Okay – it’s now one day left until I am about to write my test – and today some nervousness have come up within me – and I find that this nervousness stems from a disbelief in myself – a sort of doubt that comes up where thoughts arise as questions: “what if you’re going to forget that?” – “what if a question you do not know is going to come?”
On top of this I’ve noticed a form of self-judgment – thoughts of the nature as: “you never do well under pressure” – “you know that you’re going to fail anyway” – “it’s too hard for you – you won’t make it!” – though this is not really self-judgment it’s more of a way that I prepare myself for eventual failure, wherein I set myself within myself for the worst so that I will be able to “take the hit” when it comes.
I’ve found it interesting to write about this point – because what I’ve seen is that this type of nervousness, and fear – it completely separates me from the whole, and from the rest of this existence – I mean – when I exist in this state of petrification – do I care, or consider anyone else but myself and my life? My self-interest? No – there is only me that exist and the experience that I am having.
Within this I’ve also considered how many human-beings that face the same type of situation in every moment – how many face the same point of nervousness, fear, and anxiety – but their worry is in relation to their life, and their future – and their self-interest – and as such – we all are isolated into our own bubbles of self-interest where we only see what’s important to ourselves and miss to consider that there is an entire world here with millions of beings – that are being disregarded, and shunned – when we only care for ourselves.
Another aspect that I’ve found interesting to consider is time – and I’ve looked here at the point of human-history – and how through out the ages billions upon billions of people have been in the same position that I am in today – at the point of a test, or a challenge – something that will in a way determine one’s future – and all of these human-beings have existed in the same fear, petrification and nervousness – and even though they might’ve managed to succeed – still time got to them and today their efforts, and their success is nothing but memories, or simply have forever been forgotten – slowly broken down by the tooth of time.
So – it’s interesting – when placing my fear, nervous, and anxiety in this existential perspective – it’s really meaningless, and fear, nervous, and anxiety is completely pointless – instead – what is of worth, and what is of importance – it’s the points that are eternal – and that will stand the test of time – and that won’t decay and become but a memory – and that eternal point is life. And life is not mine alone to claim – LIFE is here as everyone, and everything – thus making a contribution that is going to stand the test of time – is a contribution that is equally applicable and useful for all beings that exist in this world – it’s movement, and decision that is not festered with self-interest – but that is a practical support that will be able to be utilized by beings into eternity – that is a point that is not a memory – it’s real living statement.
And what of myself is it that stands with this eternal point? Well – it’s my presence – my WHO I AM – that is something I will be able to take with me – and spread as an example – and within this have real effect – showing what it means to live – showing common sense – and influencing this world to become a heaven – as such not wanting to have a memory of myself to remain in the minds of men – but instead leaving a world behind that have no flaws – and as such each human being that comes here will be able to live a life of fulfillment – that is a real life contribution – and something that I walk within applying myself in my DIP courses, spreading the Desteni message, and showing how a new world can be created through implementing a equal money system.
Thus – a word that I see I must live is perspective – being able to see my life, and my position in this world not from the perspective of self-interest – but from the perspective of life – as seeing that my life is only important, and valuable – when it is that I honor life – and stand equal and one to and as life – as all and everyone – because then I stand by something that is real, eternal, and substantial – and not by a memory – as self-interest.
What I must do to get to this point of standing objective – and not seeing myself as more valuable than another – is to remove all of the emotional garbage that I’ve created through my years of living on this earth – as it only serves to blind me from seeing the truth of what is here – that my life is equally important, and valuable as everyone else’s – and that I have no right to think of myself as being more important – and make decision that dishonor and compromise the whole.
Each and every thought is a wall that contains me from seeing the true nature of life and living – and each thought is a lie that proposes that only what goes on in my head, in my life, in my immediate surroundings, is important – while really – there is SO MUCH MORE than my thoughts, and my experiences – and my so called “life” – and it’s this real world that I decide to enter and become a part of – and that I am going to do through walking my journey to life process for the next seven years – and bring myself back to nothingness where there is no self-importance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with my life and loose my perspective, in thinking and believing that only my life – my experiences – my challenges – my dreams – my hopes – are valuable and that I deserve to live out my life as I please and not care about anything, or anyone else – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this way of looking at myself – and looking at my world is the way of self-interest – and it’s through this type of living that this world has become what it is today – a desolate world where war, and destruction rules – because people are competing to win – instead of living what is best for all – and giving to another as they’d like to receive themselves
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how it takes courage, and it takes dedication, and discipline to let go of self-interest – as it is everything that I’ve become – I mean before I found desteni there wasn’t even a thought about considering the whole – I even regarded is as impossible, and preposterous to live in such a way – and as such when I stand here and apply myself in changing my living-perspective – I am accordingly facing resistances, and difficulties – because I am in-fact changing the very constitution of my beingness – and developing a completely new way of living – creating a new program code that haven’t ever been invented, or even known to have existed before; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that any point of experience, any point of thought, any point of movement within – is it’s essence self-interest and only serves to separate me from the whole
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how meaningless it is to fear, and experience anxiety towards my test tomorrow – and how in the end – what results I will achieve on this test will mean nothing – because it will be evaporated, and removed in the tides of time – and that what will mean something – what will be of value – is WHO I AM within taking this test – because that WHO I AM is something that remains with me – the grade I receive – that will disappear – yet – the WHO I AM – that will remain – thus walking my test in stability – walking my test in dedication – walking my studies as commitment – doing my test here applying myself within and as the word of concentration, focus, and determination – that are points that will stand the test of time as they are with me – as me – and as such is not only a memory that will disappear at death
