Day 25: Test-anxiety – My Plan is Falling Apart! (Part 14)

Today I got up to study as I usually do around eight a o’clock in the morning – and each day I sit until about four, five, and sometimes six o’clock at the night – it’s around that time when I am able to feel that – “study time is now over”.

I tend to be strict with myself in keeping these times – and in my head I’ve this plan set up – that I go up in the morning, I study for this many hours, and then I am free to go and do something else. Today something came up that in a moment broke my plan – and suddenly I required changing my plans, and spending time to move, and direct some other points that unexpectedly had emerged.

stress-management-techniqueWhen this happened I went into a state of fear – that was my first reaction – and I had a thought come up: “I will loose several hours of study time!” – and after that thought came some images, and imaginations of how I saw myself fail at the exam – not being able to answer a single question because I didn’t study for those two extra hours.

After that initial reaction of fear came a reaction of anger, and frustration – wherein I began to blame my external reality as not being reliable, and trustworthy – and not giving me space to concentrate, and do my things.

I found both these reactions to be fascinating, as they show a lot to me about myself – and how I exist within myself in relation to my studies without even noticing. Firstly – what I am able to see in relation to the fear reaction is that the event in itself didn’t cause the fear, as the fear was already here and existent in my way to approach my studies, and in the way I think about my studies – and in a way I am able to see that they way I think about my studies, and the way I approach my studies is a mechanism that I utilize in order to suppress fear.

The origin fear is then to fail with my studies, and to become a miserable average (to not win) – and also fearing that I will become disappointed with myself and feel that I didn’t give enough, and walk sufficiently – and exert sufficient amount of effort to succeed in my studies – and this is fears that I suppress through studying for long hours. Though, it’s not about me studying for long hours really – it’s about WHO I AM within studying for long hours – and the presence within which I am studying – and that presence I will call out, and name as the hectic-stress-presence – wherein there is a specific tinge of intensity, and fast-paced-movement in my physical body movements – and as to describe it literally – I’d say it’s like I am struggling to reach the finish line, and win – and get there (where really?) before everyone else – and as such I am in a fight, and struggle against time – and time is my great nemesis that I am trying to defeat so that I won’t end up loosing.

Thus – it’s not strange that when suddenly my plan had to be changed – and I’d to abandon this struggle with time, and in essence give up my struggle, and competition against time – I went into fear – and then I went into blame thinking that another had caused me to loose against time.

Within this I see that it’s not about slowing down as to how fast I move – and it’s not about studying for less hours – it’s about changing my expression within all of this to be stable, and consistent – so that I am in a war against time – but that I am simply moving myself effectively here in every moment of breath – being HERE – stable in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to struggle, and fight against time – and within this exist in a constant state of fear, and nervous of missing out on time – and loosing time – and not having enough time – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand – that in existing in this state of fear of loosing time – what I am creating for myself is lack of time – which makes sense – because when I exist and walk in fear – I am not here in time in actuality – but I am in my mind – not being here – and walking with space and time – one and equal – as breathing one breath in, and then one breath out – and then repeating the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to win over time – and to believe that if I fight sufficiently, and if I struggle enough, and if I dedicate my life towards this fight, and struggle, as trying to defeat, and conquer time – that I will then be able to win – and save time – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that – it’s not about saving time – because that is impossible – it’s about walking one and equal with time and space here – standing in every moment here – as one breath – as one moment in time – in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a character of stress, and fear when I study – and I am able to see this character in motion through me constantly looking at the clock, and taking my time so to speak – looking at how much, or how little time I have left – and looking at how fast, or how slow I’ll have to move myself in order to save my time – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand – that in a way – this fight against time can only exist when I have expectations on myself as to what I am able to do in the time I have at my disposal – and as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to not have any expectations upon myself – and to within this walk, and stand within and as oneness and equality with time – as simply walking here – and doing that which I am able to do and have time to do in this breath here that is at my disposal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the character of fast-paced-stress-movement – wherein I am not moving fast as a physical expression of me – but I am moving fast as stress – as fearing to loose time – as fearing for my survival – as fearing that unless I move myself in this stress, and fear – then I will loose time and this might as such cause me not to survive – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted, and allowed myself to BREATH – and to let go of this fear of survival – in seeing that in seeking to survive – I am not living – because I am seeking for something out there – and trying to keep it – instead of having it here in every breath as me living here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it habitual pattern to make study-sessions be really uncomfortable, worrisome, and arduous – simply because I will push myself, and challenge myself – beyond my limitations – but in a forceful and harmful way – because I exist in this stress-character – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself chill-out – to breath and smell the roses – and to realize that I don’t have to utilize and live this stress character in order to get things done – and in order to care for and take care of my responsibilities here – I mean – it’s something that I am able to do in a breath here – calmly – and easily – with and as my human physical body – in the stability of physical expression here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I am not able to do everything that I’ve created in my expectations that I should be able to do with my time – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding – that I have planned to much – and that I’ve expectations of myself that haven’t been in alignment with actual time – and actual physical movement here – which then obviously is a problem – because I become in conflict with the actual physical – and go into fear – instead of realizing that I only have one breath in every moment – and I am only able to do as much as I am able to do in this one breath here

When and as I see that I go into the stressful character – wherein I am fighting for my survival – fighting against time – fighting to get as much done as possible to secure my money, and my survival – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t need this character – and this experience to be able to care for myself in this life – and make sure that I remain stable financially in this life – as all that I need, and require is me as self-movement directing myself in every breath – thus I commit myself to BREATH – and to let go – and to make my moment of studying to be pleasurable – and fun – reading my books – taking the time that I require, and need – and not judge myself if I don’t happen to read everything, or I miss some points

I commit myself to not anymore fight against time, and to not anymore try to save time – and make sure that I don’t loose time – but I instead remain with myself here IN TIME in fact – walking with and as time as each breath here – being fully aware here – then I don’t require to save time – because I live within and as the actual movement of time here

When and as I see I go into worrisome thoughts of me thinking that I am loosing time, and that I am not utilizing time effectively, and that I am not going to become as successful in this world because I am not able to handle time as effectively as I want to do – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – time is only lost when I am not HERE – because when I am not here I am in my mind in my mind there is no time – it’s timeless – simply because there is no reference, and no relationship existent in the mind to this physical reality and the movement of it – which is time; as such I commit myself to get myself out of my mind and back into the physical – seeing that being aware and fully here in a breath – that is me living time – and within doing that I am not able to loose time

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One thought on “Day 25: Test-anxiety – My Plan is Falling Apart! (Part 14)

  1. Pingback: Dag 241: Kroppen Min – Arbetarhänder (Del 28) | Viktor Persson

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