This is the second post in my new series that started yesterday – in which I will walk through the point of test-anxiety – and remove this point from my life. It will be a series of around twenty blogs wherein I will go into the detail of how I’ve created this particular experience towards taking tests.
Looking at how I experienced myself in relation to tests when I was younger, I am able to see that it was the exact same thing – before each test I usually became very nervous, and anxious – and if the test I did happened to go bad I would sometimes even break down in tears. It was a big thing for me to prove that I was able to nail the tests – and I spent much time already as a youngling to study, and really learn the tests that were handed out in school.
I remember in particular one test that I took in 5th grade about religion – and I this I remember clearly because I got a good grade, and that made me really happy, and I felt content. Looking at this memory from a mind/system starting point – it’s easy to conclude that “hey! What a positive memory!” – that memory can’t be anything bad right?
Though – when looking at the implications of me becoming happy, and satisfied due to some letters arranged on my test-paper – that represent “very good” – the memory become less positive – and what I am able to see is this way of living as trying to please a authority out there in order to feel good about myself – that is one of the primary dimensions in relation to my test-anxiety – I fear becoming, and feeling worthless – and I’ve given the power to teachers, and people outside of me to determine whether I am to feel worthless or not – depending upon how well they see me do on a test.
It’s really all insane – and it shows how in-effective our education system really is – it sets people up to exist in fear of failure, and trying to gain the acceptance of authorities – instead of making school, and learning – to be about learning, and using information to the betterment of all – not competing with who know the most information – that is completely unnecessary.
1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that unless I please the teachers that are here in my life – and that unless I make sure that I am liked, and that I am in the competition with other students – being seen as the best – that I will be worthless, and that I will be less than others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others, and compete with others – and try to define me in relationship to how I perceive that others are doing in school – instead of stopping to compare myself – and instead live breath, by breath – and challenge myself – compete with myself – as pushing me to become more effective within myself – and not compete to feel superior and better than another
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of fear, and anxiety of failing with my test – not really for any practical reason – as to thinking that “when I fail my test I won’t get as a good grade, and thus not get a good job later” – but simply fear to fail, in fear of being seen as a failure – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I perceive that others think about me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire that others are to see, and define me as a success – and look at my life and think that my living is successful – and that I must be happy because I do not ever fail
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious, and nervous before each test that I take – existing within and as a belief, and a experience that my entire life – and my entire future will be determined by the outcome of this test – and how well I am able to write this test – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand – that this is not the case – I mean – my life will not become determined by one particular test – it will be determined by my general application, and movement in relation to school – and how well I apply myself in relation to my studies over an extended period of time
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that one of the reasons that I experience myself nervous, and anxious to take tests – is because everyone else seems to do that as well – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to simply copy what others do – and because others do it consider it as “normal” to do – instead of accepting and allowing myself to question whether the behavior, and application is in-fact supportive, and good for me – whether I do want to live and hold unto this point – or whether this point is nothing that I want anything to do with in my life – because I want to live, and move myself differently within and as myself
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in terms of absolutes – to think that if I fail my test – then I am absolutely fucked – to think that if I succeed with my test – then I am absolutely cool and a winner – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be more earthed, and common sensical in relation to how I approach a test – in seeing that it won’t determine my entire future – yet that it’s important for my future, as a piece, a part of my future – yet nothing that will absolutely send me either into heaven, or into hell – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put so much attention into one single point – instead of seeing that reality do not function by only one single point, but functions within several dimensions, and within several relationships between many points
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize my future as a justification to hold unto my fear – thinking that it’s reasonable, and logical to fear making the test – because I mean this will have a direct impact unto the outlook of my future – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that yes – my future will change depending on how well I am able to write this test – yet that doesn’t justify, or explain why I have to change in my experience, and application of myself – because that is something that I have control over here – and that isn’t determined by my future, or the grade the I receive – directly that is – but only indirectly through me reacting towards the point of the test – and the change in my future
1. When and as I see, and notice that I am thinking that I am must be liked, and be the best students – and be considered the most effective pupil by my teachers – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – neither my teachers – neither whether I am better than other students or not – determine who I am – because I determine who I am – and anything that contradicts this is a justification and a excuse for me not to take full responsibility for myself – as such I commit myself to take responsibility for my fear – and to stop my fear in relation to taking a test – and instead commit myself to do the test in breath here – and to practice being specific, stable, and enjoying myself in taking the test
2. When and as I see, and notice that I define failure as something that is bad, and negative – and something that I must fear – because apparently I must promote a image of success to my world at all times – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I can’t accept and allow failure to influence me in my movement – and in my decisions – I mean failure will probably happen – because failure is a natural component of learning new things and challenging myself to expand myself; as such I commit myself to stop fearing being seen as a failure, and to stop fearing failure – and instead give what is here my utmost attention – and walk it to my fullest potential – and not look at what mistakes I can make – but instead look at how I am able to solve and direct the point that is here
3. When and as I see, and notice that I am becoming nervous towards taking a test – because I feel, and think that my entire future, and my entire life will be determined by this test – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – yes – some parts of my life will be directly influenced by the outcome in this test – yet hardly will my entire life fall apart simply because I do not succeed in this test as I’ve planned to do; as such I commit myself to not get stuck in wanting one point to work out for me – and placing all of me into hoping that this point will work – but to remain flexible and work with what is here – and see that my life is what I make of it – and that a failure doesn’t necessarily imply failure – because within a failure there might be other opportunities opening up for me – as other roads to walk
4. When and as I see, and notice that I am justifying me feeling nervous, and anxious towards taking a test – with thinking that everyone else also seems nervous, and anxious towards taking this test – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – only because everyone else experience a particular – doesn’t mean that I have to accept and allow that point to exist within me – because I am the directive principle of me – and at the end of the day I stand responsible before life – all alone – with what I’ve accepted and allowed within and as me in thought, word, and deed; as such I commit myself to not compare myself with others – to justify limitation within me – but to move to the correction immediately and stand as the point of showing with is real normality as what is best for all
5.When and as I see that I am thinking in terms of absolutes – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that reality – for most part – does not work in absolutes – but is instead existing as a this constant flow – a movement – wherein there is opportunities, and several other ways to walk – if it happens to be as such that a planned route suddenly becomes impossible to walk; as such I commit myself to remain flexible – and not define myself according to my plans – yet still be deli gent, and dedicated in relation to pursuing and manifesting what I’ve planned for myself to manifest
6. When and as I see, and notice that I am using my future as a way to justify my fear – thinking that it’s logical to fear because the outcome of test will influence my future – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that it might be so that the outcome of the test influence my future – but this doesn’t make it logical to fear – I mean fear is not logical – it’s irrational in it’s very nature – and has nothing to do with reason, logic, or common sense; as such I commit myself to remain here within and as breath – and not allow myself to go into fear – but to stick with what is real – and act, move, and direct myself with and as what is real – here