Today I had quite a big reaction that came up when I was having a discussion with a customer in the taxi – and it was interesting because the way that this reaction came up reveals to me that I still desire to be understood, and I still desire to be honest so to speak.
Because – the discussion I had with the customer was a about life-choices, and I shared with the customer that I’d decided to study law because I saw that this was much more effective for me in order to make sure that I have an income in the future – and that if I instead would’ve choose the direction of my education with my heart, as what I want to do, I would’ve studied some creative subject – such as music, or arts.
In this discussion the customer now suggested to me that I should use me law-education to go into the direction of arts, and when this suggestion was given – I said that I’d given up upon my dreams – and this particular statement I made was as a form of reaction because I didn’t want to present myself as if I agreed with the customers suggestion that I should go into art. So, I mean – it was fascinating because I felt compelled to share with the customer the specific direction of my studies, and why I’d chosen to study what I studied, and why it was that I wouldn’t go into the direction of art with my law-degree.
Obviously – I could’ve made this statement to the customer without reacting, so it’s not really what I said that is important – what’s instead important is who I was within what I said; and the who I was in that moment – was that I felt simply compelled to state “my view” of the point – to make sure that I am understood, and that my “honest truth” is being shared – so in a way – I saw myself as being dependent upon the customer to validate me, and my specific direction in life – and unless I got this validation from the customer then somehow my chosen direction was flawed; so in essence – I came from a starting point of competition, and wanting to convince the customer that my way of looking at things was valid, and without flaws.
This point goes hand in hand with the statement – to be in this world, but not of this world – and what I mean by this is that; I mean – I should be able to speak casually, and use any words required in a moment without the words that I am using defines who I am; which means that when I stand clear on this point – I will be able to say to the customer that “I will do what you said, and align my direction in studies to support art” – without this in anyway creating a reaction, or experience within me – because I mean – I know who I am – I know where I am going – and the words I speak do not change who I am.
To perfect this point of being able to use words freely without any form of fake honesty coming in the way I see as being very important in order to be effective in the system – because so much of how the current system functions demands from human beings to not show their “real self” but to instead present a fake version of themselves – and this is obviously to make money, and survive in the system.
So, what I am able to see is that this particular point came up because I’ve defined the points honesty, and integrity in separation from myself – wherein I want to convince others that I have integrity, and that I have honesty – instead of me living these words as myself without being dependent upon any form of external stimuli.
And I am able to see – that throughout my life – I’ve many times compromised myself because I’ve wanted to be honest, and have integrity – and be upright with people in my world – while this approach was simply not effective because I didn’t consider that – I mean – sometimes it’s not effective to be honest, and to open yourself up to another – as to what your real intentions are – because the system, and the people within the system are simply not designed in such a way to support such a point. For example – when being caught by the police due to having committed some type of crime – I mean – obvious common sense is to deny that you did commit the crime, because unless you do, you’ll be completely compromised and thrown into a jail – which is obviously not a effective point, and it’s not a point that takes into account why you committed the crime to begin with; because – hey – maybe you were broke and you decided to steal in order to support your family – and you did it as a self-honest act – to then go into jail would mean that you can’t support your family anymore, and the system doesn’t in anyway consider your starting point as to why you decided to steal but simply instead punish you – and that is why – to be honest, and have integrity – as being a form of “stand-up” guy is really not effective.
Though – this is not to say that this point of honesty, and integrity can, and should be applied in relationships where there is effective consideration, and where being honest does not have severe and compromising consequences.
