Day 49: Feeling Attacked, Compromised, and Belittled

So – what an intense day! Driving a taxi means that I meet lot’s of people on a daily-basis – and this is a perfect spot to find out where it is that I am still reacting – because sometimes certain types of characters will enter my taxi, and I will experience a direct resistance, and dislike towards them – and obviously this means that there is something to investigate – I mean – it’s obvious common sense that the dislike, and resistance I experience is not about the other person in-fact, but it’s about me – as MY REACTION towards the other person.

Thus – today I met a person that I had one of these instant reactions of dislike, and resistance towards – and this blog will be dedicated to the point of bringing this particular reaction back to myself and investigating – what the hell is going on with me around this person.

So – the first time I met this character I experienced this person as being rude, critical, inconsiderate, and mean – and in went into a state of inferiority, and nervousness to make a fault – in fear of being criticized, and attacked by this others person; so in essence I went into a state of bully-protection mode – wherein I perceived this other person as being a bully that is out to get me, and that is able to get me – and accordingly I must defend myself!

homme d'affaire géantAnother interesting aspect is that I can see that I blamed this person for causing this reaction within me – thinking that “this person is so rude, and mean – she doesn’t realize how sensitive I am!” – “She doesn’t understand how easy I can break – just one word that is placed wrongly and I will go into a complete reaction!” – so I was blaming this other person and that naturally made it even hard for me to stabilize myself as I went into the state of inferiority, and wanting to secure all my bases – making sure that I don’t commit a single mistake.

So, as I was driving – I spoke with this person – now – at one point I asked the person to clarify a point – this was met with a reaction wherein I was called stupid, and dumb – towards this I immediately reacted and went into a form of shock – a form of taken-aback shock wherein my heart started to beat faster, and my mouth starting to produce saliva – and within this I started to become worried that the person will notice my reaction – see this as a weakness and make even more aggressive attacks.

What happened after I’d left the customer was that I went into my mind and started back chatting about this woman was really “bad” – and that she probably had lot’s of self-criticism, and now she was taking this out on me! And then within that feeling victimized, and abused – because I as a taxi-driver couldn’t “stand up” to the customer and demand that I didn’t want to be treated in that way – because as a taxi-driver – I have to be pleasurable, and welcoming towards my customer – I simply can’t become angry.

So, this is interesting because it shows me how I want to “fight back” – which implies that I think, and regard myself as being attacked – while the truth is that I AM NOT BEING attacked – it’s just specific words that are mentioned, in specific tonalities, accompanied with specific bodily movements – and this I then interpret within my mind as an attack – I mean it’s simply not a attack it’s instead a interpretation.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and believe that another is attacking me when specific words such as idiot, stupid, worthless, and dumb are used – together with a loud and piercing tonality – that sound “accusing” in a way; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this picture, and sound-environment that I experienced in that moment wasn’t about me – I mean it wasn’t personal in anyway but merely a particular symbolic message in the moment that another portrayed and that I interpreted and internalized within me – thinking that “it’s about me” and that “I am being attacked” instead of understanding that this is not the case

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as someone speaks the words dumb, idiot, stupid, and worthless around me – to go into and as a state of fear, and hypersensitivity – wherein I am hyper-aware of my environment from a starting point of trying to localize and prevent and form of threat – threat here meaning that someone would call me dumb, idiot, stupid, or worthless; within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when someone use these words around me – and to go into and as a state of “defending myself” – and thinking that I am being attacked and as such I must “attack back”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of protection – as a state of hypersensitivity, and hyper-awareness – wherein my body is completely stiff, my heart begins to beat faster, and my mouth produce more saliva – in essence placing myself into a “fight-or-flight” mode – wherein I ready myself either evade an attack, or attack myself; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in actual physical reality – there is nothing happening – I mean my survival isn’t threatened – only the mind-idea of myself is threatened – something that isn’t real; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in the moment when this point occurs – to state within me that what others say do not define me – I am here – I define, and decide who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am being compromised, and belittled when and as another speak the words idiot, dumb, stupid, and worthless in my vicinity with a tonality that is loud, piercing, and direct; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another’s words personally – to take the tonality another use to express themselves personally – to believe that what another say, and how they say it is about me – and that it’s robbing me of my honor, and pride; instead of realizing, and understanding that this is not real – I mean what is happening in the physical is that some words are uttered – and when these words are uttered no emotional experience is created in the physical – instead simply words are being spoken; which shows that my experience of the point is the mind – and is in-fact a illusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another, and think that it’s another’s fault when I react to specific words in fear, anxiety, and inferiority – thinking that – “they should be more careful about the words they speak, because they don’t know how I am going to react” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself – and to want to be a victim – to want to be dominated, and controlled by another – because then I don’t have to take responsibility for my reactions, and I am simply able to blame another and say that it’s their fault – and that I have nothing to do with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a victim state towards another, as a state of active blame – wherein I think that I’ve been unjustly treated, and dishonorably treated – and that I because of this deserve to attack, deserve to defend myself, and deserve to isolate myself within and as a emotional experience of feeling less than – inferior – belittled – unjustly harmed, and accused; and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this approach is not a solution – in-fact it merely adds to the point of reaction even more – because through blaming another I fuel my initial reaction; as such I realize that the solution is self-responsibility – and stopping my reaction, and seeing that it’s me that creates the reaction and nobody else but me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within me justify me reaction of self-victimization, and feeling hurt – through looking at another, and thinking that “they are evil” – “they are bad!” – thinking that “they must be bad else I wouldn’t experience myself like this” – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I mean – this point is only a justification to hide from the fact that – only I exist within me – thus only me is responsible for what occurs, and happens within me – I mean – it doesn’t matter how much I try to twist the point, and avoid the truth – because it’s undeniable that I am responsible for what exists, and goes on within me and nobody else but me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that another is a “evil old lady, and that it can be seen in her eyes that she wants to do bad unto me” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is yet again a excuse, and a justification – wherein I am trying to not see who is the actual creator within me – and avoid understanding, and facing the truth within me – which is that I am responsible – and that if I want to change the experience of me – then I must do this through actual practical labor – and that nobody else can give this to me but me; as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to practice standing effective – self-motivated – and untouchable in every moment of breath in the full understanding that what-ever goes on and opens up within me – is me and nobody else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the age, and looks of another as trigger points – to which I am able to think that “this person is ugly and there wants to do me bad!” – instead of realizing, seeing, and understanding that regardless of the looks, and appearance of another – I am responsible for what goes on within me – I mean – I can’t escape this fact regardless of how much would want to do – because the truth of the matter is that I am the creator within me – thus I create myself to feel belittled, hurt, and provoked – and that nobody else but me is responsible for stopping and ending this experience within me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am taking it personally, and that I am emotionally reacting when another speaks words such as idiot, stupid, dumb, and worthless – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that another is speaking the words – yes – but this has no direct connection to what I experience within me – it’s like there is actual rope or something attached to the words another speak that goes into me and activates a emotional experience; no – this is because it’s me that is the creator of what goes on within me; as such I commit myself to breath – and state that I am not defined, controlled, or created by the behavior or words of another – I decide, define, and create myself in oneness and equality with and as my human physical body here as breath

