Day 15: Test-anxiety – My Parents Must Approve (Part 5)

In growing up one of my primary motivators to earning good marks in school was my parents – simply because I feared disappointed them, and when I did get a low mark they didn’t seem to be very happy with me at all.

disappointed-parentsI remember at least two times when I’ve begun to cry in despair due to me feeling that the grade I received wasn’t good enough. It’s fascinating – because when I look at the point – I can see that I don’t really care. Meaning that – if my parents hadn’t become disappointed when I received a low mark – then it wouldn’t have been that much of a big deal to me – I am able to see that my grade-hunting-personality is much related to how I see myself in relation to my family.

Getting a good grade have been my way of making myself heard in the family – and make myself seen to my parents, and within this receive more attention than my siblings. Thus – my school work has been largely based upon a starting point of competition, wherein I’ve tried to put my all into my school, and the tests that I was doing, from a starting point of survival – wherein I’ve seen me receiving attention/love in the family as essential to my survival.

So – to keep my position in the family I’ve thus made sure that I receive good grades, and when I haven’t – I’ve experienced much emotional turmoil, and felt useless. The best memories I’ve in relation to getting a good grade – is when I’ve just gotten a fantastic score – and I run to my mother, or father – and I show them my test score – and then they cry out: “wow Viktor that is really good!” – this single momentary experience of happiness that I’ve felt emerge within me in these situations have been one of the major driving forces of my intense studying, and fear of failure in relation to my studies.

If it hadn’t been for this point – I am sure that I would have given up on school as a young child, and left school with nothing but average grades. That is quite fucked up – that I didn’t ever learn the importance of school, and to see that there is more to school than getting praise in the family – that your results in school will in effect determine the future of your life – I had no clue about this and instead motivated myself in school by some irrational, and irrelevant fears – as for example – the fear of my parents becoming disappointed with me.

Within this it’s also interesting to note that a consequence of me being dependent upon my parents judgment/attention in relation to my school work – has been that I’ve not developed a self-movement, and self-direction in relation to school/career/job – but I’ve instead followed what my parents have told me, or wanted me to do – and been fine with that. This is obviously something that isn’t cool at all – and that have resulted in me living my life to a large extent not for me – but for my parents.

Thus – the solution is to bring back common sense to school – to motivate myself with common sense – to see that school and my performance within it has practical effects on my future, and living environment – and that I am studying for myself – and not for my parents – and that fearing to make my parents disappointed is really a limiting, and self-compromising fear – that is consequential for my success and effectiveness in school.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my parents will become disappointed with me if I receive a bad mark on my school work, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move, and motivate myself in my school work from a starting point of fear – and from a starting point of thinking that it’s important for my survival that my parents give me attention – and judge me in relation to my school work positively

2. I forgive myself hat I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, and experience anxiety that I will loose my position in the family unless I get good marks, and fantastic grades on my school work – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a “position in the family” – to think that I am limited, and constrained to what my parents feel, and think about me – and to how much attention I receive from my parents in comparison with my siblings

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how my participation in school influence my future – and is important for me – not because of fear of disappointing my parents – because of a practical point of seeing that my results in school will effect what sort of job I will be able to have in the future – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here to the physical – and see, realize and understand that I am now an adult – and as such able to take care of myself in this world – and I do not anymore need my parents permission to love myself – or – I haven’t ever needed that permission; as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of my fear of disappointing my parents

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself hostage in fear, and to become overwhelmed with fear in relation to my studies – and to think that I need, and require fear in order to be able to study for tests, and to be able to understand tests, and to be able to receive good marks, and results in school – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely upon fear, instead of relying upon common sense – and what is physically practical – and best for all

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the person that “always receives the best grades” – and when I do not receive the best grades – to then go into a emotional turmoil, and experience myself worthless, and useless – and think, and believe that there is now “nothing more to me” – because I’ve failed at this apparently completely essential point of getting the best grade possible – instead of accepting and allowing myself to BREATH – and to see that there is much more to me than what grades, and results I receive in school – and I don’t have to define myself according to what grades, and results I receive in school

6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my experience at the school to be uncomfortable, and really not very enjoyable at all – and to make my experience of studying before exams to be this stressed, anxiety filled – hell – due to me fearing to disappoint my parents – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the gift of BREATH of letting go of this fear and bring myself back here – and participating – walking my studies – without fear – without anxiety – and without any form of self-judgment – simply walking it in silence – and breath here

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see and notice that I go into and as a fear that my parents will become disappointed with me if I receive a bad mark in my school work – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this fear is completely non-sensical – and also – completely useless – because it’s common sense that this fear only holds me back from developing and creating real self-motivation, and self-movement – as such I commit myself to walk my studies for ME within and as common sense what is best for all – and within and as fear

2. When and as I see, and notice that I go into fear that I will loose my position in the family unless I get good marks, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – my apparent position in the family is a mind-job – and not real – also – my position doesn’t determine who I am – and as is as such irrelevant; as such I commit myself to focus upon my studies – instead of fear of failing with my studies – as this is obvious common sense – just as how it’s common sense to focus upon living – and not fear of dying

3. I commit myself to become self-directed, and self-motivated in my life – and to see that my movement in my studies affect, and influence my life directly – and as such what my parents feel or not feel – that is really not relevant – but what is relevant is the actual consequences that happen in my life due to the results of my studies; as such I commit myself to stop focusing upon what others feel/think about my studies – and instead focus upon ME studying – and becoming effective at studying

4. When and as I see that I use fear in order to motivate myself to study, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I instead utilize self-enjoyment, and the strife to perfect myself in my studies – and become effective with within what I am doing to walk my studies – and as such let go of fear – as it doesn’t support me to live

5. When and as I see that I am defining, and looking at myself as the person that “always receives the best grades” – and when I don’t receive that type of grade – go into a emotional turmoil – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how I am not a grade, and I am not a mark – I am a being here – within the physical – as such not defined by what mark, and grade I receive – as such I commit myself to breath and be comfortable with and as myself here

6. When and as I see that I am making my experience of myself in school, and while studying for my exams – to be uncomfortable, filled with fear, and anxiety – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I shift my starting point – from wanting to achieve in fear of failure – to instead achieving for me – in seeing how specific and detailed I can become in relation to my studies – and how much I am able to develop a effective study technique and get the results I want to have – as such making my studies to a enjoyable game – and not a chore – and something that is boring, and must be feared, and resisted

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