I’ve now begun to prepare for my exams, and this I am currently doing through re-reading all of the material that have been presented at the course, and making sure that I know everything of it.
Now, in me re-reading all of the material, and looking through old exams, and taking notes – I notice that there is much anxiety coming up within me – and the anxiety is in relation to the point of “What if I am studying wrong? What if I am placing my time, and attention on the wrong things, and then in the end I am going to fail?”
So – what I am able to see is that this is yet again fear of failure lurking it’s ugly head, and that I am within my studies – instead of studying – actually existing within a state of fear of failure. See – this I’ve found to be very fascinating – that in terms of for example fear of death – we spend so much time fearing death that we do not actually live – instead of changing our starting point to live fully in every moment and then when death comes – embrace that point as well – and because we do not live this we instead spend our time in fear and manage to do very little with our life’s because we are possessed with fear; this is exactly the same situation that I am facing in relation to my studies – wherein – I am instead of studying – instead worrying of the outcome of my studies, and that I might be studying wrong; completely ludicrous.
Though – when I’ve been sitting for some hours – usually this fear subsides and I get into my studying completely – and then I am only here – taking a breath – and then reading the next paragraph, or taking a note – simply studying so to speak. That’s how simple it should be to study for an exam – to simply do it – to simply sit down and study – with no anxiety, no fear, no projections, no worry – so this is the point I am going to work with today in my self-forgiveness, and self-commitment statements.
1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that I will fail with my studies – meaning don’t produce a effective grade – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus upon what might go wrong, to focus upon fear – instead of focusing upon studying – instead of focusing upon being here and learning the material that I require, and need to learn in order to pass my upcoming exams
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus upon what I experience – instead of looking at what I am doing, and focusing upon me participating effectively within and as this world – me moving myself in this world and being here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the mind as “possessing me” – when in-fact it’s me that is focusing upon fear instead of focusing upon living
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I sit down with my studies, to project myself into the future – into a distant future point – wherein I am experiencing a failure – as me not getting a effective grade on my exam – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into a complete state of anxiety, and worry – a complete state of possession wherein I am possessed with my fear, and my anxiety – and I experience it as the end of the world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose touch with what it is that I am doing here – which is studying – and completely go into my mind instead of remaining here with and as breath – with and as the physical – and simply studying for my exams
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I experience studying for my exams as stressful, as hard, as fearful – then this does not indicate that there is something wrong with the exams – it indicates that there is something wrong with me – because I mean – it’s ME that is making my experience of studying for the exams to be this stressful, and uncomfortable experience – it’s as such nobody but me that is able to stop this; and I mean – this doesn’t mean that I have to study less – or that I should instead prioritize other points instead of my exams – it only means that the WHO I AM must change – the decision of what, and who I accept and allow myself to be in every breath
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how ridiculous anxiety really is – because it’s a fear of what might happen – and when in this fear I have no directive control over what is happening HERE – because I am somewhere out there looking at what might happen, and obviously this is completely stupid – because it’s HERE that my attention should be – because it’s HERE that life happens – it’s not out there in a distant future – it’s not in my head in a dream, or fantasy – it’s HERE – in the physical – in breath – in the moment – here life happens and nowhere else – and as such it’s my responsibility to remain here as breath – and not go into my mind to try and get there, or be there
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to enjoy studying for my exams – and to do so without anxiety – to go to the library, to sit there and read – to prepare myself to the utmost of my ability – and to enjoy this preparation phase – to walk it as a challenge – as something that I find enjoyable – and something which I am not doing from a starting point of fearing failure; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear, and anxiety sucks that life out of everything – and when there is fear – there is no presence – no enjoyment – no pleasure – there is only this fear – and this worry – and this hastiness – that I no way deserve to be called life
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up my desires in relation to having a good grade, and give my desires of becoming something in this life – and in this see, realize, and understand – that in giving up my desires I am truly making myself able to be effective in this life – and move without self-judgment, and without fear – focusing upon common sense – placing myself in a position that is the best for me – as such being fearless and completely and intently focused upon LIVING – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand – that this is the key to being effective in this life – to live fearlessness – which is a point that can only come forth when all desires are let go of
