Day 57: Life is a Struggle, Apparently

Okay, I had some reactions today – and these require direction immediately – so here we go.

So, as usual – the specific of the context wherein these reactions came up is not relevant – such as for example the names of the participants, or what type of relationship I hold towards them – what is relevant is to investigate the SYMBOLISM of the moment, and how this particular symbolism triggered some biased vocabulary I’ve created within me – wherein I’ve connected certain emotions to a certain defined moment as a symbol – and thus programmed me to react when a particular situation as a defined vocabulary enters my moment of awareness.

Thus – I will here in this blog work with this misaligned vocabulary.

struggle_by_exeart-d527rzlOkay – so what is the symbolism of this moment? Well – I am able to see that the general symbolism of the moment was that it was a conversation, and in this conversation I was stable, and at ease within and as my application until a certain point emerged – which was as I perceived it: criticism, and disagreement – and within this I experienced myself de-pressed – meaning essentially as if I was being energetically pushed downwards within myself; what I am able to see is that I in the moment wanted to blame the other participant in the conversation – though this is not valid because what is to be realized is that this moment is a symbol – it thus represents a particular issue I’ve created within me towards particular vocabulary.

So, I am able to see that when I perceived that I was being criticized, and another disagreed with me – I took it personally, and I went into a rebellious character – wherein I in my mind started to consider what I could say in-return to so to speak “turn the tide” – meaning – I interpreted the particular moment as a competition wherein I was in the loosing corner, and thus in order to win I had to in someway get myself to the other corner – through speaking particular words and in that having the other participant experience themselves de-pressed – so that I could feel up-lifted.

It’s interesting – when I find myself go into this competition-mode – I am unable to in-fact listen to another, I am unable to speak calmly, and at ease and direct the situation with a clear, and stable vocabulary – and instead I go into a defense-mode – wherein I feel that I am being attacked, and thus the natural outflow of this according to the logic reasoning of the mind is to “attack back”.

Fascinating though – that in “attacking back” – I in essence miss myself, and miss the moment – because I do not in-fact see the other participant but only that particular biased vocabulary I am reacting to within myself – and thus I lock myself into my mind – fighting against my own inner mental ghosts, believing that I am doing something “in reality” – while reality has already been missed because all I am doing is living out the past as biased vocabulary as miss-interpreted past events – that I’ve defined within experiences instead of seeing the facts of the event.

I mean – the facts of this particular event would be that I am talking with someone – and that what another say as words can’t possibly in anyway influence me on a mental basis unless I accept and allow it – it’s not like the words physically get inside my body and start to active particular experiences – no – this is my doing – it’s my creation and I’ve accepted and allowed this creation to become automated and simply run amok – automated to react to particular stimuli in a particular way – and in this case reacting through taking it personally and going into a competition- and defense-mode.

Another interesting aspect of this point is that the particular person I spoke held the symbolism within me as being “a close person” – thus due to this point I reacted more than I would’ve if it would’ve been a “stranger” that I spoke with; and this is because I’ve accepted and allowed this particular persons word to mean more to me, to be more valuable than any other persons word – thus deciding to trust this individual, and define myself according to this individual – in the belief that because I know them, and have known them for a long time – they are apparently a part of me – and thus are able to have a impact on me, and decide who I am; which is obviously a justification for me to not take responsibility for the particular dysfunctional symbolism that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

