Day 41: What? This Is Not How I Should Experience Myself!

A reaction that I’ve noticed – and that bothers me – is that I go into fear, and anxiety when it is that I enter into a new situation where there are people.

For example – every morning I’ve experienced the same point manifesting. I will arrive at the office, and as I begin to walk into the building I am able to notice the thoughts come up within me such as “I wonder who will be there today?” – “How should I behave?” – “Should I greet my colleagues or not?” – “I hope I won’t get afraid”. Within this backchat I start to notice a fear building up within me – and that is when I enter self-positive talk mode – wherein I will say to myself – stuff like: “I am not afraid!” – “Why can’t I just stop being afraid?” – “Man I get afraid like this every morning!” – “I will just walk in there and not be afraid at all – yes – that’s what I will do!”

But within me having this backchat – what occurs is that the fear is increasing, and then as I enter the office and meet my colleagues I exist within quite a prominent experience of fear, and anxiety – that makes me in-effective, less social and talkative, and more held-back than what I am usually.

expectationThis social-anxiety point is one of my primary weaknesses – and a reason that it’s still here is because I don’t like admitting to myself that this is how I experience myself – instead I like to think of myself as already being past these type of experiences, and see myself as a confident person with much self-esteem; fascinating that I within not wanting to recognize to myself what I really experience in-fact cement that experience of myself as real – because I refuse to deal with it – work with it – find the cause for the experience – and correct myself.

The first step is thus to recognize for myself what it is that I experience, and get back to humility – get back to reality – and to also understand that having reactions is nothing bad – experiencing myself anxious around people is nothing negative – it’s simply what it is – a particular system-construct that I’ve created, and manifested as myself due to repetition – and obviously due to an ineffective education as I grew up – where I learned to honor fear, instead of self-honest self-expression.

Thus – today I will walk self-forgiveness on the idea that I want to hold unto of myself – as how I’d like to believe that I am as a person – which isn’t actually the reality of how I live, and experience myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of idealism within myself – wherein I idealize myself – and think that I am strong, that I am confident, and that I am fearless – within this creating an idea of myself as how I’d like myself to be – not wanting to recognize the real experience of myself in my day-to-day living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the real experience of me as social anxiety, and fear – when I meet new people – as being a weakness – and a point of inferiority – and judge this point as being a mark of shame; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am within judging my experience of myself as fear – in-fact not accepting and allowing myself to stand up within a point within myself of being able to deal with this experience – to recognize it and work with it utilizing self-forgiveness, self-commitments, and writing – because I mean – I do have the tools to deal with the experience – why then continue to lie to myself, and hide the real truth of myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to explore this fear in specificity – meaning – to in detail investigate exactly when, how, why, and what – that triggers this fear – and what thoughts arise in my mind – and also what memories I still hold unto as a fuel for this particular character that I’ve created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain humble within myself in walking my process – in allowing myself to see without judgment, comparison, or idealization what I exist as within me – and as such enable myself to work with the problems that I still have – and experience; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that – having reactions is nothing bad – it’s nothing wrong – it’s merely what it is and as such nothing but a point within me that requires attention, that requires work, and that requires discipline in order to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to be weak – meaning – to allow myself to closely observe my weaknesses as the points where I still react, and still go into experiences – within this allowing myself to intimately explore the detail of myself as the organic robotic program that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live self-intimacy – which is self- into me I see – allowing myself to see everything that goes on within me without a bias, without a want, or a desire – but simply seeing objectively what’s going on – and from that starting point standing up within me – and correcting myself to live, and apply what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create positive ideas of myself as who I think I am – creating an idea of myself that I am confident, that I am fearless, that I am stable, that I am certain – within this cementing an idea of myself as “already being done” – instead of being brutally self-honest with myself – and seeing who, and what I live as – seeing that I am not perfect – and that I do still have reactions – but understanding that this is nothing bad, or wrong – it’s nothing to be avoided, or feared – it’s simply what is here – and as such I accept and allow myself to embrace what is here – and work with what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that unless I accept and allow myself to see how I experience myself – I will not be able to change myself – because I will not deal with, and walk with reality – as what is actually here – what is actually happening – what is actually my true nature; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to look within without fear – to look within without judgment – to look at myself and observe myself – and become a self-scientist – wherein I without bias explore myself, and my inner-workings – so that I am able to understand myself – and correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to begin a new in every moment of breath – and not hold unto any idea of “who I am” from the past breath – as such accepting and allowing myself to stat afresh in every moment – and thus being able to see what is here without any judgment, or fear – simply observing myself and within that creating a foundation for me on which I am able to stand – and direct myself into and as correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a positive idea of myself as being assertive – as being fearless – and generate this positive idea of myself through imagining myself talking to people in my head with a assertive, and strong voice – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when and as I notice that I react in a way that is opposite to the way I’ve imagined myself being in my mind – thinking, believing and perceiving that I am doing something wrong because I am not experiencing myself as I thought I would in my mind; instead of realizing, seeing, and understanding that my mind reality does not show what is real – and thus only because I imagine myself being assertive, confident, and strong – doesn’t mean that this is what I in-fact stand as – live as – in physical actual expression here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how my positive idea of myself in my mind is in-fact responsible for creating my reaction towards the negative side of myself as the “real me” – because I within participating in the positive create a conflict relationship with myself – where I try to change myself through judgment, and anger – wherein I react to the negative real me – through thinking that this negative real me shouldn’t be here because I’ve imagined another positive me in my mind; instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding how both of these points are illusion – but how the positive point of me is more illusion than the negative – and that I am within participating in the positive point of myself only strengthening and charging the negative reactions I experience within me when I face new people – because conflict is the breeding ground of energy – as reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of any and all positive reactions towards myself in my mind – to as such allow myself to become a blank slate so to speak – wherein I am able to observe the real me as I exist without any reaction – or experience – I simply see me for what I am with no agenda to change how I see me – I mean – in a way – that is inner propaganda – as trying to change the actual truth of me into a truth that I like and feel good about – not realizing that I am within that only covering up the problems and not allowing myself to work with, and deal with reality