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of my desire to after I’m done with my studies – to get a highly paid job – or to get into being a judge, or something “high-class” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need a desire to be fulfilled for me to live – for me to express myself – for me to be effective within this life – and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how limited desires in-fact are – that they are merely these pictures, these small dreams – that are simply illusions because I’ve no idea how I’d experience myself being a judge for example – and thus they are merely hear-say – as information that I’ve gathered and decided that I want to live and have my life to look like – instead of considering common sense – and what is best for all – and what is best for me
1. When and as I see that I am worrying, and fearing that I will fail with my studies – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this worry, and fear is simply in my way of living – it only distracts me from being effective in every moment of breath; as such I commit myself to focus upon living – expressing myself – and doing my studies – and not fear, and anxiety
2. When and as I see that I am focusing upon what I experience – making my experience my god, and that which is of utmost importance – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is MORE than this – that there is an entire physical existence HERE that is not of experience but is in-fact a actual physical point; as such I commit myself to focus upon this physical – actual reality – and not on my experience
3. When and as I see and notice that is I sit down to study – that I am projecting myself into the future – and seeing a image of my failing, and being miserable due to having received a bad test score – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean – while I am doing this projection-thingy – I am really missing my actual studies here – and while I am doing my fear-thingy – I am actually missing to integrate, and learn the information that is in-front of me in my book – I mean I am as such creating that which I fear through participating in fear; thus – I commit myself to stop participating in fear to bring myself back here to the physical and focus upon me LIVING – me STUDYING – me MOVING MYSELF – being HERE – PRESENT – DIRECTIVE – ALIVE!
4. When and as I see, and notice that I experience my exams as being stressful, hard, and fearful – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that my exams in themselves are not stressful, hard, and fearful – it’s ME that makes my exams to be this emotional rollercoaster instead of me remaining physical – breathing – and moving myself HERE – within and as my physical moment-to-moment – basis; as such I commit myself to make my studying for the exams to be FUN – a challenge – something that I enjoy to push myself within for no other reason but to challenge myself – and within this see how effective I am able to become within the education system – while not accepting and allowing a grade to define who I am
5. When and as I see and notice that I am existing within and as anxiety, as fear of what might happen – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see that fear of what might happen – is really a unnecessary fear – because while I am fearing what might happen I am not here directing what is actually happening – as such without any awareness and directive principle moving myself through my life – hoping that everything will turn out okay when I am really blindfolded because I am not in-fact here; as such I commit myself to bring myself back HERE from the future – and to live – participate – and remain here – because here is where the happening happens – in every breath
6. When and as I see, and notice that I am not enjoying my studies – but that I experience them as a struggle – and as something boring – and something tedious – and anxious-driven – I immediately stop myself, I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I don’t have to experience my studies these way – I am in-fact able to enjoy my studies – and appreciate studying – it’s simply a matter of who I decide to be in the moment; as such I commit myself to make my studies enjoyable – something fun – and pleasurable – and something that I look forward to – and not something that I try to shun away from – and hide from in fear
7. When and as I see that I am participating in the positive, as projecting myself into the future – and looking at my desires – hoping that they’ll manifest – for example – me becoming a judge, or getting a high-paid lawyer job – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that my desires are not real – they don’t depict my actual future, or how I’d actually experience myself in such a profession; as such I commit myself to stop polarizing my living through attempting to create my life as fantasies – and I instead focus upon LIVING HERE – seeing that only when I let go of all desires – will I stand without fear
8. I commit myself to develop, and create myself as fearlessness through letting go of all desires – and bringing myself back to my human physical body to live HERE
9. When and as I see that I am participating in a desire – as a fantasy – of me seeing myself getting a job wherein I get a high pay, and I become rich, and I have big network of friends – that see me as their best-friend – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this picture that comes up within me – I mean – I am sacrificing my physical presence, and living for this picture that comes up in my mind – does that make sense in anyway what so ever? No – obviously it doesn’t – it’s completely stupid – and as such I commit myself to bring myself BACK HERE – and live without desires – live without trying to reach and attain pictures – and instead live and direct myself HERE on a moment to moment basis