as in being apparently enlightened, transcended and there to save your ass – because such a idea is simply not real.
But anyway, let’s get back to the story. I was sitting on the plane, the plane for South Africa, on my way to meet, for the first time, Bernard Poolman, the Portal, Andrea, Darryl, and all the other Desteni characters – and I was really scared half to death. During the entire trip I was constantly worrying about in-fact meeting these human beings, these strange beasts, seemingly coming from another reality, speaking words in a way that I’ve never seen before, with abilities that I’d never though we’re real – now I was going to meet all of them. It’s actually not that strange that I did experience myself half scared to death, as I was going to encounter something that I’d never before encountered or seen – something completely new and alien – or, at least, this was the thought in my mind as the plane went in for it’s final approach at the Johannesburg airport.
So, one transfer flight later, and just as nervous, I saw the big double doors ahead of me, with the words “Exit Arrivals” on a sign above it. I went through that door, still as nervous, and frightened, and my eyes landed upon Andrea, and Gian – two Destonian farm people that had come to meet up with me.
The first thing that struck me, was how normal these people were, but also how close to them I felt – I felt comfortable with them, considering the state of nervousness and fear I was in. Though, I really don’t remember much – most of my experience with these new individuals can be summarized in the word fear – actually. As I hadn’t in-fact at this moment in time realized the simplicity of self-application, the simplicity of self-correction, and I still existed fully as a mind consciousness system, still with no significant insight, or self-direction coming through. Though, I was a baby in process at this moment in time, and I still am – no reason to judge, or look down upon me – the process, is a process of self-expansion, and you obviously have to begin somewhere.
Okay, let’s get back to the story – after some eating and chatting at the airport, we drove away in Andreas car, heading towards the farm, and as we got closer, and closer – my fear and anxiety was rising. What I’ve realized afterwards is that, such an experience of anxiety and nervous is created through comparison, and through self-judgment – wherein I place myself as less than another in my mind, through thinking that another is superior, above, and better than me – though at that time – I didn’t understand anything of that, and I wasn’t capable of stopping my experience. I was caught in my own experience of fear, and anxiety and worry.
Then – the farm was introduced to my eyes! LOL – and I am laughing now, because at the time I had such high hopes as to what the farm was going to be, how it was going to look, and what I was going to experience there – all created as fantasies and beliefs in my mind. And obviously, whenever such grand fantasies are created within one’s mind, the experience of disappointment is a given consequence. So, when seeing the actual looks of the farm, I felt somewhat disappointed, and thought: “but is this all that there is?” And yes, that was all that there were – actual reality is never as flashy, and never feels as good as what the mind makes it up to be – lesson had to be learned.
The car stopped – and my first foot penetrated through the open door of the car, landing on the soft grass of the earth – dogs came running towards me – barking – yelling – licking me – expressing the complete excitement and curiousness of meeting a new being; I had arrived at the farm!
And so, I met my first international Destonian, also a visitor on the farm, it was Andrew – and he had at the moment been bitten by a tick, and had tick bite fever, which had the consequence of him being very slow, and tired – and also in much pain – I know because later I got to have the same illness! Anyway, I followed Andrew into the main house, and into the living room. There in several couches, many, many people were sitting – and there was one guy talking to all of them – loudly – he had a shaved head, and I knew that this must be Bernard.
I walked to him, and I held my hand out, he took it and shocked it, and he said: “Well, this must be Viktor!” – upon which (probably) answered “Yes!” – LOL.
I had now met Bernard, and he was very, very, very normal – he spoke normally (somewhat – LOL!), he moved normally, he dressed normally, he used the word fuck frequently, he did normal things around the household – he was in always – a normal human being! Completely in opposition to my idea that I’d arrived with, which was a bit of a shock. I mean, I thought he would be this great being of light, and graze, as apparently how a “transcended” being should be – that turned out to be a very faulty perception.
Though, obviously normal is a matter of definition – what I mean by normal is that he didn’t do this “ascended master act” – for example speaking very slow and in one tone of voice all the time (like some type of “ascended master”), he didn’t use hard words that I didn’t understand (like some academic “intelligent” being), he didn’t do strange things (like meditating to the love god, or manifesting things out of thin air, or levitate) – all in all: he wasn’t anything of the picture I’d created, as to what it means to be “transcended” and “enlightened” – no he was simply a normal, though very expressive, assertive and “comfortable with himself” being.
And so, this was the first thing that I learned from meeting Bernard Poolman – walking process, transcending points, becoming and living as self-realization, a self-realized being, doesn’t mean you have to be something special. No, in-fact, it’s that normal part of ourselves, that natural, expressive, and authentic part of ourselves, the one that shows it’s face when we’re with ourselves, and we’re relaxed, at ease, and comfortable with ourselves – that’s the part of us that is life! Or, when we laugh, or play with each-other, and we have so much fun we can’t contain our joy, that’s ourselves, as life – when it’s natural, it’s unconditional, and it’s here – that’s what it in-fact means to live authenticity and to stand self-realized.
All in all I stayed on the farm for 6 months, and it was a fascinating adventure, wherein I got to learn a lot about myself, and a lot about how to practically live equality.
