Hiding – Part 1

Lately I’ve been working with correcting my posture, because up until some time ago – my posture has been that of hunching my shoulders, not standing straight – but slightly bent; and this has caused me to develop back pain – at least this is one of the reasons to my back pain. So, in order to correct this point I first began to investigate “what is the correct posture?” – and “what posture supports my body the best?” – and it’s been fascinating to find this out, because the posture I did in the end find to be the correct/most supportive posture – felt completely incorrect and simply strange to walk within – not to say painful; but I realized that it was merely a habit that I had created in relation to my posture, and that this experience of strangeness wasn’t really real – and as such I pushed through and began to walk with my back straight at all times, and my shoulders slightly tucked back – aligning my shoulders with my spine.

Now I’ve begun to work of correcting my posture while sitting, which is so-far proving to be much more tough, and much more painful – and so I’ve asked Sunette for support on this point, as to whether this pain was only in relation to my muscles becoming sore from this new form of sitting, or whether the pain was also related to my mind. Here is the answer:

Viktor you haven’t been sitting like that most your life – thus, posture change change muscle experience though the consequence of the previous ‘hunched’-posture can consider hiding/’not wanting to be seen’ / ‘not wanting to face you’

Thus I will investigate 1) hiding 2) not wanting to be seen 3) not wanting to face myself; this will as such be a series of three blog-posts – investigating the secrets and various dimensions of hiding.

1) Hiding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as hiding – wherein I will hide myself from others and myself – because I fear showing myself, within the belief that there is something terribly wrong with me; and that if I show myself to myself or others – that I will become judged/ridiculed because of this wrongness that I exist and live as; instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that the only wrongness I exist as is that I don’t accept and allow myself to show myself/express myself/and in-fact live in this reality one and equal – accepting and allowing myself to step out of my comfort zone and get to know myself, as well as others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as hiding – within and as the belief that I am not strong/courageous/powerful/ready enough to face the world and myself – and as such within interaction with others hold myself back; and in terms of seeing/getting to know myself – never accepting and allowing myself to recognize what I experience within me, and who I am within me in situations/moments – thinking that: “I am simply not ready to handle this” – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that this is merely a completely illogical justification/excuse as to why it’s okay that I do not change myself – within this I accept and allow myself to see/realize/understand that it’s completely fucked up to exist as hiding – and that my top priority within myself should in-fact be to change myself – and to make everything in my power to change myself in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form and shape my body one and equal as hiding – accepting and allowing myself to walk hunched, and with my shoulders hiding my breast, and my solar plexus – as such creating consequences for myself – damaging my spine and making it difficult for me to sit properly for long periods of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not step out of character – through accepting and allowing myself to stop hiding myself, and to see/realize/understand that hiding myself – as in holding myself back – stepping backwards and attempting to not be seen/recognized while I am interacting with other human beings – is completely limiting me, and isn’t in anyway fun – it’s not worth it in anyway to hold unto this creation within and as me as hiding – as such I commit myself to in every moment of breath stand up in a posture wherein I don’t accept and allow myself to hide myself – and to express myself effectively, and accept and allow myself to be see/recognized/heard when I am with people – not anymore fearing to actually live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself in fear of facing conflict – as such hiding myself when I participate with other human beings – not expressing myself self-honestly, but only expressing myself in such way that I know that others will behave, be towards me in a “pleasant” and “calm” manner – because all that I do is agree with others at all times; instead of accepting and allowing myself to step forth within and as my reality – as myself – as self-honesty – and as such accept and allow myself to not merely follow along at all times but dare to stand self-independent, and regardless of what others think/feel about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never disagree with others – never – because I am to afraid to say anything that isn’t in line with what I know that another agree with; as such I will agree with everything that another say, and never attempt/try to disagree – existing within and as fear/anxiety that another will become angry at me; as such existing/living in hiding – wherein I will at all times make sure that I hide the real me – that I hide what I see in moments, if what I see isn’t in correlation with what I know that others agree with – instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop hiding myself, and to see/realize/understand that hiding myself is not living – it’s in-fact being utterly stone dead – because everything I do is done to honor and live for fear – and obviously living for fear – I am not here – thus dead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted towards people that dare to be different, and dare to speak up – and say what they think even though everyone around them completely rejects them; because that is what I want to be/live within and as me – and that is what I know that I’ve disregarded and suppressed within and as me – instead accepting and allowing myself to create myself as a placid, shy, nervous character – that isn’t ever seen/heard – and that nobody in-fact knows exist – because I am so good at always doing that which others expect of me that nobody even notice me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of coming out from my hiding, to instead idolize and attempt to make friends with beings in my world that I’ve seen possess this quality of being able to speak up, and speak out – and not be disturbed, or moved by the fact that a great number of people are completely annoyed with what they are saying; within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let myself see to the extent that I’ve limited myself existing as the hiding character – where I will always exist within and as fear that a part of the real me will be seen by others – in fear as to how this will affect and influence others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a expert at being liked and appreciated by everyone – and become a expert at being no hassle at all to anyone what-so-ever because I will do what anyone asks of me immediately without even considering within me – whether what I am doing is common sense or completely stupid – within this forgive myself that I haven’t accept and allowed myself to develop the courage within me to break character – and to not simply live to please, and satisfy – live to be a “nice and social person” – but instead step out of character and make/create myself and my life to be something that is more than simply desiring to be liked/appreciated at all times

