An interesting reaction came up today – and yet again it was triggered in the taxi. So, what I was driving a customer – and she asked me what I studied; I said that I studied law. She then exclaimed that “those who study law does not get any jobs!” – and she continued to explain how a relative of hers had difficulty getting a job with her law-degree. In this moment I had a fear shock go up through my body – like a electrical circuit running up through my body and charging up very fast – bam!
After this happened – I noticed how my thoughts started to go into the direction of “securing survival” – and my thoughts started taking the shape of future plans – what I was going to do, how I was going to change my direction in my studies, how I could prepare myself for the worst – what might happen when I am done with my degree; so this was interesting.
In essence – what I am able to see is that fear of survival activated and charged up through my body. What does then show me? Well it shows me how I’ve suppressed this point of fear through aligning myself with a feeling of comfort that I get through thinking that through my degree I will be able to secure a job; and when that dream/idea was ripped away from under my feet – suddenly the fear came rushing back.
Thus – it’s interesting to see that I’ve not in-fact dealt with my fear of survival – but I’ve instead suppressed it through creating beautiful dreams, and fantasies about my future – and how my future is going to be positive, comfortable, and enjoyable – because I have access to money!
This is not real stability – it’s fictional stability dependent upon money – and it’s obviously not effective to accept and allow one’s stability in oneself to be dependent upon such a unstable, and unpredictable point – I mean – I want me as stability to stand regardless of my finances, regardless of my living environment – accepting and allowing NO FEAR within me what so ever – because my stability is not defined in relation to survival – my stability is me within oneness and equality – as a living word.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as stability through being dependent upon money, and finances, and wealth to feel stable; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and think that I require and need to survive to be stable, and define stability as my ability to survive in this world; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place stability within me as a living word – wherein my stability as myself is not dependent upon external stimuli – but that I stand stable as a living statement of myself in every moment of breath – untouchable – and unmovable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that money gives me stability, and money gives me security – and money gives me safety – instead of accepting and allowing myself to create these points within me as living words – creating security to be self-security – creating safety to be self-comfortableness – and aligning myself with these words in such a way that I am able to live them as a statement in a breath – here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon money to be stable, to be self-confident, to be assertive, and to be effective in my day to day living
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a feeling of security within me in relation to dreams of me completing my studies and getting a job in order to suppress within me fear of survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, and understand that feelings of security and safety are obviously not real – I mean the nature of this existence is unpredictability – thus it’s really not possible to in-fact be safe, and secure in the meaning that one have a stable future; because things can change in one moment; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to hide from the real nature of this reality through inflating hopes, and dreams of where my education is going to lead me – instead of dealing with, and working with reality as what is actually here in-fact – which is a reality that can’t be trusted because it’s completely unpredictable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear of survival is in essence fear of loosing control – and that I’ve tried to suppress this fear of loosing control through creating these illusory experiences of feeling safe, and secure – instead of realizing, and understanding it’s not possible to have full control in this world and reality – as such I mean any form of experience that is saying otherwise is a illusion; within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself dare to let go of my fear of loosing control – and as such align myself with living in every moment of breath – in every moment being HERE ready to die and give up all of my possessions and my accumulated life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear of survival exists only when I do not live in-fact – because if I would live in fact there would be no fear of survival because my entire existence and focus would be HERE on the point of in-fact living – and not separated into such unnecessary and unpractical experiences as fear of survival; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with living in-fact – to live in each moment of breath in understanding that this world is in it’s very nature unpredictable – and that real living, and real life – and real experiencing – can only happen and be actual reality HERE in every moment of breath
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to stand in the face of uncertainty, and to dare to let go of control completely – in understanding that the perfection of self-trust – is to be able to stand in every moment stable regardless of the environment – regardless of the situation – and that one in every moment of breath is fully HERE – fully directive – fully participating without separating one’s awareness and presence into experiences of fear, anxiety – and desire to have control
When and as I see that I limit myself as stability, through thinking and believing that I must have money to be stable – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I create myself as stability – thus I decide what stability is and this is not up to money to decide; as such I commit myself to live stability in such a way that it’s not dependent upon any form of external stimulation such as money
When and as I see that I think, and believe that I am dependent upon money to direct myself, to be assertive, and effective within my life – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that even if I’d like for money to be a god in my world – this is not so – because in the end – I am for all practical purposes god in my own world; which means in the end I decide how to experience myself – I decide who I am; as such I commit myself to live directness, and assertiveness as a unconditional self-expression as a living word that is not based upon any form of external stimuli
When and as I see that I am using dreams, hopes, and desires in order to construct a feeling of safety within me too suppress and hide from fear of loosing control, as fear of survival; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this reality is unpredictable thus there is in-fact no real safety or security – I mean – these points are merely mirages and can only be achieved to a certain extent – but the real point of this world is uncertainty; as such I commit myself to face the uncertainty of this world – and stop fearing the uncertainty of this world – but instead push myself to live for real in every moment – here – because that is a point I have full control, and responsibility over – WHO I AM – in this moment of breath
When and as I see that I am suppressing fear of survival through making up various dreams – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear of survival indicates that I am not yet fully living – because if I was fully living I wouldn’t fear – I would instead LIVE; as such I commit myself simply understand that fear of survival is a indication that I do not yet live; as such I commit myself to push myself to live – living in every moment to the fullest without any regret
When and as I see that I focus upon fear of survival instead of living – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I require to shift my awareness from fear of survival – to living fully and wholly in every moment of breath; thus I commit myself to through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical – change my awareness to be life awareness – instead of fear awareness
When and as I see that I am limiting myself through thinking, and believing that I must have some form of exterior certainty – to not be afraid, to not doubt, to not worry; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in-fact all I require is to be HERE in this moment – and that really the feeling of need in relation to certainty is because I’ve not allowed myself to be certain within my application – that I am here – that I stand – that I move and that there exists no separation within me; as such I commit myself to align myself here and live as ONE and EQUAL – to as such not make myself dependent upon another in anyway what so ever