Thus – self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive a particular moment, and define a moment as being hazardous, as me being criticized and attacked – and that thus I must defend myself, and protect myself, and unleash my vocabulary as weapons that I use to disarm, and remove my enemy; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the only enemy that exists is the inner-me – is my mental situation that I’ve created through years of automated automaton living – wherein I’ve not effectively structured my inner kingdom to be aligned with what is best for all but I’ve simply allowed points to accumulate, and thus creating a energetic bias towards particular situations wherein I react and act irrational – because I do not stand within oneness and equality with the objective facts as what is here – but instead interpret what is here and act according to experiences, and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, and believe that when another does not agree with me, or say’s that I am wrong, and that I am not effective within a particular point – that this is then a deadly, and harmful attack towards me that I must in anyway protect myself from, and make sure that I am able to avoid, or at least attack back in the same measure to make sure that I don’t loose – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how this point is simply not real – and that everything I experience is in-fact a mind-job – which means that what I experience is nothing but my own biased vocabulary that have become triggered due to me facing particular external stimuli as particular symbolism; and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be grateful that this event opened up – as it allows me to go into my mental reality and correct the ineffective relationships I’ve created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I must make sure that I in every moment cover all my bases, and make sure that my words sounds reasonable, and good, and smart – because then I will have made sure that I can’t in anyway be attacked – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this point of feeling attacked is simply not real, it’s a illusory experience that I create through going into my mental inner mind-chatter and from within there conjure a particular energetic idea of myself as how I experience myself in the moment – instead of realizing that without this mental conjuration – I am simply here as my physical body – and that this is the fact – that I am here as a physical body and as a physical body I can’t in-fact be influenced by the words, and behavior of another – unless it’s in-fact physically harming me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unable to stand in the face of criticism, and disagreement – and immediately react, and take these points personally as they open up in my world, and go into a state of self-suppression, and self-victimization – wherein I limit myself in the moment to either fight back, or to suppress myself – instead of seeing, realizing, and understand that I am able to direct, and express myself here as I’d like – because in being here as stability I am able to be creative, and move my body, and the sound of my words – and the sound of myself – the presence of me – as I’d like – because I am not limited to external stimuli – meaning that I don’t react, or define myself according to external stimuli – but that I instead remain here within and as breath – within and as self-movement – and that there is nothing that can move me – and take me off course within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I require, and need a form of acceptance from others to be comfortable with myself, to be creative, and to be loose in my expression – and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place responsibility unto others to make me feel okay with myself – instead of me accepting and allowing myself to take directive of and as myself – and actively deciding who I am – actively deciding how I experience myself – actively deciding to live instead of reacting – seeing that living is acting in-fact wherein I script myself according to my awareness of what is here – and I do not re-act – which is me in essence simply regurgitating what has been taught to me without any awareness – without any presence – and without any common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn from my parents that this world, and that living in this world is a struggle – and that it’s something I must come to accept – that each day, each relationship, each point in this world is something I must distrust – and fight; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my daily living to be a constant fight – wherein I must make sure that I win each conversation, that I win each encounter – that I make sure I leave within my so-called “pride” intact – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that in seeing the facts of this reality – there is no fighting, there is no competition, there is no reason to distrust – because what is here – is simply what is here – and thus it’s to learn to simply see what is here and not create a particular experience towards what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, and define living as a fight, and as struggle, and as something that is personally out to get me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living, to fear existing – because I fear that at any moment I might be attacked, and I might be killed, or dishonored, or ridiculed, or de-pressed – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is merely my biased, and distorted view of reality, and life – and that this belief is not in-fact true – because what is true is that I am here in this world as a human physical body – and that in essence the actuality of this world is created in such a way as to support my continued existence – and that in-fact at the moment my existence is supported because I have access to money – and thus my entire idea of myself and living is a falsity that is based upon a misinterpretation of reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret reality – to misinterpret the physical, and to see what is here as feelings, and experiences – instead of seeing the actual facts of my world, the actual facts of my daily living and participation – and stop interpreting points in my mind as guessing what is here – as thinking about what is here – but instead SEE what is here within and as oneness and equality as simply being one and equal with and as what is here and thus having full understanding in quantum time – because I stand within that point of equality as realizing that there is no separation between me and this physical world, and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, and perceive that I am able to be defeated through the words that another use, and that I thus must keep myself on the edge at all times – to make sure that I will not be defeated, that I will not be attacked, and that I will be able to defend myself at any and all costs – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a human of the human race – wherein I race to get to some illusory finish line – and that I attempt to reach this illusion first through fighting my way through resistance – not seeing, realizing, and understanding how this entire point is make-belief – and that I’ve made it up in my mind – that I’ve created it without awareness, and without understanding the actuality of living in-fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, and believe that I am not able to function without interpreting what I here – thinking that my survival is based upon me being able to interpret what is here, and “read between the lines” as in seeing the danger, and the difficulty that might lurk around every corner of my existence, and that I must constantly be prepared that this point is going to come out and bite me in the ass when and as I am the last prepared; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and to bring myself back here to the physical – as living without interpreting but instead SEEING matter – as a matter of fact – fact being matter – and there being nothing to interpret because I see what is real and there is no point guessing involved

