During the last couple of days some points have opened up – and these points are specifically in relation to a particular savior/hero-character that I’ve developed.
For example – this character will come up while I am in a discussion with someone, about something – and then the other person will mention something that I consider to not be very self-honest – for example they might conclude that they are going to do something in the future that I find to be very risky and dangerous. As this happens I will then enter my savior/hero-character – which in essence mean that I will try to show another “the right way” – and make sure that I help another to not walk the wrong path.
As I do this I will not be clear, or stable – but I will experience a slight unease in my solar-plexus – and if the other person disagrees with me as to what I suggest – I tend to go into a state of competition, or fighting – where I will now try to prove to the other person that my suggestions are the correct suggestions, and that the other person should listen to me because that’d be best for that person – in my mind that is.
It’s interesting that I have this obsession with what other persons are doing, and that I am not instead paying attention to my life – and what I am doing. Because that should be my main priority – making it certain that I am stable, that I make effective decisions, and that I know what I am doing – so this point of focusing upon what others are doing – and trying to save, and be a hero to others – it’s really a point of me hiding from myself – so as to not see where in my life I require to be a hero, and savior for myself – and also a way for me to feel good about myself – because when I’ve “helped” another – I tend to feel good about myself, and think that I’ve done a good deed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of superiority, as a state of thinking that I know more, and that I am more effective than another – and that I as such require to help another, and put another on the right path – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into and as the pattern, and state of being as the missionary – wherein I am on my mission to convince others that I am right – and that I know the best – within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am trying to convince others – and have others agree with me – because I’ve not yet effectively stabilized myself in my relationship to me – and feel that I require another to agree with me – before I am able to trust myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, and experience that I can’t trust myself – and that I can’t know that what I see, and what I understand is real – if others don’t see things the same way as me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my time trying to convince others – and have others see things the same way as I see things – instead of focusing upon myself – and looking at what problems I’ve within me – and why it is that I do not trust myself – why is it that I feel I must convince others, and make others think the same as me – before I am able to stand stable, certain, and assertive within a particular realization that I’ve had?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for recognition in others – through presenting myself as “the wise man” – wherein I’ll try to give others advice, and save others from the perils that I perceive they are going to walk through in their life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with what others are doing – what others experience – instead of me looking at what particular reactions this brings up within me – and seeing that my so called “assistance and support” is really something that is driven from an experience within me – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t been self-honest with me – in recognizing when it is that I have an experience within – and when it is that I am speaking from such an experience – to as such allow me to become more specific and directive in relation to the mind – and not allow myself to in anyway be enslaved – controlled, or directed by and through the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give others advice in order to feel superior and more than within me – and within this I forgive myself that haven’t realized that I must only feel more than, and pump myself up – when I’ve defined myself as less than – and as apparently not having – not being equal to others, but instead less than others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a definition, and idea of myself as being less than others – as thinking that my life have been such a failure, and such a mistake – that I as such in order to pump myself up to equality with others – that I require to become this wise man, that give lot’s of very wise suggestions – and that others respect because of the suggestions that I give; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself – take a breath – and realize that I don’t require to have an energy of superiority within me to be equal with others – and that I don’t require to make amends for my mistakes, and failures in the past through becoming a wise-character – but that I can forgive myself – and start a new
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not start a new in my life – and to within this accept and allow myself to be born again – and as such in every moment as I participate with people do so here without any pre-conceived ideas as to who I am – as to what I should say – as to who I should be – to as such accept and allow myself to discover myself as self-expression here – as being real – not planned, and not moved by and through any secret agenda of the mind as trying to feel more than – or trying to avoid feeling less than – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – bring myself back here – and push myself to live and exist in every moment as a new born – with a clean slate – letting go of the past moment – and getting into this moment as a breath – as a physical presence movement here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I require to become more than what I’ve been in my past – because apparently I’ve been such a looser in my past that I now require to move myself, and push myself to become something more – and to show others that I’ve become something more through speaking words, and sharing points – hoping that others are going to react, and within this recognize me as having changed – and as having become more – so that I will be able to feel good about myself, and feel as if my life have purpose – and that I’ve done something good with myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am able to forgive myself – that I am able to let go of the past, to let go of experience – to let go of feeling like a failure – and accordingly not have to be anyone, or say anything – to have another see me as a success – because I let go of that whole point in all it’s facets and allow myself to be re-born in every moment of breath
When and as I see that I am going into a state, and character of the wise man, the hero, or savior character – wherein I will give advice, and speak wise things to help another avoid a point – or learn something – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this character is not me – it’s simply me trying to be something that I am not thinking that who I am naturally here is apparently not enough – not effective enough – and that I require to be more – I realize that this is not true and that it’s simply an idea that I’ve created over time; as such I commit myself to bring myself back here to the physical – and to live myself as my own individual and unique self-expression here – where I don’t try to be more, or less than me – but I take a breath – and I accept and allow myself to be me
When and as I see that I am limiting myself, through thinking that my past is a failure, and that I in order to fix this failure require to become something more in my life – and that I require to show to others that I’ve managed to become and create myself as something more – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I don’t require to become more – I don’t require to show to others that I’ve changed, or that I know have another understanding, or definition of life, and living as what I had in the past – as such I commit myself to stop searching for understanding from others, and to stop searching for being recognized by others – and I instead accept and allow myself to focus upon myself, and to recognize myself, my understandings, and my comprehension of this world – and to accept and allow myself to let go of any feeling, and idea that my life to this point have been a failure
When and as I see that I am speaking to others – giving advice, or trying to show others a point – from a starting point of reaction as experiencing a slight anxiety in my chest – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this anxiety shows to me that I am not yet ready so to speak – to direct another being – and that I am not yet ready to speak about this particular topic – because the anxiety indicates that I don’t have a clue as to what it is that I am saying, and that I am not stable in relation to the other person, and that what I am saying have a secret agenda – because I am not clear, stable – and directive here; as such I commit myself to before I speak with another – to make sure I am not in anyway reacting within myself – and if I notice that I do react – to then not speak, and not go into the point of trying to assist, and support another – but first, and foremost clarify the point for myself – and assist and support myself to remove, and take away the anxiety, or fear, or uncertainty that I experience