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am idealizing myself – and creating a positive idea of myself in my mind, that I am strong, assertive, self-confident, and fearless around people – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is the illusion – this is the positive idea of myself that is not real through which I generate and charge, and cover up the negative and real aspects of myself; as such I commit myself to stop this positive seeing of myself – and instead see myself for real – seeing myself without a bias – without a experience – without a definition – simply seeing who I am, and who I’ve become without judgment

When and as I see that I am judging a negative experience of myself that I am having, as for example fear, or anxiety when I meet new people – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this judgment of myself is not real – because what I experience as me is merely what it is – it’s a reaction – it’s a character – but it’s nothing bad, or wrong – such as my judgment suggests; as such I commit myself to see myself without judgment – simply seeing what I’ve become without reacting – allowing myself to be self-intimate – see into me – and understand myself – and see myself – and from within that be able to stand up within me and correct myself

When and as I see that I am reacting in judgment towards what I experience as fear, and social anxiety – and I think that “I shouldn’t experience myself this way” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this type of thinking doesn’t lead me to a solution – I mean only because I think that I shouldn’t feel in a particular way – doesn’t stop me from actually feeling that way – it merely adds another dimension of reaction to the point which is completely unnecessary; as such I commit myself to stop judging myself – to stop having any preconceived ideas, and hopes about myself – and simply deal with – get to know – and be intimate with who I am, and who I’ve become

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ConfidenceWikipedia: Confidence is generally described as a state of being certain either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective.

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4 thoughts on “Day 41: What? This Is Not How I Should Experience Myself!

  1. Pingback: Day 42: Eternal Damnation | Viktor Persson

  2. Pingback: The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants - (Relationship Paranoia Pt.8) - DAY 219 | Anna's Journey to Life

  3. Pingback: Day 46: Grades, and Marks | Viktor Persson

  4. Pingback: The Mind's Sourdough Effect: DAY 225 | Anna's Journey to Life

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