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself – to not only hide from others, but also within me – refuse to see how I experience myself, what I backchat about – what reactions that I have – and what is actually going on within me – as such existing within a double hiding – wherein I will hide on the outside, and I will hide on the inside – as such living a complete lie, not having any touch with/insight into reality – as my relationship with myself is completely fake because all I ever do is pretending with myself, as well as my relationships with others is fake – because all I ever do is pretending that I am someone that I am not; instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop this stupid pattern, and see that I am only creating this pattern because I fear the truth of me, and that I fear facing conflict – both within and without; but I see/realize/understand that living a lie is not worth anything – it sucks – as such I push/will myself to step out of my lie and to manifest/create myself here as real – as not anymore lying/pretending – but in-fact getting to know myself for real, and develop real and actual relationships with others wherein my interaction isn’t based upon being liked – but instead me expressing and directing me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sticking out – and to fear being annoying/perceived as annoying by others – and as such commit myself to a life of seclusion, wherein the real me – and the real experience of myself is never shown or uttered/spoken – and do the same within myself – wherein I’ve never accepted and allowed myself to in-fact recognize how I exist within me – thinking/believing that what I exist/live as is bad – as such myself being a bully towards myself, as that which I fear others will do unto me – through me – the moment I see something within me – instead of recognizing this, and allowing myself to look deeper into what it is that I experience/think – immediately suppress the point – in fear of me judging and seeing myself as bad; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my living both within and without overly complicated – wherein I’ve constructed/created characters upon characters attempting and trying to hide the real truth of myself – instead of simply seeing the truth of myself and then assist/supporting myself to change this truth of myself into something that I am proud of and can stand by into eternity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the consequence of hiding is stagnation – that I will simply remain the same because I am not willing to admit to myself my weaknesses, my points of backchat and reaction – and also my external reality will remain the same – because I am not willing to speak up, and to in-fact take the driver seat of my reality – to not accept and allow my external reality to be whatever that it wants to be – but to instead push/impulse my external reality to be what is best for all – equally as I push and impulse myself each day to change myself and stand up as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself as to my tendency of hiding myself both within and without – so that I can as such release myself from this limiting pattern and instead start living for real – as seeing the real me within me – working with the real issues I have within me – as well as speaking real words with those in my world/reality – talking about real issues and problems – and finding a solution to these – and as such expand both within and without – with the consequence of what is best for all manifesting

I commit myself to step out of my comfort zone – and to get to know myself as well as others; within this seeing/realizing/understanding that there is nothing wrong/shameful about me that I must hide from myself/others – but that this is merely an excuse/justification that I’ve created so that I don’t have change; I see the stupidity in not wanting to change – and as such I remove this excuse/justification – and I will myself to in every moment stop hiding from myself, as well as others – one and equal