Anyway – the point I will work with here today is “defining myself according to my words” – and the need to present myself honestly to my world, and be a good human being that is open, and vulnerable – with no secrets – because standing as such a character is a point of limitation – it’s a point wherein you systematize your living expression, and instead of considering common sense – you go by a dogmatic belief; and as we all know – dogmatic beliefs do not mix well with actual physical reality – they are bound to clash, and when they do – consequences will be the price we pay.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to present myself honestly, and openly to my world – and to make sure that I always speak the truth, and that I always say exactly what my intentions are, and who I am within a particular moment – thinking that it’s “bad”, and it’s “wrong” to not be open – and to not be honest; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, my reality, my life, through wanting to present myself as being honest – to have a good feeling about myself, and to in my mind be able to think about myself that “I am really a good person, I am really honest!”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the words I speak, and to limit myself within the words that I speak – and have these ideas that I can’t speak certain words because those words are not “who I am” – and thus I can’t speak them because that would then mean that I am presenting a lie; instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s not about what I say, or what I do, but that it’s about WHO I AM – thus the key is to be stable in every moment, and direct myself within common sense practicality – thus the important point is to stand stable – and have that stability be the WHO I AM – and then use words to effectively move, and direct my world, and reality in such a way that it supports what is best for all – and that it supports an outcome that is best for all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the words I speak through thinking that the words I speak, and how I share myself in a moment – must always be “honest” and must always be revealing exactly who I am in a moment – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this is in-fact a form of self-interest – wherein I allow my desire to present myself as being honest, and have integrity – to go before directing my practical reality in such a way that is best for all; I mean – when I want, and desire a particular outcome in a moment – that is when I compromise what is best for all – and any form of rule, as a dogmatic idea of how I must be – is something that will result in me compromising what is best for all for me to fulfill me delusional idea, and experience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire to be a “good” and “honest” person – and think and believe that when I do not speak the “truth” so to speak – that I am a evil, and bad person – and that it’s simply bad to not speak the truth at all times; instead of realizing, and understanding that the principle of what is best for all have no morality – have no rules; the principle of what is best for all is a PRINCIPLE – which means that there is nothing forbidden, and nothing wrong – because the primary as to all actions, and movements are to have one and the same principle – as what is best for all – and when that point is here and it’s for example required to act in a way that is seen by society as immoral – then acting in a immoral way is what is best for all and thus the movement that I should do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that walking the principle of what is best for all doesn’t mean that I am by the definitions of our current world system – a “moral” and “good” human being – I mean – let’s face – the definitions of our current system are completely in reverse, and completely twisted around – wherein a charity that supports the enslavement of human beings through not empowering people but only helping them to survive is seen as good – when a criminal that commits a theft to support his family, and to have food – is seen as bad – I mean – thus I realize that I can’t rely upon the definitions, and ideas of good, and bad that was handed down to me by my parents – but that I instead must investigate the actual common sense of each – and determine the morality of a point in relation to what outcome that point have – as whether it’s best for all or not
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that even though I am completely honest in this world, and I am completely open, and vulnerable – and make sure that each word I speak is the complete truth – I mean – will this change anything? I mean – no – it will not – simply because the system isn’t designed to support honesty, and instead honesty is effectively clobbered through a completely dysfunctional law-system – and a dysfunctional value system wherein people are punished for the “bad” things they do – instead of the point being understood, and the so to speak “bad” human being supported, and assisted to correct his living
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about making an act when I work – and speaking words, and behaving in such a way that I please the customer – and that I do my work effectively – in thinking that – when I put on act, and I go into a specifically designed character as the “taxi-driver” – that I am then compromising myself; instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the words I speak – and the way I move, and direct myself doesn’t define who I am – I mean I am able to stand in any point in the system, and walk that particular manifested vocabulary without the point in anyway defining or changing who I am – and thus – when I drive my taxi – I am simply able to go into this character that I’ve designed – as a specific work-character that please customers, and that is pleasant, and comfortable to be around – because that is what a customer in a taxi wants to have – and I am able to walk this character without it in anyway compromising me – because I understand what I am doing – and I am stable within me direction, and as such I don’t need anyone to think that I am honest, or that I have integrity – because I know that I am self-honest, and that I self-integrity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove to others that I am honest, and that I have integrity – and to want and desire that people when they meet are to think of me, and see me as being a “good” human being – a truthful human being – someone they can trust, and feel close with; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise common sense, and to compromise my effective self-movement in a moment – through wanting and desiring to have others see me in a particular; instead of understanding that – I mean – to really be effective in this world I must be free from all morality – because only then am I able to move myself in the moment and be completely free to direct myself in such a way that I create the best outcome possible – because if I want to present myself as being good, and honest – then suddenly there are these rules which I must follow and this will lead to me compromising common sense – and instead trying to fulfill an idea, and a experience that have no bearing on actual life, and living what-so-ever
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be validated, and confirmed by others – and to feel that it’s my very innermost core that is being attacked, and placed at risk – if I was to agree with something in words, that I don’t actually agree with, or see is common sense – I mean – instead of realizing that – I am able to speak words that are not aligned with my actual truth so to speak – and that doing this is nothing bad but it’s all about the context, the why, the how, and WHO I AM within the point that determine whether the point is in-fact self-honest; so if I for example agree with the customer only to have the conversation be more smooth and effective – and I do this because it will make the customer happy – I mean – then it’s cool – because I’ve actually walked the point from a starting point of self-honesty – wherein I didn’t speak from a reaction – but I considered the context of where I am – and spoke in such a way to support myself in a way that is best for all
Now – obviously – as I said in the beginning – I am also able to in these moments to simply say that “I don’t agree” or “no” – and that the primary point of importance is to make sure that I am stable when I speak – and that I don’t seek to be recognized, confirmed, and validated in what I say, or speak – but that I simply speak here as myself without any desire for a particular outcome; thus enabling myself to use words in such a way that I support a outcome of a moment that is best for all – and also being able to if I see that it’s effective – simply share my point of view – but not doing this from a starting point of wanting to convince, or prove myself right – but simply sharing myself – in oneness and equality HERE.
