Day 17: Test-anxiety – There is no time! (Part 7)

I’ve now begun to prepare for my exams, and this I am currently doing through re-reading all of the material that have been presented at the course, and making sure that I know everything of it.

1338990124_running out of timeNow, in me re-reading all of the material, and looking through old exams, and taking notes – I notice that there is much anxiety coming up within me – and the anxiety is in relation to the point of “What if I am studying wrong? What if I am placing my time, and attention on the wrong things, and then in the end I am going to fail?”

So – what I am able to see is that this is yet again fear of failure lurking it’s ugly head, and that I am within my studies – instead of studying – actually existing within a state of fear of failure. See – this I’ve found to be very fascinating – that in terms of for example fear of death – we spend so much time fearing death that we do not actually live – instead of changing our starting point to live fully in every moment and then when death comes – embrace that point as well – and because we do not live this we instead spend our time in fear and manage to do very little with our life’s because we are possessed with fear; this is exactly the same situation that I am facing in relation to my studies – wherein – I am instead of studying – instead worrying of the outcome of my studies, and that I might be studying wrong; completely ludicrous.

Though – when I’ve been sitting for some hours – usually this fear subsides and I get into my studying completely – and then I am only here – taking a breath – and then reading the next paragraph, or taking a note – simply studying so to speak. That’s how simple it should be to study for an exam – to simply do it – to simply sit down and study – with no anxiety, no fear, no projections, no worry – so this is the point I am going to work with today in my self-forgiveness, and self-commitment statements.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that I will fail with my studies – meaning don’t produce a effective grade – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus upon what might go wrong, to focus upon fear – instead of focusing upon studying – instead of focusing upon being here and learning the material that I require, and need to learn in order to pass my upcoming exams

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus upon what I experience – instead of looking at what I am doing, and focusing upon me participating effectively within and as this world – me moving myself in this world and being here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the mind as “possessing me” – when in-fact it’s me that is focusing upon fear instead of focusing upon living

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I sit down with my studies, to project myself into the future – into a distant future point – wherein I am experiencing a failure – as me not getting a effective grade on my exam – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into a complete state of anxiety, and worry – a complete state of possession wherein I am possessed with my fear, and my anxiety – and I experience it as the end of the world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose touch with what it is that I am doing here – which is studying – and completely go into my mind instead of remaining here with and as breath – with and as the physical – and simply studying for my exams

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I experience studying for my exams as stressful, as hard, as fearful – then this does not indicate that there is something wrong with the exams – it indicates that there is something wrong with me – because I mean – it’s ME that is making my experience of studying for the exams to be this stressful, and uncomfortable experience – it’s as such nobody but me that is able to stop this; and I mean – this doesn’t mean that I have to study less – or that I should instead prioritize other points instead of my exams – it only means that the WHO I AM must change – the decision of what, and who I accept and allow myself to be in every breath

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how ridiculous anxiety really is – because it’s a fear of what might happen – and when in this fear I have no directive control over what is happening HERE – because I am somewhere out there looking at what might happen, and obviously this is completely stupid – because it’s HERE that my attention should be – because it’s HERE that life happens – it’s not out there in a distant future – it’s not in my head in a dream, or fantasy – it’s HERE – in the physical – in breath – in the moment – here life happens and nowhere else – and as such it’s my responsibility to remain here as breath – and not go into my mind to try and get there, or be there

6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to enjoy studying for my exams – and to do so without anxiety – to go to the library, to sit there and read – to prepare myself to the utmost of my ability – and to enjoy this preparation phase – to walk it as a challenge – as something that I find enjoyable – and something which I am not doing from a starting point of fearing failure; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear, and anxiety sucks that life out of everything – and when there is fear – there is no presence – no enjoyment – no pleasure – there is only this fear – and this worry – and this hastiness – that I no way deserve to be called life

7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up my desires in relation to having a good grade, and give my desires of becoming something in this life – and in this see, realize, and understand – that in giving up my desires I am truly making myself able to be effective in this life – and move without self-judgment, and without fear – focusing upon common sense – placing myself in a position that is the best for me – as such being fearless and completely and intently focused upon LIVING – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand – that this is the key to being effective in this life – to live fearlessness – which is a point that can only come forth when all desires are let go of

8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of my desire to after I’m done with my studies – to get a highly paid job – or to get into being a judge, or something “high-class” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need a desire to be fulfilled for me to live – for me to express myself – for me to be effective within this life – and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how limited desires in-fact are – that they are merely these pictures, these small dreams – that are simply illusions because I’ve no idea how I’d experience myself being a judge for example – and thus they are merely hear-say – as information that I’ve gathered and decided that I want to live and have my life to look like – instead of considering common sense – and what is best for all – and what is best for me