When and as I see that I am going into a state of physical pressure, and hypersensitivity, and hyperawareness as to what goes on within me from a starting point of fear; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – what another says or does is something that do not effect me as to my beingness experience of myself – I mean – as such – I am creating myself which makes it completely stupid that I would defend myself, or attack; as such I commit myself to stop involving others in what I experience within me – and instead focus my attention on breath – and breathing through the experience I have come up within me

When and as I feel that I am being compromised, and attacked, when someone speak the words idiot, dumb, stupid, and worthless in my vicinity with a sharp, direct, loud, and forceful tonality – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am not really being attacked, or compromised – I mean – what’s happening in reality is that someone is speaking particular words in a particular tonality close to me – it’s got nothing to do with what I experience; as such I commit myself to align myself with this understanding through breathing deeply – and relaxing my human physical body – understanding that I am not being threatened – I am here – and everything is cool

When and as I see that I am going into blame, and resentfulness towards another – because I feel, and experience that they are making me feel dumb, compromised, and have a experience of inferiority – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – it’s useless to blame another because I’ve created what I experience within me – and it’s my paranoia, it’s my inflated self-interest that I experience as energy – and it’s no one else’s responsibility but my own to stop this experience – direct this experience – and bring myself back here to physical reality; as such I commit myself to breath and bring myself back into my physical body – and interact, communicate, and move myself here without resentment, or blame – understanding that I am the creator and that I am responsible

When and as I see that I am thinking that I deserve to isolate myself into a experience of victimization as inferiority, and feeling belittled – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I mean it’s completely unnecessary to go into this state of being – and that I am really punishing no one but myself – I am my own greatest enemy; as such I commit myself to change this relationship and make myself my biggest asset – through supporting myself in the moment to breath through the experience of inferiority, and feeling belittled – and bring myself back here to physical equality and oneness with and as my human physical body – here – and move, and direct myself without being influenced or controlled by and through energy

When and as I see that I am justifying my reaction of self-victimization, feeling belittled, and feeling hurt – through thinking that it must be another’s fault because apparently they are bad, and evil, and untrustworthy – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that focusing upon what another is doing, or isn’t doing is a diversion tactics – wherein I try to divert myself from the point that requires direction – which is me – SELF – through looking at my idea of what, or who another is; as such I commit myself to BREATH – and to focus upon myself – and more specifically focus upon stabilizing myself and bringing myself back to breath and physical self-movement in the stability of and as breath

When and as I see that I am focusing upon another as to what they are doing, or not doing – thinking that they “look evil, and thus must be causing this point within me!” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that any experience that I have is always my own point to deal with and thus it’s easy to see that any form of focus that I place outside of myself is diversion tactics – where I in essence divert myself from real change – through trying to find out what I think another is doing wrong; as such I commit myself to align my focus to myself – to focus upon me HERE – each breath being the focus point of every moment – as such stopping myself from looking outside of myself and instead placing my attention, and seeing – HERE

When and as I see that I am using the age, and the looks of another – as reasons to why apparently they are to blame – and they are at fault – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that blame in any form is always self-limitation – because the effect of blame is that I will not deal with the real issues which is me – and my relationship with myself; as such I commit myself to stop looking at others, to stop thinking about others – and to understand that the real issue that needs sorting out is ME, and my relationship with myself

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5 thoughts on “Day 49: Feeling Attacked, Compromised, and Belittled

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