Day 42: Eternal Damnation

Today I’ve been listening to a interview series on self-judgment that can be found on eqafe – check here – and because of that I am going to dedicate this post to exploring this particular point of self-judgment.

judgementNow – as I listened to the interview, my initial thought was that “hey – I don’t have any self-judgment! I am past this point!” – so it was cool when later in the interview series this particular reaction/experience towards the point was explained as being but a defense mechanism – and within this it was suggested to look more closely at one’s inner reality in relation to self-judgment – to allow oneself to see that there is in-fact self-judgment going on in there.

So, in this blog I will look at the various point’s of self-judgment that I’ve seen – and now – since I listened to the interview I’ve been able to pin-point particular movements within that are of a judgmental/bully/abuse-nature – wherein I do become violent towards myself in the form of words/experience/inner movement.

What I’ve seen is that most of my judgment is related to past moments – because many times through-out my day some memory will come up within me of a past situation wherein I will feel that I acted like “an idiot” in that situation – and that I could’ve done it so much more effectively – and that I didn’t have to act the way I did back then – and so this is a point of self-judgment.

Further – I’ve seen that there is lot’s of self-judgment in relation to my work, and my studies – here I’ve noticed that I am very particular in relation to what type of results that I expect myself to achieve. For example – when I make a mistake in my work I will go into a state of judgment – and think – “man, why did I do that?” – “how could I miss that simple point?” – “I got to be more aware, and precise, this can’t continue!” – and this same point also occurs with my studies – wherein I will be disappointed, and hard towards myself when I do not achieve the highest mark – and I will think “What? How could I fail – Am I stupid or something?” – “I studied so much and still it went like this – fuck – I am useless”.

Another point that I judge is about my character – I have a tendency of becoming nervous around particular women, and guys – particularly young, handsome, and what I term to be “popular” youngsters – when I have an interaction with these people often nervousness will occur, and when this happen I go into judgment – thinking – “oh my god, it’s so embarrassing that I become nervous!” – “Why does this happen to me! Why can’t I just be calm, and stable like everyone else?”

The same type of point comes up when I face conflict – because I tend to go into nervousness in those situations as well – and instead of supporting myself I go into judgment – “Why do I always react so much to conflict? My god! I should be past this point by now!”

So, much of my judgments originate from comparisons – because there is always some type of expectation involved as to what I “should be” – that I am not able to be – and then because I can’t be what I feel that I should be, I judge myself.

If I hadn’t had a reference within me as other people that I’ve seen through-out my life – I wouldn’t have had a concept of seeing my reactions as being bad, or my mark at a test as being inferior, or my mistakes at work as being faulty – it would’ve simply been me going through life facing particular situations, and occurrences – nothing bad, or wrong – simply “what is going on”.

Thus – the simple realization that is to be made is that self-judgment is really not cool – and it’s not something benefits me – it in-fact only serves to break me down, and to by each thought of self-judgment that arise within me – become less, and less – so really – it’s time to stop this particular point and allow myself to walk my life without having myself screaming at myself from inside of myself, saying to myself that I should do various things better than what I currently do.

I mean – it’s time that I accept and allow myself to be gentle with myself, and to practice living such gentleness – which I will do through breathing – through aligning myself with the consistency, and slow movement of a breath – a breath in, and a breath out – that is what I will practice – and at the same time also practice that – when this type of thoughts arise within me – to then stop being an observer within me, and actually act to change the inner nature of me – through not allowing these thoughts to play out – but that I instead direct me and make sure that I don’t accept and allow any form of bullying within me – because it’s simply not acceptable at all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through comparison with others create judgment within me – a character of bullying, and abusing myself through words, and experiences – wherein I constantly feel that I am not doing enough, that I am not good enough, and that I am worthless – and thinking that this apparently justifies me bullying, and abusing myself; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up within me – and understand that life could be really fucking enjoyable – even on this fucked up earth – when I allow myself to stop fighting myself and instead focus on living – expressing myself – and moving myself on a breath per breath basis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I make mistakes when I work, or when I make mistakes, and fail achieving a good grade in my studies – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted, and allowed myself to become possessed with comparison – as thinking that I must be the best, and I must be that person that is able to walk all points in life effortlessly, and have a complete success in all points – with no form of failure – wherein all points go smoothly – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not achieving my mental ideal of how I should be instead of realizing that this mental idea of who I should be isn’t even real – so I am judging for not being something that isn’t real – isn’t that really the epitome of paranoia?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that self-judgment is paranoia – because self-judgment is based upon expectations of what, and how self should be and not upon actual physical reality – I mean – it’s fascinating that I go into self-judgment when I make a mistake in relation to my work, or my studies – instead of going into looking for solutions – finding out what the problem is – finding out how it is that I fail and then within that implementing a effective solution so that I correct the reality equation to play out in a way that have beneficial results

