Day 20: Test-anxiety – What If? (Part 10)

Now it’s about 15 days left to my exam, and usually I spend these days studying in a library, or at home – I try to do this as consistently as possible, and when I am doing this I exist within a fear that I will loose time – and this fear exists because of a “what if?” that comes up within me – and this “what if?” is – “what if I won’t learn, and remember enough?”

This fear have now come up within me because I am planning to during my study period go and visit my mother, and as such leave the comfort-zone of my libraries, and my apartment – and thus the fear came up as to “what if I won’t learn enough?”

Now – what I am able to see is that the “what if I don’t learn enough?” – it’s only a layer – it’s to top layer – and behind this fear there is the point of failing at the test – because that is obviously the outcome of not learning enough – and behind this point lies the fear of not getting a good job after I am done with my studies – or getting a job at all, and because of this getting stuck in the system in some average, and meaningless wage-slavery job; this is the origin of my fear – the fear of becoming a worthless person – or obviously – what I’ve been instructed, and taught to be a worthless person.

Within this I am able to see that I’ve for most of my life been very busy with trying to learn, and do new things – in order to not remain stuck, and become a lifeless nobody. And through-out my life I’ve had this feeling in me that there is something more meant for me – and that I will not only become a wage-slave – I won’t only spend my life in this city, or town – I will move myself, and I will become things – something extraordinary and special – and I am able to see that I am still holding unto this idea, and belief – and this is causing much anxiety, and conflict within me – that I feel pressured to reach, and uphold this ideal image of myself as to what I am to become in this life, and what I am not to become – and this is obviously not very cool at all – thus I will apply self-forgiveness, and place self-commitment statements on this point.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of myself that I am to become, and be something special in this life – that my life is to become unique, and that I am not to be like everyone else – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear, and a anxiety of being average – of being normal – of being “like everyone else” – in thinking and believing that me being like everyone else will make me less than what others are – and that I will as such be a inferior human-being and not be able to enjoy myself – or do something worthwhile with myself

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create anxiety, and fear within myself through chasing after a ideal, a dream, and a idea – a belief that I am to be, and become something more – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – and to accept myself as already being something/someone – a body – a physical entity here – and that I do not need more than me being here with myself within and as the physical – and that really this idea I have in my head of me becoming something more – it isn’t real – it’s a illusion – it’s a idea that I’ve taken on from my parents and not something of substance and reality

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, and experience – and go into and as a fear, and anxiety when the time comes for my exams – because I fear not being the best – and being average – thinking that when I am average – that this means that I am nothing, and that I am useless – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how this is a belief that I’ve adopted from my parents – and that it’s in-fact not me – it’s not me thinking, and believing this – it’s me listening to my pre-programming and defining myself according to my pre-programming – instead of asking myself “who am I?” – “who is it that I want to be?” – “how is it that I want to experience myself here?”

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that every time that I’ve failed at a test, or a exam – or something of the like – I’ve felt like I’ve lost something – and I’ve been miserable – yet within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I haven’t actually, and for real – lost something – because I’ve remained here with my physical through out the entire experience – and as such the point of me loosing myself – it’s not real – the entire idea of feeling miserable because I’ve failed with a test is not real – but merely an idea, and a point of non-sensical pre-programming – that holds no relevance to and as reality

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how the idea of becoming something more, that idea of becoming special – and having something more in this life waiting for me out there – is in-fact a illusion – and only serves to keep me stuck in hope, and in waiting – wherein I wait for something to happen to me – to something to come to me – and for me life to begin – instead of me stopping waiting – stopping feeling like there is something more that’s going to happen to me in this life – and instead living that more in every moment of breath – through moving myself here with and as my human physical body – one breath at a time – here

6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how the concept of being average, and being more – is in-fact products of competition, and comparison – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how these points can only exist as thoughts, as thinking – and that in this physical reality – all points are physically here – neither more than, or less than – but simply what the point is here as the physical; and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to align myself with and as that which is real as this physical existence as living within and as the physical in oneness and equality here

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I am feeling/thinking that I am to become something special, and more in this life – that my life is to become unique, and that I am not to be like everyone else – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I experience is not of reality – it’s a mind-delusion – a point that can only exist in my head – because in the physical – everything is HERE – there is nothing more, or less than – but instead every point is simply here as what it exists as in this moment; as such I commit myself to stop feeling that my life is to become anything – and instead live in every moment here – to my fullest and most complete presence in every moment – not taking anything for granted

2. When and as I see, and notice that I am chasing after an ideal, a dream, and a idea – a belief that I am to be, and become something more – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in this world – most people seek to become famous, and that this is what is perpetuated in media over-all – though – this doesn’t mean that fame is real – meaning – that fame makes someone more than another; as such I commit myself to stop searching to become more than another – because it’s not real – and I instead commit myself live in the simplicity of every moment – as the simplicity of one single breath – seeking nothing – needing nothing – being here

3. When and as I see, and notice that I go into fear, and anxiety of becoming, and being average – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – average, and more – less and more – that is consciousness illusions that are promoted in this world due to there being no understanding in humanity as to what is real – and what is life – and what is living; as such I commit myself to stand as the example of stopping this nonsense – and within this allowing myself to be comfortable with myself regardless of where, what, or who I am in this world – as such accepting MYSELF – and not trying to accept the image, and presentation of myself – because that isn’t real to begin with

4. When and as I experience fear, and anxiety towards failing at my exam – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this fear is not real – because I fear that I will loose myself when I fail the test – but – I won’t – nothing will happen to me at all if I fail the test – I will simply have failed the test and physically still be here; as such I commit myself to stop fearing points that pose no danger at all – and as such stop existing, and letting myself be ruled by irrational fear – and instead practice looking at things in common sense – and walking each point that emerge here within and as the silence of breath

5. When and as I see that I am striving for, hunting, and trying to become something more – and excel to be something better – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that excelling to become something more – that is not real – excelling from a starting point of me honing, and practicing a skill – a application – that is real – because – when I remain the same within me – that makes a point real – because then I am the directive principle – I am the decision maker – and I decide who I am – and I walk with and as the physical here – and not allowing myself to be ruled by a experience – experience are never real; as such I commit myself to walk with my physical – and to within this not define myself according to what I do in this life – but remain the same – as one breath – here

6. When and as I see, and notice that I am fearing to become average – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – being average, and being more – those are ideas based upon competition and comparison – and are as such not a product of natural physical movement – but are of the mind – as illusion – as mental reality projected unto the physical; as such I commit myself to bring myself back here – and to be with my body in oneness and equality – and to stop comparing me to another – and stop competing with another – and instead focus upon me – and who I am within and as myself

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2 thoughts on “Day 20: Test-anxiety – What If? (Part 10)

  1. Pingback: Day 22: Test-anxiety – Forgetfulness (Part 12) | Viktor Persson

  2. Pingback: Falling in Love as the Meaning of Life: (Relationship Paranoia Pt. 4): DAY 213 | Anna's Journey to Life

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