Because I’ve started to study for my exams I will be less active on this blog the coming weeks – and the blog posts will not be as long.
Here I will continue to write about test-anxiety – and all the aspects, and dimensions of this particular mind-experience. Today I will write about an interesting point – the fear that I will become dissatisfied with myself unless I get the best grade.
An interesting point that I am able to see in relation to this point is that I’ve defined, and experienced dissatisfaction in relation to what grade I receive – which is the same as how my environment responds to my living – and within this I’ve not considered, or looked at me being dissatisfied, or satisfied with myself – myself being who I’ve been in relation to studying for my test, and doing the test; I mean – it’s interesting that I only consider the reaction I receive to my labor, and that I don’t consider my labor within itself – and that I simply disregard that point as being not relevant, while as a matter of a fact – it’s this point that is important.
Because – the WHO I AM point – that is the point that I am directly responsible for, that is the point that I know I am able to change – the other part of how my teachers will evaluate my performance – that is a point I have less control over – and as such it’s common sense that satisfaction, or dissatisfaction with myself – should not be in relation to something that I have no control over, but be in relation to that which I do have control over – and that I am directly responsible for.
And what am I then directly responsible for in relation to my studies, and what would imply me being satisfied with myself in relation to my studies? I can see that satisfaction should be something that I experience when I’ve studied for my exams to my utmost potential – when I’ve given it my all, and I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to compromise in anyway what-so-ever – but I’ve sat down, and read what must be read – and done my preparations for the test as effectively as I am able to do – then I should be satisfied with myself regardless of the outcome of the test – because I’ve done everything that I am able to do.
Dissatisfied with myself is something that I should be when I’ve not done everything I could do – but I’ve instead been slacking, not wanting to put in the time, and effort – not wanting walk that extra mile in order to truly perfect my knowledge within a certain subject, or learn the subject by heart – knowing everything automatically and being able to repeat it without effort – because I’ve integrated the knowledge into my very flesh. This is thus when I should be dissatisfied with myself – that is real dissatisfaction – to be dissatisfied because I get a bad grade – I mean – that is not something that is directly related to WHO I AM – and as such shouldn’t be apart of my experience of myself.
Surely – the WHO I AM affects and determines my grades to a certain extent – yet there is always that point of unpredictability, and uncertainty when dealing with the education system – where you can’t be sure how the teacher have responded to your efforts of bringing through the knowledge you’ve learned – as such – this external part as the grades – shouldn’t be the foundation within which I base my experience of me – instead I should be my own foundation – and this foundation should be directly related to my movement, direction, and participation in this world – as to whether this movement of myself is what is best for all – or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define satisfaction, and dissatisfaction in relation to external points in my world – that aren’t directly related to WHO I AM – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss myself, and to really – hide from myself – to not have to see that what reactions I receive in my external world is not – or doesn’t necessarily have anything to do about me – and as such it’s not common sense to define my experience of myself – to define who I am – according to my external reality as what reactions that I receive; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring dissatisfaction, and satisfaction back to myself – and live these words in relation to ME – HERE – as self-movement – self-direction – and participation in each and every moment – defining this words according to my ability to live what is best for all – being dissatisfied when I’ve not been capable of doing this – and satisfied when I’ve been capable of doing this
When, and as I see that I am defining satisfaction, and dissatisfaction in separation from myself – looking at these words through looking at how others responds to me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to bring these words back to me – and to when I look at whether I am satisfied, or dissatisfied with a particular point – to look at WHO I’VE BEEN in relation to the point – because that is my responsibility – that is my point within which I must take a stand – and as for my external reality – I am not in full control and not able to say that this point is something that I am directly responsible for – as such I commit myself to look at myself – my self-honesty – my participation – and my breath-to-breath living – when I evaluate whether I am satisfied, or dissatisfied with myself