2012 My Experience With Self-Forgiveness

When I first came into contact with self-forgiveness, my initial reaction was curiosity – what is this? Why should I apply self-forgiveness? My second reaction was that of me wondering within myself, but does this really work? I mean, can it really be this simple; to just speak the words and then it’s done?

That was about all of the reactions that I had towards self-forgiveness – and apart from that my experience was that I couldn’t really put my head around and understand it; though I go to any great lengths in my attempt to understand what it was all about – instead I – with no hesitation – started to apply self-forgiveness, to instead see for myself what it was all about.

The reason that I did decide to apply self-forgiveness was because of the results that I saw it had on other people that I had gotten to know, and herein I am specifically referring to Bernard Poolman from Desteni – which was a living example – in my face – that to change oneself is in-fact possible. Especially the stories that Bernard shared, of how he’d transcended several points through simply pushing himself to apply self-forgiveness I thought was impressing – I could see that this is not fake, this man has actually changed through usage of this tool, and thus, this is not something I am going to miss out upon – even if I don’t understand why, or how it works; and as such I decided to start applying self-forgiveness.

Though what is worth to be mentioned here, in regards to me realizing that self-forgiveness is one of the tools that will in-fact assist and support me to self-freedom, is that I initially thought that self-forgiveness alone would set me free; I placed trust into the application of self-forgiveness, and as such missed to see the importance of living my self-forgiveness practically in my world – which the actual change. Thus – what is important to understand and be clear upon for anyone that begins to apply and walk with, through and as self-forgiveness, is that it won’t supply any miracles, such as you speaking the words, and then suddenly you being as free as a bird – no – self-forgiveness is a support for self to stand up and will self to be free – yet self must actually walk the correction, though to do and enable this, self-forgiveness is a very powerful and invaluable tool.

Due to my mistake, of believing that self-forgiveness would save me, I had to walk a small detour (time-loop), through which I came to the understanding and realization that self-forgiveness alone wasn’t going to change me – I had to also live the self-forgiveness that I spoke – practically – and physically. But after realizing the mistake that I’d made – I applied myself within my new and aligned understanding of self-forgiveness, and realized it’s actual potential, and as such I started to apply it – almost daily – as a assistance and support – using it as a source of clarity, support and insight – as I faced, walked through, and corrected myself as me my inner mind-demons.

And what has been so fascinating about using self-forgiveness to walk through thoughts, experiences and possessions that has come up as I’ve walked this process, is that I through using self-forgiveness to self-reflect upon my behaviors and ways of living, I haven’t fallen into the trap of judging myself as bad or evil because of my fuck-ups and flaws – as this was before the starting point from within which I would look at myself.

For example, I would in a moment lash out in anger towards my mother, and if I then didn’t have my self-forgiveness, I would’ve gone into the mind, and looked at my behavior through thinking, and simply judged it as being bad, and saying to myself that I am not going to repeat what I did towards my mom – but without ever gaining any kind of insight as to how I created this anger, and how I am as such to stop this anger – as such effectively setting myself up to lash out yet again.

Yet with self-forgiveness, I have been able to look at the fine details of my reactions, to zoom into the specific thoughts, and distinguish and locate the specific words, movements, colors, or sounds that triggered my experience – and through specifically applying self-forgiveness I’ve gotten to know myself to such an extent, that I’ve known exactly, when, how and where this reaction emerges – and as such I’ve been able to when the moment and the reaction yet again arrives, stop myself instantly – knowing exactly what was going on.

So – with self-forgiveness I was able to stop the very shallow application of judging my behaviors, and weaknesses, and instead develop insight, and self-intimacy, and get to know the mechanics of myself deeply – and as such I’ve taken back the directive principle of myself, and set myself free.

I’ve also used self-forgiveness frequently to assist and support myself to get through hard moments in my process, difficult, and uncomfortable experiences, and possessions – when these things have come up within me, and I’ve felt that – I am going crazy – I am becoming overwhelmed – I’ve sat down by my computer and started to apply self-forgiveness. This has always assisted me immensely, and the times have been few when this hasn’t in-fact enabled me to stop my possession, or experience, and get myself back to reality. Thus self-forgiveness has been my stability, and my companion – a point that I’ve been able to rely upon when nothing else has made sense.

Through using self-forgiveness I’ve also learned to distinguish what’s my mind, and what is me – as breath – as here; because as I’ve used self-forgiveness, the truth of what is in-fact the mind, and not real, has glaringly, and clearly stared me in the face – I’ve experienced it as if self-forgiveness makes my inner reality – for a moment – crystal clear – wherein I am able to see what I am doing, how I am doing it, seeing what is my mind, and what is my physical – and from this starting point within myself I’ve then able to correct myself, and direct myself in a way that is best for all – this I would’ve never been able to do without self-forgiveness.