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop comparing myself with others – and understand that comparing myself with others is useless unless I utilize comparison to create solutions for myself – but if comparison is merely done from a starting point of giving myself points within myself – as thinking that I am either good, or bad – I mean then it’s useless – because it won’t assist to become more effective in my life – and actually correct, and align my daily living, and participation to what is best for all – which should obviously be the primary point of my life – to establish myself as my fullest living potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create judge myself when and as I become nervous with females, or males that are young, handsome, and seem popular – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation of myself – that I should be stable, and I should be calm – and there shouldn’t be any form of movement within me – and I should be able to direct myself, and move myself in my daily living without any reaction – because others seemingly are able to do that – thus I am bad if I don’t; instead of allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I mean – I am me – I am not others – thus why even compare myself to others? And why think that I am bad just because I react in another way than what others do? And also – why not instead of judging for not being as stable as I perceive others to be – utilize others as a practical example – and use comparison constructively to support myself in my expression to stabilize myself – and make myself less reactive in these particular situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to self-judgment, and to believe that I need self-judgment, and that without self-judgment I would loose myself, and there wouldn’t be anything left of me so to speak – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I’ve become addicted to my biggest enemy so to speak – which is my accept and allowed nature – as a nature that doesn’t support me, that doesn’t assist me, and that doesn’t nourish; as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to commit myself to stop this addiction – and commence on the journey of removing this particular character, and way of living as self-judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others, and think that I should be able to present myself as stable, as sound, as confident, and as strong around others – and to think that unless I am able to achieve this I am inferior – and I am bad; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not BREATH – and to be gentle with myself – and stop abusing myself through speaking down to myself in thinking that I am not good enough – I am not useful enough – and I apparently deserve to judge myself, I apparently deserve to be hated, and abused by myself; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up within myself and state – that I deserve to love myself, accept myself – be gentle with myself – and most of all respect myself – I deserve self-respect

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into a state of self-judgment, as abusing, and bullying myself through words, experience, and inner movement – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this bullying is destroying me – and that I am pushing myself down, and wreaking havoc unto myself – as such I commit myself to stop – and practice breath – and practice being gentle with myself – practice caring for myself – and practice living, and developing self-respect – as not accepting and allowing myself to in anyway judge, abuse, or bully myself

When and as I see that I go into, and I react within and as self-judgment – because I feel that I deserve this, because I’ve made a mistake in studies, or my work – and I feel that I shouldn’t have done that – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this point of me thinking that I deserve to judge myself – I mean it’s bullshit and it’s merely an excuse for me to not actually change and stop myself – and respect myself; as such I commit myself to stop judging myself and instead look for solutions – to go to establishing a solution instead of thinking that I deserve to judge myself

When and as I see that I am judging myself, abusing, or bullying myself – because I am reacting in nervousness, fear, anxiety, or become emotionally unstable around young, handsome, and seemingly popular people – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this particular judgment of mine is based on comparison – thinking that I should look, behave, and experience myself as others, and unless I do so – I am apparently bad; and within this I see that I’ve not allowed myself to be gentle with myself – and respect myself – and as such not judge myself; so I commit myself to not judge my experiences – and to stop comparison myself with others from a perspective of judgment, and self-hatred – and I instead commit myself to respect, and walk with myself – and practice living gentleness – and self-acceptance

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4 thoughts on “Day 42: Eternal Damnation

  1. Pingback: Dag 258: Förräderi! | Viktor Persson

  2. Pingback: Day 43: My Top Secret Relationship With Razors | Viktor Persson

  3. Pingback: Day 46: Grades, and Marks | Viktor Persson

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