Day 9: They Are Out To Get Me!

An interesting point that opened up a couple of days – was a experience of feeling unjustly attacked.

30116_honestyThe context was as follows: I was at work – driving my taxi around – in stepped a customer – an old lady – and with her was a helper. Before I started to drive I asked the old lady if she wanted to pay now, or as we got to the destination. When I said this the helper immediately interjected and said: “she’s not paying – she pays through bills instead” – and as this was said I immediately reacted. I thought that this helper had thought that I tried to trick the old lady into giving me money – through hoping that the old lady would forget that she was being billed and as such give me more money for the ride than what was agreed.

As this happened I reacted in a feeling hurt, and afraid – hurt due to feeling that I’d been judged as a thief, or a trickster – and afraid as fearing that I’d upset the old lady, and her helper. Within this I noticed that I also started to blame the helper for my experience – and I was speaking in my mind saying that: “how can the accuse poor me of this!? Can’t they see I am a sensitive individual – I can’t take this sort of critique!” – and in essence I was justifying my reaction, and experience – and trying to blame the point unto someone else.

Thus – this is the point I am going to work with tonight – and I’ll term the character – feeling unjustly-treated character – or the unfairness-character – and also the honest-character – because I felt hurt that another would see me as a trickster – which would mean that I value the opposite of being seen as honest – so this then means that I am holding unto a character of defining myself as honest – which is obviously really limited.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react in feeling hurt, and becoming afraid – when I perceive that another is defining, and seeing me as a trickster, and a thief – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, and hold unto a honesty-character – wherein believe myself to be a “honest, and good” person – that would never do anything that is criminal, wrong, or bad – thinking that I am innocent and good natured individual – and taking pride in thinking, and feeling that I am good natured, and honest individual – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is a idea that I’ve created about myself – as a energy-experience – and that it’s in-fact a illusion and not a reality

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that being honest have any virtue – thinking that because I am honest I am more than others, and that being honest makes me entitled to judge others, and define others as being less than me; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how I’ve used honesty in order form an idea of myself – to be able to feel superior and better than others – and how I’m within perceiving that I am called out as a trickster – facing the negative polarity of this particular creation – as feeling inferior, and feeling less than – because I am not as honest as what others are

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for my experience of myself as fear, and discomfort, and hurt – as I perceive that another is implying that I am a trickster, and that I can’t be trusted – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how what is within me, and comes up within me isn’t about others – but it’s about me – and in terms of this particular point – this is a experience that I’ve cultivated and accumulated for years before I met this person that I perceive to be calling me out as a trickster

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions that are in line with my idea of myself that I am “honest” – so that I am able to feel good about myself due to my apparent purity, and goodness – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise practical common sense living – in favor of making decisions that are “honest” – and as such I accept and allow myself to see that being “honest” is then ego – and only a point of wanting to see, and define self as being more than another

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how it doesn’t change me – within me – that another believes I am trickster, a liar, or a thief, unless I accept and allow it to affect and change me; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subject to being defined by and through the social setting that I am in – instead of accepting and allowing myself to define myself in every moment of breath – and to be the directive principle of and as myself as in deciding who I am – what I am going to live – and how I am going to live it – and not allow the tonality of another’s word to make that decision for me

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I am reacting in feeling hurt, and becoming afraid – when I perceive that another is defining, and seeing me as a trickster, and a thief – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and bring myself back here; and I see, realize and understand that what another thinks about me can’t affect me unless I accept and allow it – and that unless I hold unto some idea of myself – that must be recognized by others – as for example – “I am honest” – there won’t be any reaction within me because I will in that moment stand stable within and as me – and not be defined by my external reality; as such I commit myself to breath – and to not accept and allow being seen by another as a trickster, and a liar to affect me – and have any impact on me – but remain here – moving myself in common sense

2. When and as I see that I am defining myself as honest, and generating/creating a positive experience of me – through thinking that I am a “honest” person – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – the idea of being a honest person is not real – and it’s merely an experience – that have to sides – the negative – and the positive – and because the positive can only exist with the negative – the consequence is that I must face hurt, and fear – when being seen by another as a trickster, or a liar – for me to hold unto being able to feel honest, and good about myself – when another define, and see me as a honest person; as such I commit myself to stop building myself, and creating myself from how interpret that others see me – and I instead commit myself to walk breath by breath – and remain stable, and consistent in every moment in this application of not defining myself – but being simplicity itself as only breath

3. When and as I notice that I am blaming another for my experience of myself as fear, discomfort, ad hurt – as I perceive that they are implying that I am trickster – and that I can’t be trusted; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I am facing within me is me – and nobody, and nothing else – it’s a creation of and as me – through my participation in the mind – and the point must be stopped, and directed by me; as such I commit myself to stop blaming – and instead focusing upon establishing solutions for and as myself

4. When and as I see, and notice that I make decisions that are in line with my idea of myself as being “honest” – in order to feel good about myself, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath – and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how I am within this limiting myself – and not taking a decision from common sense – as what is practical – but instead about what I feel – which is delusional to say the least; as such I commit myself to push, and practice myself to make decisions that are practical

5. When and as I see, and notice that what another do/say/feel change how I experience myself within me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this is the result of me defining, and creating myself according to how I interpret the social context in which I am; as such I commit myself to stop defining myself according to who, and what I perceive that others are – and I instead commit myself to express myself in oneness and equality with my human physical body – here

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One thought on “Day 9: They Are Out To Get Me!

  1. Pingback: Standing in the Shadow of Another's Expression: DAY 286 | Anna's Journey to LifeAnna's Journey to Life

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