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my perspective – from developing memories – to instead developing myself – to changing my starting point of walking in this world – from walking to acquire, and win – and achieve external points of success – to instead walk each point that I face within and as self-success – meaning to utilize the points that open in my world and reality in order to develop, and create myself as words – for example with studying for this test – the words I’ve applied as myself have been discipline – consideration – patience – commitment – diligence – effort – will-power – and that I’ve as such used this point in order to enhance, and develop my relationship with myself – which is how I should walk all points that emerge in my world – and as such stop focusing on how others see me, and grade me – and instead give attention focus unto WHO I AM
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it’s not worth it to go into nervousness, and anxiety in relation to do my tests – because – I’ve prepared myself to the best of my ability – I’ve everything I could with the resources at my disposal – and I’ve really pushed myself to learn, integrate, and understand the course-information – my work is as such complete and who I am within my work have been satisfactory – thus the test is merely the end of this particular point and it’s not the important point – because I’ve already walked the important point – which has been my preparation for the test – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relax – breathe – and simply let go of fear – in seeing that now the preparation is complete – and what is left is simply going to my exams and doing it – and applying the information – and that this won’t go better if I fear – because the practical preparation is already completed
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that – in a way – my fate is already decided in relation to my exam, and in relation to what grade I will receive; and this fate I’ve myself created as me studying for this test – as such the grade of my exam is merely the consequence of my application – as such I am to go to the exams and simply share my accumulated time – as time I’ve spent studying – and show to the school that I’ve studied the information – and integrated the information – and that my ability to share this integrated information will not become more if I go into fear – I mean fear won’t change what is here as how I’ve studied and how I’ve integrated the information – everything is already set and it’s now to simply walk into the point – and take the point to it’s completion
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that thinking that the final test is a epitome – and “the most important point” in a course – is a faulty assumption – because one’s ability to achieve at the test will be equal to how much effort, and dedication one have put into studying – and walking the course – and accumulated information – and as such the test is not a epitome – but merely another point in the process of integrating, and accumulating the information – as such there is no reason to fear a test – thinking that fear will in anyway change the outcome of one’s ability doing the test – because that is already – by oneself – pre-determined, and pre-decided – that is how the physical function as a reality of consequence
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let myself do the test when I do the test – and when I do not do the test – not have test in anyway exist within me as a fear, projection, or a experience – but simply walk HERE – and participate with what is physically here in every breath – as such being HERE in this breath writing this blog – not having a single thought, or consideration towards the test I will do at the more – obviously knowing that I will do the test at a particular time – having it in my awareness so to speak – yet not in anyway allowing that knowledge to destabilize me – and have my change my breath-by-breath physical movement here – but that I remain the same – remain constant – remain here – and I walk in every moment being the same regardless of what points I am to walk through in the future
When and as I see that I go into fear, anxiety, and nervousness in relation to doing my test – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear won’t enhance my memory, and my ability to complete the test – as such my performance is already pre-decided by my study-application before the test – and as such – how the test will go will in a way simply be a consequence of my day-to-day living as how I’ve walked the course up to this point of doing the test – and how well, and how effectively I’ve been able to integrate the information; as such I commit myself to stop fear – and simply walk the physical act of writing the test – of getting it done – forgiving thought coming up – and simply being physical here – realizing that being physical is superior as everything is simply HERE with no fear – as such doing the test – will be like me getting up in the morning – a practical point of movement here – nothing more, and nothing less
When and as I see that I am giving more value to doing this test, and to this particular point achieving in my exam – than other points of world, and my reality – than other parts of my life, and living – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that no one point is more important than another in terms of seeing my life as a whole – because my life is multi-dimensional and my functionality within my life is dependent upon me being present, aware, and directive – effective – in all parts of my life – and as such it’s completely ludicrous to give attention, and focus to only one point and disregard everything that is here; as such I commit myself to be HERE as breath in every moment – which is the practical application of giving all moments in my life equal attention – and equal value – not seeing one moment, as more or less than another moment
When and as I see that I am going into fear, anxiety, and nervousness in relation to doing my test – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I accept and allow myself to expand my perspective – to see this test that I am doing from a greater, and existential perspective – in seeing how much value I am giving to this point and that it’s really completely unrealistic – and completely stupid – because within doing that – there is SO MUCH that I am missing here; as such I commit myself to be HERE in every moment – HERE in every moment – remaining with existence – as all that is here – not going into my personal mind space as my own thoughts, and experiences – but remaining with the physical – which is the point where everything exists – here
I commit myself to as a practical application to stop fear, nervous, and anxiety – practice breathing deeply in and out – practice observing, and being aware of my direct environment – seeing that there are more life’s than mine – seeing that there is more going on in existence than me doing this test – and that this test is not everything as my mind would like it to seem – because there is so much more here going on in every moment – but I require to open my eyes, and be present to actually see and recognize
I commit myself to dare to let go of self-interest – walking this practically through being here as breath – which is a point of no self-interest – as only this moment exist – as a moment wherein there is not personal self – but only self-expression – one and equal – as a movement with and as the whole – and not as a personal experience of energy trying to move in separation, and conflict with the whole; as such commit myself to practice moving myself with and as the whole here – wherein I stand and walk as a extension of life as the natural flow – and movement – of the moment