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I am worrying, and fearing that I will fail with my studies – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this worry, and fear is simply in my way of living – it only distracts me from being effective in every moment of breath; as such I commit myself to focus upon living – expressing myself – and doing my studies – and not fear, and anxiety

2. When and as I see that I am focusing upon what I experience – making my experience my god, and that which is of utmost importance – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is MORE than this – that there is an entire physical existence HERE that is not of experience but is in-fact a actual physical point; as such I commit myself to focus upon this physical – actual reality – and not on my experience

3. When and as I see and notice that is I sit down to study – that I am projecting myself into the future – and seeing a image of my failing, and being miserable due to having received a bad test score – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean – while I am doing this projection-thingy – I am really missing my actual studies here – and while I am doing my fear-thingy – I am actually missing to integrate, and learn the information that is in-front of me in my book – I mean I am as such creating that which I fear through participating in fear; thus – I commit myself to stop participating in fear to bring myself back here to the physical and focus upon me LIVING – me STUDYING – me MOVING MYSELF – being HERE – PRESENT – DIRECTIVE – ALIVE!

4. When and as I see, and notice that I experience my exams as being stressful, hard, and fearful – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that my exams in themselves are not stressful, hard, and fearful – it’s ME that makes my exams to be this emotional rollercoaster instead of me remaining physical – breathing – and moving myself HERE – within and as my physical moment-to-moment – basis; as such I commit myself to make my studying for the exams to be FUN – a challenge – something that I enjoy to push myself within for no other reason but to challenge myself – and within this see how effective I am able to become within the education system – while not accepting and allowing a grade to define who I am

5. When and as I see and notice that I am existing within and as anxiety, as fear of what might happen – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see that fear of what might happen – is really a unnecessary fear – because while I am fearing what might happen I am not here directing what is actually happening – as such without any awareness and directive principle moving myself through my life – hoping that everything will turn out okay when I am really blindfolded because I am not in-fact here; as such I commit myself to bring myself back HERE from the future – and to live – participate – and remain here – because here is where the happening happens – in every breath

6. When and as I see, and notice that I am not enjoying my studies – but that I experience them as a struggle – and as something boring – and something tedious – and anxious-driven – I immediately stop myself, I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I don’t have to experience my studies these way – I am in-fact able to enjoy my studies – and appreciate studying – it’s simply a matter of who I decide to be in the moment; as such I commit myself to make my studies enjoyable – something fun – and pleasurable – and something that I look forward to – and not something that I try to shun away from – and hide from in fear

7. When and as I see that I am participating in the positive, as projecting myself into the future – and looking at my desires – hoping that they’ll manifest – for example – me becoming a judge, or getting a high-paid lawyer job – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that my desires are not real – they don’t depict my actual future, or how I’d actually experience myself in such a profession; as such I commit myself to stop polarizing my living through attempting to create my life as fantasies – and I instead focus upon LIVING HERE – seeing that only when I let go of all desires – will I stand without fear

8. I commit myself to develop, and create myself as fearlessness through letting go of all desires – and bringing myself back to my human physical body to live HERE

9. When and as I see that I am participating in a desire – as a fantasy – of me seeing myself getting a job wherein I get a high pay, and I become rich, and I have big network of friends – that see me as their best-friend – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this picture that comes up within me – I mean – I am sacrificing my physical presence, and living for this picture that comes up in my mind – does that make sense in anyway what so ever? No – obviously it doesn’t – it’s completely stupid – and as such I commit myself to bring myself BACK HERE – and live without desires – live without trying to reach and attain pictures – and instead live and direct myself HERE on a moment to moment basis

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Day 17: Test-anxiety – There is no time! (Part 7)

  1. Christophe De Groote

    Thanks for sharing this. Your writings are most welcome, being busy with studying for my examens too.

    Like

    Reply
  2. Pingback: Day 20: Test-anxiety – What If? (Part 10) | Viktor Persson

  3. Pingback: Dag 239: Kroppen Min – Underarmar (Del 26) | Viktor Persson

  4. Pingback: Day 21: Test-anxiety – Are Schools For Learning? (Part 11) | Viktor Persson

  5. Pingback: Day 22: Test-anxiety – Forgetfulness (Part 12) | Viktor Persson

  6. Pingback: Day 24: Test-anxiety – Self-Punishment (Part 13) | Viktor Persson

  7. Pingback: Day 25: Test-anxiety – My Plan is Falling Apart! (Part 14) | Viktor Persson

  8. Pingback: Day 27: Test-anxiety – The Calm Before The Storm (Part 16) | Viktor Persson

  9. Pingback: Day 32: I Am Really Good – Just Not This Time! | Viktor Persson

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s