Day 19: Test-anxiety – Competition (Part 9)

One of the reasons I experience anxiety, and fear towards not receiving a good grade on my exams is because of competition, and comparison – meaning – that I have thoughts about how I will perform, in relation to others – and within this I experience fear that I will not perform as well as others are going to perform.

competition-people1My first memories of competition in relation to school is from when I was around 10 years old – and here I remember that I was competing with one of my friends as to how got the best test score. When I got the best score I was happy, and excited – and I looked with glee at my friends score, and within that I felt like a winner. When my friend got the best score I became jealous, and I felt inferior and had thoughts of the nature such as: “I must practice more!” – “How come my friend always get’s a better score than me?!” – “Why can’t I be as good as my friend?”

Currently I am studying law – and this education is famous for being very competitive, because in essence your career possibilities are determined by what grades you receive – so I’ve seen that I’ve become very much affected by how my course-mates feel in relation to their grades, and I can see how I’ve been swept into this grade-competition cult. In the beginning when I first started this education I wasn’t that much fearful of receiving a bad grade, but the more, and more I’ve become integrated into the law-culture – I’ve become more inclined to worry, and fear about my grades.

So – here I have a cool opportunity to stand up and stand as an example of not accepting and allowing oneself to go into, and exist as competition – but to instead walk one’s education from a starting point of self-performance – where one change one’s starting point of competition – from competing with others to feel like a winner – to instead compete with oneself in challenging oneself to perform more effectively, and push through resistances, and become more dedicated, and diligent in relation to one’s studies.

Obviously – this is how competition should exist in this world – there shouldn’t be any comparative competition because really such competition is in-fact a lie – because it’s utterly impossible to compete against another as everyone as totally different capabilities, and resources at their disposal – we have all different genetic makeups, all different past’s, different up-bringing’s, and as such it’s really impossible for two people to compete – because they are never equal in all their prerequisites.

Thus – I will push to when I study – to change the competition – from ego-competition – to self-competition – as competing with oneself in challenging oneself to excel – obviously not from a emotional starting point – and not from a starting point of self-judgment – but instead like a game that I am able to play with myself – and that I am able to use to become more effective in my living, and in my various skills that I’ve taken on and decided to develop in this life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to infest myself with competition, and to study from a starting point of competition, and feeling that I am less than others – and that I have to perform, and become better than others in order to be satisfied with myself – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to recognize the fact that competition isn’t in-fact real – when I am competing with others – because I can’t compete with others as no two people have the same prerequisites – as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to instead change competition to become a self-support point – wherein I accept and allow myself to compete with myself – in challenging myself to excel, and become more effective within the points that I am walking in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how comparison, and competition are in-fact lies, and illusions that are spread in this world as a virus by media, education, and parents – believing that it’s possible for two people to compare each-other – when obviously it’s not possible – and as such the entire starting point of education, and comparison – and competition in this world is flawed – and without reality-connection; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become influenced by, and take on this flawed definition, and idea of competition – and try to live it within myself, and my world – instead of seeing that it’s not reality-compatible – and that it will accordingly only create conflict within me and my life

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how jealousy, and competition are in-fact misunderstandings – as creations that have been developed from within a assumption that two points can be compared in this reality – while this is not so – as all points in this world, and reality have their own unique past’s, their own unique prerequisites – and as such the idea of competition, jealousy, and comparison – is a flawed idea that is not functional in reality – and based on reality

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into competition, jealousy, and comparison with others – and from this fuel anxiety, and fear within me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand how competition, comparison, and jealousy are concepts that are flawed – and not aligned with reality – they are in-fact illusions and mental projections; as such I commit myself to change competition – and comparison – and create this to be a supportive point for myself – that I utilize within myself – towards myself – to perfect, and move myself to become more effective in regards to the skills, and applications that I’ve taken on to develop and create within and as this lifetime

When and as I see that I am reacting towards what I perceive to be another being more effective than me – and I in that go into anxiety, and jealousy – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t compare myself with another – I can look at another for inspiration – but comparing myself is not viable – because it’s not real – because I am not another – and as such I can’t compare myself with another – though I am able to utilize what I see another do effectively within me – and develop this point in me – from a starting point of self-support, wherein I recognize that I am different than another – and that I can’t expect myself to be like another – and that I as such have to work with myself – here – as what is here as me currently; as such I commit myself to work with me – and to not work, and develop myself from a starting point of comparing myself with another – but instead work, and develop myself – within and as my living – from a starting point of me considering myself – and who I am within and as myself

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3 thoughts on “Day 19: Test-anxiety – Competition (Part 9)

  1. Pingback: Day 21: Test-anxiety – Are Schools For Learning? (Part 11) | Viktor Persson

  2. Pingback: Ressurecting The Emotional Zombie: DAY 207 | Anna's Journey to Life

  3. Pingback: Day 28: Test-anxiety – The Calm Before The Storm (Part 16) | Viktor Persson

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