When and as I feel that I must be honest, and speak the truth – because if I don’t I will apparently be a “bad” human being – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – living the principle of what best for all implies that there are no rules – but that one do, and speak what is effective and what produce a result that is best for all – and that one do not hold unto any idea of “who self is” – but that one simply speak, and share, and move self within and as common sense – without any morality, or idea of what it implies to be “good” holding oneself back
When and as I see that I am limiting myself in how I am speaking, in thinking that “I am Viktor, and Viktor speaks in a particular way” – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am not limited by the words I speak – that I am not defined by the words that I speak – but that I am able to direct myself to speak what-ever words will produce the most effective results in the moment as what is best for all; as such I commit myself to make myself free to play with, and use words as a way to move myself effectively in my day-to-day living – without any constraints, or dogmatic regulations
When and as I see that I think that I must be “honest” and that it’s immoral, and bad, and wrong to be not be “honest” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that being honest in this current world-system is in-fact self-dishonesty – because it implies that self compromise self world, and living – in order to live a particular concept that apparently makes one be a “good person”; as such I commit myself to let go of any morality – and to live on a moment to moment basis – with no rules – and only by the principle of what is best for all – seeing that to in-fact implement and create what is best for all – honesty is limiting
When and as I see that I want to say something to another to show them who I am, to convince them, and to sort of “make my stand” in a moment – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to convince anyone – and in-fact the point I speak will not be more, or less only because I convince somebody to agree with me – I mean – it’s obvious that the only that really matters is that I have a clear understanding within me; as such I commit myself to speak HERE without desiring an outcome – and to stand stable, and clear within my words one and equal – and not try to convince another
When and as I see that I am glorifying honesty, and integrity – as people that dare to say the truth even though it will have massive consequences – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back – and I see, realize, and understand that this type of self-sacrificing behavior is in-fact ego – as it’s wanting to appear noble, and caring – it’s wanting to feel good about what self have done – not considering the actual physical practical implications but only a feeling, and experience – and a dream of what it means to be honest, and have integrity; as such I commit myself to end all romantic views of honesty, and integrity and instead work with this practical physical reality – work with real practical equations – 1 + 1 = 2 – simplicity – and not go by any form of airy moral ideas
When and as I see that I want to be honest with another, so that this other person can like me, appreciate me, and feel close to me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that being honest from this starting point is complete self-abuse; I mean – wanting someone to like me without a practical reason for such a want is irrational and indicate lack of self-love, and self-respect – I mean – there is obviously no need for me to have another to like me merely because it makes me feel good, this feeling is irrelevant and merely a outflow of a psychological disease such as lack of self-love; as such I commit myself to stop tormenting myself to appear appeasing to others – and instead focus upon living self-honesty here in every moment of breath
When and as I feel that I must fight another, and prove my point, and express myself to make my stand clear – because I feel that else my very beingness will become compromised; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this is a ridiculous idea – and that I mean – I don’t have to fight to protect myself because I am here – there is no word that can destroy my innermost being and existence – I mean only I can do that; as such I commit myself to stop fighting for my survival and instead realize that I can’t be harmed – and that what’s important is that I focus upon making each and every moment – a moment of self-expression – of presence here