Day 22: Test-anxiety – Forgetfulness (Part 12)

One fear that I have in relation towards doing my exams – is that I will sit down behind my desk, be handed the exam, and then – in the same moment as I turn my exam paper around to look at the questions – completely blank and remember absolutely nothing – or – looking at the question – realize that I absolutely can’t in anyway know what the answer is.

I’ve actually through-out my studies faced these particular points – what’s interesting is that each time it’s happened – I’ve decided to “fuck it” and simply write an answer without worrying about whether it was wrong or right, and interestingly enough this has brought good marks. What does this then indicate?

It indicates that fear does not dictate who I am, and that the experience of being blank while seeing a question – isn’t real – because when I’ve prepared myself effectively the information is integrated, and automated as a part of my very flesh – which means that the information is simply here and that I don’t require to think, worry, fear, or experience anything in order to answer the question.

forgetfulness-800X800It’s funny to see that for each test that I’ve done so far in the university I’ve felt that I wasn’t going to make it – that I was going to get a shitty result, and that I was going to fail – yet – I’ve received top marks each time – this is showing me that what I feel can’t be trusted – what I think can’t be trusted – what I can trust is that there is a direct correlation between how much time, and effort I give to preparing for my exams, and the final outcome of the exam – thus when I’m doing to exam, or I’m about to do the exam, or I’ve done the exam – I can’t trust any thoughts coming up to me – analyzing my chances as to what grade I will receive – as these thoughts are simply not real – and they do not say anything about my actual application within doing the exam.

Fear can’t be trusted – and anxiety can’t be trusted – what can be trusted is the physical – placing time, and effort into preparation for my exam is a physical point and can as such be trusted as a indicator as to what the final outcome on my exams will be – also – fear when I see a question that I don’t know the answer to, and that I black-out seeing while doing my exam – isn’t real – and it doesn’t give me an indicator as to my ability to answer the question effectively – because for that is a physical movement point and not anything that have anything to do with my mind – or fear.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety that I will sit down by my exam – and then forget everything, and go into a blank – and not know what to write – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind – to trust fear – to trust the blankness that emerge within me – instead of me trusting myself – and instead me taking a breath in that moment and simply walking the test to my fullest, and utmost capacity

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in fearing something – I am creating that something – thus in fearing that I will fail – in fearing that I won’t know the answer – in fearing that I won’t be able to find out and walk my exam sufficiently – I am in-fact creating, and manifesting that very fear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, and have a opposite idea within – thinking that fear protects me – and that fear will make me experience less failure – trusting that fear will make my life easier, and more safe – not realizing, seeing and understanding – that this is not the case

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear protects, and that fear makes me safe – and that fear makes me more comfortable – and that fear makes it easier for me to walk, and participate within and as my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here – and to realize that fear sucks – meaning that fear sucks the life force out me – and makes me a zombie unable to direct myself and make a decision – simply because I am stuck in a state of mind as fear – a state my–inn – meaning – being stuck in my own mind in my own world and missing to live – and participate in this world here

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fear my god, in believing that if I make fear my god – then fear will protect me – and fear will make me be safe – and fear will make sure that my life becomes a success – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here – and realize that fear hasn’t done anything for me in my life even though I’ve fully trusted and given my all to fear – fear has only served to limit me in my life – and to make life nothing but a failure, and a mistake – and a complete journey of failure

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason I’ve nearly not made some exams – has been because of fear – it’s not been because I’ve lacked the knowledge – it’s not been because I’ve been badly prepared – it’s been because I’ve went into a state of panic, and fear – and within this missed reading the question effectively – and as such not been in a relaxed, and comfortable state to be able to answer the questions effectively – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop trusting fear – and to instead live HERE with and as breath – without fear

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I go into a fear of forgetting everything when I am writing my exam, and going into a blank – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and within this I see, realize, and understand that I am in this moment giving my trust, and my life over to fear – instead of remaining cool – remaining breathing – remaining stable here; as such I commit myself to breath – and remain with and as my body in oneness and equality – and not go into panic – but to remain here with and as my human physical body in oneness and equality

2. When and as I see that I am going into fear, and I believe that I am protecting myself by going into fear – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I am not protecting myself by going into fear – I am in-fact merely creating that which I fear – which is obviously not what I want for myself and as such it’s stupid for me to rely upon fear – as such I commit myself to bring myself back here to breath – and to not rely upon fear but to rely upon my human physical body – and walking HERE with and as every breath – with and as every moment of being here – making sure that I live fully and that I don’t hold myself back in fear

3. When and as I see that I am participating in fear and that I think that fear makes me better, more protected, more enhanced to live and take care of myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – fear – is limitation – fear is stupidity – fear is the inability to be here – stable – sound and directive within and as the moment – as such I commit myself to STOP being a slave to fear – and to stop trusting fear – and instead begin practicing to only ever trust myself here – within and as my human physical body

4. When and as I see that I am making fear my god – through making a decision upon the basis of fear – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in making a decision upon the basis of fear – I am limiting myself, I am limiting my life, I am limiting my living and my movement here – as such I commit myself to bring myself back into and as my human physical body and participate – and walk HERE within and as my human physical body

5. When and as I give fear attention – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in giving fear attention – I am giving fear power – and I am removing power from myself as the living principle and direction here – as such I commit myself to bring myself back here to the physical – and to align myself with and as real power – as physical self-movement, and direction – and within this delete fear from my life in all ways – and walk fully the understanding that life can only exist where there is no more fear

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