I commit myself to not hold myself back when interacting/participating with others, and I commit to get to know the real me – and not continue to hide from myself through as a experience come up within me – think that: “oh well, that was nothing – no need to look on that anymore – this just came up once, it’s nothing” – but to instead recognize the point that came up – and later write about the point – and as such open up to myself the entirety of myself – as all of myself – not accepting and allowing myself to have a single secret existing within me

I commit myself to correct my posture – and to do this slowly but surely, so that I do not strain my human physical body – but I see/realize/understand that I’ve created this in-effective posture during a long time, and as such I see/realize/understand that it will take a long time to correct my posture, and make myself able to sit straight without experiencing pain or discomfort in my spine or back-area

I commit myself to as I interact with others – to not hunch my shoulders inwards, and take a step backwards – attempting to make myself small and unnoticeable – to try and hide myself; but I instead correct my posture, I stand straight up and open up my shoulders – and I accept and allow myself to participate with others – communicate/speak when the opportunity open up to do so – and to not accept and allow myself to let me be controlled and directed by and through fear

I commit myself to speak/interact self-honestly – and to stop my pattern/behavior of hiding myself in the “I agree”-character – wherein I will speak and interact from a starting point of attempting and trying to have others remain “calm” and “nice” towards me – through agreeing and remaining neutral in every way – no matter what others do or say in the moment – and as such I commit myself to speak and live – and be self-honest – even though this will bring forth conflict in my world – and as such not fear conflict – but to stand stable in conflict and remain with my principle as to walking/living/speaking what is best for all – as common sense

I commit myself to not agree with others – simply because I fear disagreeing – and instead speak/communicate within and as common sense – and really ask myself within myself – whether I am in-fact agreeing, or disagreeing with the point presented – or whether I simply do not care about the point – as such pushing myself to be self-honest; and to not play apart in another’s life within wanting and desiring to be accepted – but to instead accept and allow myself to be perceived as unconventional and strange – not fearing this – honoring myself as my individual self-expression that comes forth in the moment – not attempting and trying to control me in order to keep my reality stable; obviously seeing/realizing/understanding that I will due to the shape/form of our current money system have to compromise this point of unconditional self-expression – due to me requiring money, and me having express myself as certain pleasurable, and agreeable characters to be able to attain such money

I commit myself to awaken/develop within me that which I see and admire within others – as being able to speak up and be heard – and stand stable within that speaking up regardless if others become angry and menacing towards that person for what he said; as such I accept and allow myself to develop and grow as myself – self-independence and assertiveness

I commit myself to instead of making friends with people that I admire – in order to feel close to the characteristics/living applications of others that I’ve suppressed and denied with myself; to instead develop/create these points within and as me – and as such learn from others – and be self-honest within myself as to what it is that I admire within others, and want to create within me and live as

I commit myself to step out of the “nice and social character” – and live by a principle that is beyond self-interest as the desire to be liked; and develop myself to instead participation with others take into consideration what is best for all – and not what is best for my character of wanting and desiring to be accepted – I remove this character and I birth in it’s place the ability to consider common sense

I commit myself to stop lying and pretending both within and without; and as such face what I fear as the truth of myself, and the conflict of myself – and to as such face the conflict both within and without; seeing/realizing/understanding that a living a lie is not worth anything at all – and that the only acceptable way to live is to stop the lie and become real – with myself – and with others

I commit myself to make the living of myself both within and without – as simple as breathing; and as such stop creating characters within and without – stop attempting to run away from the truth, and stop attempting to create characters of being pleasurable and nice in order to have others like me; but instead discover/develop the real me – as who I am as the physical – as a physical being with no experience/reaction

I commit myself to step out of the character as the allower – as the hiding-character – that simply let everything within and without slide past without attempting/trying/making a change – speaking up – and directing what is within and without; as such I commit myself to stop seeing my life as a movie that simply passes me by – but to instead stand up within myself and direct myself in every moment of breath according to common sense – as what is best for all; seeing/realizing/understanding that it’s up to me to change me, and that it’s up to me to change/direct my reality in such a way that I see is best for all – no-one else is going to do it for me

I commit myself to be honest with myself – and start living for real – and speaking for real/communicating for real – both with myself and others; and as such stop living a lie – and become physical

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7 thoughts on “Hiding – Part 1

  1. Pingback: Hiding – Part 2 | Viktor Persson

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