Day 18: Test-anxiety – Fear of Feeling Useless (Part 8)

One reason that I fear receiving a bad grade – is because I fear how I will feel when I do receive the grade – I fear what thoughts will go through my mind, what images, and pictures might emerge.

am-i-worthless-message-question-text-words-Favim.com-339524The reason for this is because I’ve in the past – when I’ve gotten a bad grade gone into a experience of feeling useless, and bad – and I’ve felt that I was a failure – and within that experience the rest of my world seemed to be not relevant at all – and everything that was relevant was my experience of feeling bad that I didn’t receive the best grade. This is how it’s been for all my years in school – the grade – the comment from the teacher – the final judgment – that have always made such a big impact on me – both positively, and negatively – both with feeling super-good, and also feeling super-low.

Why is this? I mean – where does this point originate? What I am able to see is that it has to do with self-worth, self-integrity, self-respect, and self-love – basically who I am towards myself, and how much worth I consider myself having only by myself. I am able to see that through my life I’ve tried to add worth to myself through taking on various points – I’ve tried to add worth to me through playing sports, through learning to play guitar, through learning a new language – and also getting a good grade in school have also been another way to add worth to me – and the reason for this is because deep down I’ve felt that there is no worth to me – and that I need something to put unto me – like a Christmas tree receiving it’s dressing – for me to be able to be whole, fulfilled – and worth something.

This is obviously completely fucked up – because common sense is that I should be fine with me regardless of where I am in this world, of what I own, of what skills I have, or what education I have – that is real self-worth – and self-love – when the external does not determine who I am – but instead I determine who I am – because that is completely unconditional and not dependent upon slaves to be realized.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider, and define myself as having no inherent worth – and as being in essence worthless – and within this think that I must cloth myself with various experiences, and symbols in this world to gain worth – and to “become something” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself – to not love myself – and to not worth myself – to not see, realize and understand that I do not need something more than me to be worthy of living – worthy of loving myself

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon external points in order to give me an experience of feeling worthy – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize education as my slave – to give to me worth – within me believing that I am not able to give worth, and love to myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself here as completely whole – and fulfilled – to see, realize, and understand that I am not able to create real worth through external points – but that real worth must be something that I live and create from nothing as myself – otherwise it’s a point of separation that I am using to not take self-responsibility for who I am

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself in create myself as self-love, and self-worth – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my environment – to blame school – to blame education – to blame friends – to blame my family – for me not experiencing worth as myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that it’s up to me to create me – and that this is because I am here – to create myself as self-worth, and self-love – and that this is what I am doing through making a decision within myself as to who I am going to be in a particular moment – and what I am going to live as – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – bring myself back here – and live self-worth, and self-love – as myself – through not being influenced by my external world and reality

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and emulate an experience of self-love, and self-worth – through getting good grades in school – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that a actual – and real expression of self-worth, and self-love is not a short burst of energy – it’s not a feeling as feeling good – it’s a actual – one and equal – physical movement – and physical stance of myself here – as who and what I will accept and allow myself to express myself as – and as who and what I will accept and allow myself to exist, and live as; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not BREATH – and being this process of self-creation – and walk this process of self-creation in every moment of breath – in every here – moment

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that worth, and love is to come to me – without me giving these points to myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to go the lazy-route of manifesting self-worth, and self-love – through defining it in relation to a external point – and then trying to get the attention, and positive affirmation from that external point – instead of me willing myself to stand, and create, and live myself as self-worth, and self-love – and as such stopping the separation – stopping the attempt to have another give to me what I am not giving to myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the simple common sense in understanding how I function – in understanding that I can’t steal, or take self-worth from another – but I must create, and move, and direct the point as myself here within and as oneness and equality – else it’s not real

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I consider, and define myself as being inherently, and in essence worthless – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – NO – I am not inherently, or in essence worthless – I am here with the potential to create and birth myself as life from the physical – and I am here with the potential to decide what I am going to live in my life – and how I am going to life – as such I commit myself to take this gift of who I am – and utilize this gift as my potential to birth me as life from the physical – to see that this is real worth – and real value – and to bring this point to fruition – and fulfillment

2. When and as I see that am making myself dependent upon external points in order to give me an experience of feeling worth – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I must create myself as worth, else worth is not real but only a mirror image in separation from myself – as a feeling – as a thought – and as such I commit myself to bring into creation real worth – and real value – and real living practically here – within and as physical self-movement – on a breath per breath basis here

3. I commit myself to take responsibility for myself – in creating myself as self-worth – and self-love – in practical self-movement – wherein self-love, and self-worth is not something that I try to generate through having others looking at me a specific way – or perceiving me in a particular way – but that it’s a point that I am living as myself – and walking as myself without being dependent upon another

4. When and as I see that I am trying to emulate a experience of self-love, and self-worth – through getting good grades in school – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that good grades won’t give me self-worth, and self-love – good grades have nothing to do with WHO I AM – because WHO I AM is my responsibility and not the responsibility of my grades – as such I commit myself to take full responsibility for myself – and to stop utilizing my external environment to sabotage myself – in saying it’s my external environment that should give to me – instead of me deciding to give me to me

5. I commit myself to give to myself that which I’d like my external environment to give to me – as such I commit myself to give to myself self-worth and self-love – applying these points as – pushing myself in process – and walking through – applying self-forgiveness on reactions, and thoughts as they come up – and not accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within and as the mind – as experience – as thought – as limitation

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3 thoughts on “Day 18: Test-anxiety – Fear of Feeling Useless (Part 8)

  1. Pingback: Ressurecting The Emotional Zombie: DAY 207 | Anna's Journey to Life

  2. Pingback: Day 27: Test-anxiety – The Calm Before The Storm (Part 16) | Viktor Persson

  3. Pingback: Falling in Love as the Meaning of Life: (Relationship Paranoia Pt. 4): DAY 213 | Anna's Journey to Life

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