Today I had a cool, and very direct view on the nature of self-judgment as a cultural installment – that have been brainwashed into me to become my living (or dead?) character – and this particular point opened up while shopping for razors.
Now – in the country of my origins it’s commonly accepted that when males buy a razor this should be used for their beard, and their beard only – only women are supposed to shave their legs, armpits, and private areas – and if a male happens to do this – well – that’s just gay – apparently; now obviously their might different cultural ideas within my country as well, but my particular pre-programming tends to believe that this point of a male shaving some other part of their body than their beard – that is gay.
Okay – so – as I entered the shop I had selected for myself a purpose of venturing to the hygienic department in order to get myself a couple of good razors – and my intention with these razors was not to shave the normally accepted parts of the human physical body according to my pre-installed programming; my plan was to shave the “bad”, and “wrong” parts of the body – lol.
So, as I arrived at the department I noticed that it was gotdamn big – thus I required assistance – and conveniently a store clergy asked me what it was that I was looking for – I experienced a small burst of fear – thinking: “shit will I have tell him what sort it should be?!” – Outwardly I looked calm, and said with a stable voice – “I want razors” – lol – and I could breath out for a moment as I’d effectively covered up the real intention of my mission in the store, and the clergy was now unknowingly helping me to commit my atrocious cultural crime of buying razors not for the purpose of shaving my head – I felt like an evil genius.
My happiness lasted only for a brief moment – because the clergy turned towards me, almost as if he’d sensed my immoral intentions – and asked: “So, you are going to shave your beard with these, or some other body part” – lol – a moment of panic emerged within me – “my god – what should I say now?” – I said calmly yet again – making sure to not reveal my hideous plans: “To shave my beard”
lol – so in that moment I sort of asked myself – “what the fuck am I doing?” – I was like: “He’s not even going to remember me when he get’s home to work, and here I am compromising myself, and acting all foolishly – not being clear, and direct, because I fear what others are going to think of me” – so – that’s when I realized the control that this particular cultural limitation exercised over me; and because of that I’ve now decided to deal with it.
I mean – really – this point is so ridiculous – a point like this could be valid if I was walking around in the store with my boss, that I understood had a very masculine cultural belief, and as such detested all males that in anyway tried something that could be perceived as feminine – I mean – then it would be common sense to shut up about why it is that I am buying these particular razors – but I mean – this store clergy can’t affect my practical living at all – he’s just there to help me and probably doesn’t even care whether I use the razors to cut my wrists, or shave my cat – lol.
So – what can be concluded is that these gotdamn cultural ideas are so fucking limited, and they are being driven by embarrassment – and wanting to fit in; really – to fit in is obviously so boring that’s more a death-sentence than anything else – so that’s why I decide that I am not yet ready to die, and that I’d like to be able to go to the store, and be direct with the store clergy about what kind of razors that I need, and what purpose these razors should be designed to deal with – common sense!
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed, and afraid of telling another, that I am going to use razors in order to shave my private parts, or my armpits, or my legs, or my breasts – thinking and believing that it’s “gay” and it’s “embarrassing” and “not accepted” to shave these parts – and that I must uphold a acceptable image to the world, and make sure that everyone thinks I am completely normal – and just like everyone else – so that I won’t ever have any form of critique directed towards me – anyone laughing at me – or teasing me; and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that I am compromising myself in wanting to fit in – and that obviously common sense is to not give a damn about this point of fitting in unless it’s for a practical common sense reason – but if it’s only because I want to FEEL safe, and FEEL like I am fitting in – I mean then it’s useless – and I compromise my practical daily living in order to have completely illusory momentary experience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid, and embarrassed of walking into a shop and asking the shop clergy for any sort of product that is related to sex, sexuality, private body parts, or lust – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide these parts of myself – and present myself as if I am a completely devout Christian – in that I don’t participate in sex – and I don’t ever touch, or interact with any of my “bad” body parts – so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this fear of showing, and presenting myself as having sexual intentions – in thinking that sexuality, and sex is something bad – and wrong – that should be done in secret, hidden, and stowed away somewhere where nobody is able to know about it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that it’s stupid that I have this experience towards sex, and sexuality – because I mean – everyone have sex – it’s not like I am alone in the world to have sex, or be sexual – and it’s not like I am the only male in the world that has ever thought about shaving areas of the body that is not the beard-area – I mean – it’s not really that big of a deal – it’s just that I’ve been programmed to have a relationship towards any form of point that is in relation to a body part that is connected to sexuality – that is founded upon shame, and embarrassment; and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up from this relationship within me, and allow myself to be free in expressing my sexuality – meaning that I don’t connect sex, and sexuality to shame, and embarrassment – but that I allow myself to walk, and participate in these