I learned from Bernard that to live oneness and equality practically, here, is in-fact a matter of physical self-movement, it’s a matter of doing, and actually changing oneself, as one’s habits that has become physically manifested. In my case laziness was the most ingrained habit, and I was pushed to deal with this – to push through my resistances to get out of bed each morning, and to in-fact do something concrete and practically visible with my life.
I realized that self-expression, through working with music, and Bernard giving me comments of insight on and off, that real self-expression can’t be faked, it can’t be forced, it must be here as breath, no preparation, no thought, no movement within before expression – but instead here, stand, breath, express, move.
And from seeing Bernard each day wake up, each day remain stable, each day remain consistent, I realized that depression, that “not feeling like it” – limiting oneself in ideas of energies, of ups and downs – isn’t in-fact valid – and it isn’t real. If Bernard is capable of each day moving himself, doing what is required to be done, moving himself breath by breath, then I am as well capable of moving myself here, breath to breath, doing what is required to be done.
And as I saw Bernard scream and shout, exploding in what seemingly looked like fury, I realized that there are certain values in life that stand eternal, and that it’s unacceptable to act in a way that harms or desecrates these values/principles – because this was the reason as to why Bernard would be screaming and shouting. If someone for example became possessed with anger, or didn’t throw the leftovers of his food into the trash can after he’d eaten it, Bernard would intervene and state that such a behavior was unacceptable – explaining why such a behavior was unacceptable, and what consequences such a behavior had in the bigger picture.
Too Bernard, and the other Destonians at the farm, each small action was of significance and could be taken up for discussion, as to if that action was in-fact supportive, or not supportive – no behavior that was harmful was left untouched by Bernard, wherever he saw that a behavior was being lived, that was harmful, intervention would be the medicine. And this made me realize that, to live and exist here is a great responsibility, as each action I do has it’s consequence, each thing that I decide to live will have it’s ripple effects, and if I am not present and aware, and if I don’t understand what I am doing – I might end up harming others.
But there was not only Bernard which made great impressions upon me, because all the people on the farm, all those first founding destonians, were fascinating and interesting people to watch and be around. They didn’t exist as “normal” people, from the perspective that they were disciplined, they would take a project from beginning to end without giving up – they would wake up each morning and without hesitation face the challenges of their day. I experienced it as for the first facing a reality that was stable, as all we’re stable as stones, waking up, walking their day, going to bed, only to the next day repeat the same procedure, always with the objective in mind – to establish a reality that is in-fact best for all.
And as I stayed on the farm for those six months, I came to experience myself much more stable, more silent, more physical, and much more natural – where I’d before been made up, from the perspective of wanting to present myself as someone that walked process, I was now in-fact living the practical application of walking process. The separation of thinking that I must change myself too become something “more” than me had stopped, and I’d realized that the change that must take place – will be me changing myself here as breath, with no knowledge, no pre-programming, but me as self-expression emerging here, through me pushing and applying myself as breath, self-forgiveness, and common sense.
This lesson I also learned in terms of my music, because at the farm I was highly involved with music production, the mistake I’d been doing with my music, was that I was trying to create music, from a starting point of “this is what it should sound like” – “this is good music, this is bad music” – instead of me sharing me, me walking me, me applying myself, which can’t be done through thinking, or through having pictures or ideas in one’s mind of “how it should sound” – but it must be expressed, it must be lived, and then it’s real and actual self-movement.
And fascinatingly enough, when I allowed me to express myself unconditionally within my music, simply allowing me to share and express myself, that’s when I made the best songs, the songs with the must catchiness in them, and the songs I enjoyed to sing the most – thus: I understood that process can’t be thought up, or imagined – it’s not about becoming this great picture of a god – it’s about me expressing myself, something that I’ve never done before.
Bernard also showed me humility, as he was standing on the point of being stable, assertive, and clear in every moment – having understood and realized himself as life, yet still – he assisted and supported me to see understand the points of self-deception I was facing, talking to me so that I could understand, talking to me from where I was standing – not looking down upon me, or seeing me as inferior for being at another place in process; no – instead assisting and supporting me, seeing me as his equal.
And that is important for me to remember, that even though I might have transcended more points than another, another is still me, and even though they might exist within mind-fucks currently, this is not in-fact “who they are” – as they are as capable as me to transcend and become a greater being. Thus – when assisting and supporting another, I make sure that I remember, that I was once at such a position that they we’re, and that I walked myself out from it, to in-fact realize that – I am not limited to the mind-fucks I’ve created.
Thus, there is nothing bad, or inferior about being a beginner in process, we’ve all been the beginner, and we’ve all walked from that point – all that are to walk process have been at this position – and all that walk this process until it’s done – will find themselves at the end, equal in stand, equal in expression, equal in strength – as such comparison, as I am better, you are less, is stupid, as we’re in-fact all equal – only at different places in time.
After six months of staying with Bernard and the other South African destonians, I went home, to find me more stable, strong, and effective than ever before in my life – I had in-fact changed, and my time at the farm I will always remember, and for it I am grateful. It was truly fun, and anyone that say Bernard and the other Destonians are brainwashed cultists, or try to demean, and diminish them in other ways, they’ve never meet Bernard and Co. – they simply speak like that because they are jealousy. Because Bernard and Co. they are in-fact presenting, as themselves, a world that is best for all – heaven on earth – a new life – a new way to live, that is truly amazing.
That is my experience of Bernard Poolman, and visiting the farm –