Thus – in essence – self-forgiveness has in my process up to this point served as my reality check, but also as my binuclear into myself – with which I am able to take a good look at all the thoughts, experiences, reactions, definitions, opinions that exist within me – it has also served as my “cloak of invisibility/clarity” – because within using self-forgiveness, I’ve experienced it as if the I am, as EGO for a moment disappear – no more justifications – no more opinion  – no more definition – nothing more to defend – but instead only me clearly seeing everything for what it is within me, naming all that goes on within me in words, bringing it out, not being all personal about it, but instead standing within a state of objectivity – wherein I am able to see what I am in-fact doing – without any sugar, or badness coating – in simple terms – the veil of self-delusion have been ripped off!

What I’ve transcended in process so-far through the usage of self-forgiveness, is amongst other things, fear of people, anger issues, competition issues, self-judgments towards my body, laziness, and self-centeredness – obviously the process is continuously unfolding, and as such new points pop up as new layers are revealed – and as such I might still experience fear, and self-judgment – yet comparing who I am today, with who I was before I started to apply self-forgiveness, I am able to say that I am in-fact a new human being – that is the extent to how I’ve changed – and specifically in terms of those points that I mentioned above.

Thus – If I would give you a practical hands example as a comparison between who I am now, to who I was before self-forgiveness, let’s take a look at my experience in school: before I started to apply self-forgiveness, I was afraid to speak with other, and I was very much concerned about what types of clothes I was wearing – because I wanted to look good to others, and be seen as a well-dressed man, afraid that others would speak behind my back if I wasn’t – I was also very much lost in competition, as I constantly tried to become friends with those I considered to be “popular” – and never really accepting and allowing myself to be satisfied with myself, and talk, or share myself with anyone in my world – no matter what type of a status they would be seen as having by others.

Now when I go to school I am confident with myself, and I am comfortable with myself – I am comfortable being alone, and being without friends, and I am comfortable speaking to, and sharing myself with others – I am also not worried as to what type of a impression that I make upon people with my clothes – and I don’t really worry about others speaking about me behind my back – in essence I would describe my change as me becoming more relaxed and at ease with myself – even though there are definitely still some points to work.

I recommend the application of self-forgiveness to others, because it opens up the opportunity to in-fact be able to change the insanity of the inner reality of self, and instead stand up as a self-directed, and self-motivated human-being – self-forgiveness presents the chance for self to end the irrelevant, and constant backchat of fear and worry – “What do others think of me?” – “Do I have enough friends?” – “Do others like me enough?” – so one can instead focus upon what is important here in life – which is living – breathing – being – and expressing self here.

Thus – self-forgiveness is the key to a new a life, and experience of self – and that is why I recommend it to everyone – it’s a completely new reality that unfolds and opens up, a new experience, a completely unknown, and unexplored world that has been missed is allowed to be found – something that we’ve missed because we’ve been so busy living and existing in our minds – and it’s as such the key back to reality, back to self, as the physical.

Changing self can only be done through the utilization of self-forgiveness – why? Because our inner reality is a fuck-up, a fuck-up that is so vast, and so intimately ingrained with ourselves, that we don’t in-fact know it’s a fuck-up – we think that it’s normal – and that it’s “who we are”. But through using self-forgiveness we for a moment open up a little window into reality, which we’re able to peak into and see – my god – this is a fuck-up, and this absolutely not normal! And within this “my god” – we are able to change ourselves, as we realize – real-eyes – that we’ve been living a fuck-up – and that this fuck-up is not who we are – but who we’ve created and brainwashed ourselves to be – and as such we’re able to change it.

Thus – attempting to change us without self-forgiveness is impossible, because we’ve invested so much trust in our personalities, thoughts, reactions, experiences, beliefs, and ideas – that we simply can’t imagine that this isn’t who we are – I mean who are we without our thoughts? Can we really live and exist without our mind? Yes – we are – yet that self that is hidden beneath the layers of thoughts, reactions and experiences – that is not of the mind – can only be found through giving up that which we’ve defined ourselves as, which is our mind – and it’s impossible to see that we’ve in-fact defined ourselves according to something that isn’t actually us – without specifically, and intimately naming – placing and categorizing – the existence of the mind-constructs – as all that which moves within us – and that we’ve created inside ourselves; self-forgiveness is the glasses that we put on – to be able to see who we are – and then we use self-forgiveness as the eraser – to erase that which isn’t who we are, and in the process we get to know – what is in-fact the real self.

Thus – applying self-forgiveness is the process of self discovering self – self giving birth to self – self becoming intimate with self – and it’s a process of discovery and accumulation that no-one would like to miss out on – take my word for it, because I’ve seen and I daily live the benefits of self-forgiveness – practically and measurably – here.

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