Day 32: I Am Really Good – Just Not This Time!

I am continuing on the subject of nervousness in relation to school. After the last time I wrote here I’ve done my exams, and within doing that I went into lots of nervousness – despite the fact that I’ve worked so rigorously with the point. Within this I realized that I am not yet getting to the origin point – the problem so to speak – and that I’ve yet to find the dysfunction within me that creates this pattern of nervousness.

Thus – I’ve in order to familiarize myself more with nervousness as an experience bought some interviews from Eqafe that are giving a perspective on nervousness, and also suggesting a step-by-step solution as how to transcend and move through nervousness.

Now – in these interviews the nervousness that is being expanded upon, and explained is in relation to talking to lot’s of people – standing before a crowd – the nervousness I experience comes up in a different setting yet the symbolism of the events are the same. Because when I sit and write my exam I face the same point of a evaluating crowd – because the exam I write will be reviewed by professors, and it will gain me a particular mark – and this will then possibly be seen by future employees, my family, and so on – thus – I am not just writing a test but I am actually indirectly standing before the unknown as that which I am not able to calculate, and control – just as with standing before a crowd.

Thus – I will utilize the same step-by-step method in order to take apart my nervousness here as is suggested in relation to nervousness that comes up when facing crowds.

Unfortunately I can’t reveal the exact nature of the step-by-step nature – as it’s a product that is sold at the eqafe store – thus if you want to find out exactly how to do this that I am going to do in the coming blogs, you’ll have to purchase the interviews for yourself. What I am going to share here is the self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, and the self-writing – but I am not going to go into detail as to the nature of the method that I am working by.

Still – anyone reading this and that are struggling with nervousness of a similar nature can utilize these writings as a support structure, and then if you want to further your understanding, and application of yourself in relation to this point – I suggest to you invest in these interviews:

https://eqafe.com/p/deconstructing-nervousness-atlanteans-part-89
https://eqafe.com/p/overcoming-nervousness-atlanteans-part-90
https://eqafe.com/p/overcoming-nervousness-part-2-atlanteans-part-91
https://eqafe.com/p/sounding-self-forgiveness-for-nervousness-atlanteans-part-92
https://eqafe.com/p/finalising-nervousness-support-atlanteans-part-93

Self-writing

I am going to begin with opening up how it is that I see myself before I make an exam – what is it that I think of myself? And it’s fascinating – because I see that I have a positive excitement experience towards the prospect of writing my exams; I will have thoughts of the nature such as “yeah! I know I am good at writing exams!” – “This time I will be much more calm, and relaxed than the last time!” – “If I just study enough for this exam everything will go smoothly!” – “I am smart, so I know that nothing can go wrong really!”.

So – what I am doing here is that I am creating a positive self-image of myself in relation to my test – that fascinatingly enough – isn’t real – which results in me becoming disappointed with myself, and feeling like a failure – when it is that I sit down to do my exams and up comes lot’s of nervousness, and anxiety. The first thing I got to do is as such to remove all these positive ideas I have of myself – because they are really just that – ideas and not a real living statement as who I am.

Self-forgiveness

children examI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive idea of myself in relation to me doing my exams – wherein I imagine within me that I have an easy time doing exams, that I usually tend to be cool, and calm – and that I tend to be effective in writing my exams – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the reality of how I experience myself – which is that I tend to become very nervous, I tend to doubt myself, and I tend to fear what might, or might not happen when it is that I sit down to write my exams

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself in seeing, realizing, and understanding that I tend to hold unto fear of the unknown, and fear of failure to a large extent – and that as such – my experience with writing my exams are really uncomfortable, and not very pleasurable, or calm at all – a complete contradiction to who I believe myself to be in my mind – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remove and form of positive experience, and idea of myself in relation to writing my exams – and as such instead work with what is real – and how I actually experience myself in writing my tests

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine within myself before writing a test – that everything will go great, and within this feel a slight tinge of superiority – as feeling that “hey! I am awesome at writing exams – this will be fun!” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this positive – energy – accumulation in relation to writing my test isn’t real – but is a mechanism of suppression that I utilize in order to not have to face the real me – as the real experience of myself within and as me writing my exams

Self-commitments

When it is that I go into and as a experience of excitement, superiority, and positive projection towards the future as writing my exams – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this positive experience that I am having in relation to writing my exams – it isn’t real – but merely a suppression mechanism that I use so that I won’t have to face, and deal with the real experience of me while writing my exams – which is fear, and nervousness; as such I commit myself to breath and to not create any idea of myself – to not picture myself in my mind as being good at writing my test – but instead stay with the physical – stay here – and not go into energy as excitement, or superiority

When it is that I see I am becoming disappointed with myself when I write my exams, because I’ve become nervous, and filled with anxiety, even though I imagined myself within my mind that I wouldn’t experience myself in this way – and that I instead would be stable, calm, and easily write my exams – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is nothing to become disappointed in – because my initial dreams of myself weren’t even real but based upon illusion as participating in the mind reality instead of living here; as such I commit myself to bring me back to what is actually here as me in the moment – and not have any expectations, and ideas of myself that I can’t cross-reference and confirm to be real in the physical – in this moment here

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Self-imageWikipedia: A person’s self-image is the mental picture, generally of a kind that is quite resistant to change, that depicts not only details that are potentially available to objective investigation by others (height, weight, hair color, gender, I.Q. score, etc.), but also items that have been learned by that person about himself or herself, either from personal experiences or by internalizing the judgments of others.

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5 thoughts on “Day 32: I Am Really Good – Just Not This Time!

  1. Pingback: Day 33: Nervousness Dissected | Viktor Persson

  2. Pingback: Falling in Love as the Meaning of Life: (Relationship Paranoia Pt. 4): DAY 213 | Anna's Journey to Life

  3. Pingback: My Own Private Maze of Horrors - Suppressing Emotions (Pt.1): DAY 216 | Anna's Journey to Life

  4. Pingback: Day 40: Continuing With Nervousness | Viktor Persson

  5. Pingback: Day 120: Communication and Awareness | Viktor Persson

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