points without fear; obviously not going to a point of being promiscuous – I mean – being disciplined, and principled in relation to sex, and sexuality is extremely important – that point I want to get at here – is that when actually interacting with any point that is sexually related – to then do so fully and not half-assed – hiding oneself in an experience of shame, and embarrassment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself to fit in – to as such create a censoring machine that is in my mind – that I use before I speak – so I always think about whether what I am to say is acceptable, or not – before I speak – within this fear that if I don’t have this censoring machine – that I am going not fit in – and that I am going to say things that others find stupid, ridiculous, and morally unacceptable; so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide, and compromise myself and my daily living – through wanting to fit in and be normal; not realizing that the consequence of this particular behavior, and way of living is that living will become extremely boring – and obviously I won’t ever do something that I want to do – because I’ll be to afraid of what others are going to think about it – thus living my life for others instead of living my life for me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand – that I don’t have to live my life for others, I mean – others already have their own life, so why should they have my life as well? It’s better that I take my life – and live my life – and then others take their life, and live their life’s – and as such we all are happy, and we can participate in the points that we’d like to walk – without any compromise, fear, or desire to fit in – individual beings in the true sense of the word
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that it’s my cultural inheritance to judge sexuality – and to define sexuality, and sex as something bad, and shameful – as something that you shouldn’t participate within – but leave as fast as possible – and that one should deny that one participate in at all – I mean that is apparently the way to walk sex according to my cultural programming; and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question this programming – and to see that it’s nothing wrong with the sexual organs of the physical body – it’s nothing wrong to shave hair that grows on the body, regardless of where it grows – I mean – it’s so ridiculous – it’s simply a physical act that harms nobody – and still I hold unto this idea that limits me so much; so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not create my own ideal in relation to sex, sexuality, and shaving parts of my body – in seeing that these are practical physical points and aren’t immoral, bad, or wrong – they are simply points of physical expression
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the children don’t give a damn about any cultural conventions as to what is acceptable, or not, to do with one’s human physical body – I mean they simply explore, and have fun – and that is the expression of the physical body – because there is no form actual physical badness related to playing with one’s physical body in various ways – it’s not harmful, it’s not painful – it’s physical movement; so as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to align myself to with childish innocence in relation to my physical body – and allow myself to stand in a relationship with my human physical body that is not based upon shame, embarrassment or fear
When and as I see that I become afraid of revealing to another, such as the store clergy, being direct, and clear – in order to direct my world effectively – that I am want to buy a particular product because I am to shave my body such as for example within my private areas, and under my arms – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this fear is RIDICULOUS – STUPID – UNNECESSARY – LIFE-DIMINSHING – HORRID ABOMINATION THAT SUPRESS LIFE-EXPRESSION – and within this I commit myself to ask directly for the product that I want, and to reveal the purpose that the product must be equipped and designed to handle; and as such stop this fear, embarrassment, and shame relationship to my sexuality, and my sexual organs – and allow myself to be free in this world
When and as I see that I am suppressing, and holding myself back – through speaking in such a way that I censor myself upon the basis of what I believe to be “acceptable” or “not acceptable” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this point is driven by the fear of not fitting in – within this I must ask myself – but hey – is there really a practical need for me here to fit in? For example in the store – is it essential for my survival to fit in with the other customers – I mean in the case of the store – NO – it’s completely ridiculous – nobody even cares what type of razors that I am going to buy because everyone else is to much worried to present a picture perfect exterior of themselves; I mean as such – I commit myself to get back to reality – and be direct – and stop suppressing myself and instead be direct, and clear – and obviously within this discern my environment so that I don’t compromise myself – because in certain environments it’s better to shut up and be “normal” – such as for example the office, or the work – then it’s a practical understanding that fitting in is beneficial
When and as I see that I am withholding myself from sharing, and expressing myself, because what I am to say relates to sex, sexuality, or sexual organs – and I experience a fear of being judged, or ridiculed if I share myself on some of these points – then I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this particular idea that it’s apparently shameful, and embarrassing to be sexual, or to have some sort of relationship to one’s sexual organs – is completely limited, and also unrealistic – because I mean – all human beings must have some sort of relationship with these points – it’s only that we go around and hide it because we’ve defined as somehow being “bad” and “wrong” – which is completely ridiculous; as such I commit myself to be clear, and direct – and share myself effectively in relation to these points – and not allow myself to withhold, and suppress myself due to fear, anxiety, embarrassment, and shame