Self-commitments

When and as I perceive, and see it as if I am being attacked, and that I must thus use words, vocabulary, and my body to defend myself – and remove myself from the threat – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am in this moment seeing not reality – but my biased interpretation of reality – as what I think I see; as such I commit myself to stop fighting – and to instead without bias – see the facts of reality as what is in-fact here – and to within this walk with and as reality – as the physical

When and as I see that I believe that I am being attacked, because I feel criticized, I feel attacked, I feel belittled, and de-pressed – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is in-fact no such thing happening, and that what is going on is that I am experiencing my own dysfunctional vocabulary as a dysfunctional understanding of reality that is based on feelings and not on facts; as such I commit myself to align myself with reality – and see what is in-fact here – and give proper definitions to what is here – understanding that a attack as a in-fact physical attack towards me that is able to harm me – while speaking is communication that regardless of it’s intent can’t in-fact physically harm me; as such I commit myself to live HERE direct – without interpretation – and instead SEE the facts – and not go into the feelings

When and as I see that I am placing my words to cover all bases, that I act and behave to protect myself from an eventual attack; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this is in-fact paranoia – meaning – a para-normal point that I accept and allow to influence me within and as my physical living here; as such I commit myself to breath – and to live with and as the physical – to speak naturally and comfortably with and as my physical body – and not fearing eventual points that might come into my world – but instead trust that I will simply stand and direct myself here within and as oneness and equality as breath

When and as I see that I am reacting, and taking disagreement, and perceived criticism personally, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am in this moment in-fact creating a make-belief reality – wherein I am seeing what is here through the eyes of misinterpreted vocabulary as not in-fact understanding the meaning of words but only seeing my biased definition of words; as such I commit myself to re-align my living to the physical as being and living here within and as the physical – and not accepting and allowing myself to live through, and as a interpretation as the mind

When and as I see that I am re-acting – to apparently defend myself, and protect myself from criticism, and disagreement – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how I am in this moment accepting and allowing myself to interpret life, and living as a struggle, and fight that I must push myself through else I will be devoured by this evil reality – and within this I commit myself to bring myself back here and to live in seeing that living is only a fight, a struggle, and a competition when I see living that way – and I deliberately create that experience through thinking about it; as such I commit myself to live without thinking – without interpreting – but instead see directly what is here

When and as I see that I am fighting what is here, and attempting to protect, and defend myself from what is here – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that it’s simply irrational to fight what is here – because in fighting what is here I am merely trying to defend my own fears, and anxieties – and I am not in-fact learning to direct what is here – and thus I create conflict, and friction – and make my life generally uncomfortable simply because I do not direct – but instead fight; as such I commit myself to practice directing – and practice moving myself, and my world as self-direction within oneness and equality as breath

When and as I see that I am perceiving, and defining living as a fight, and as a struggle – that is personally out to get me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within and as holding unto such a view of reality in-fact limiting myself extensively, because I am looking at the physical with these biased eyes wherein I only see what I want to see – instead of seeing in-fact what is here in this moment; as such I commit myself to stop seeing, and looking with biased eyes – and instead see, and look at what is here directly – within and as common sense

When and as I see that I am interpreting what is here, and I make guesses, and assumptions as to the function of reality, and as to what it is that I am seeing – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t in anyway trust my eyes – when I accept and allow myself to only see my own interpretations and guesses – and in essence see the information that I’ve decided to be correct instead of remaining open and in-fact seeing what is here in this world and reality

When and as I see that I go into a state, and belief that I am able to be defeated, deflated, and disempowered by the words that another use, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this particular idea is in-fact a justification for me to go into a self-victimization, and depression character – wherein I feel, and think that I’ve been defeated – as such I commit myself to stop this particular point of searching for a reason to feel depressed – and instead commit myself to live and breath as stability, and as the physical in every moment

When and as I see that I believe, and think that I am not able to function, and live properly without interpreting what is here – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within and as this particular moment justifying why I should remain limited, why I should remain in a illusion – and I mean the only reason I’d like this is because I’m comfortable to this point, I’ve gotten used to it and I don’t really want to practice seeing reality as it is but instead hold unto my illusion; as such I commit myself to push through the resistance and develop a seeing that is direct – that is in-fact seeing the facts of this physical reality and not the feelings I’ve created within me as interpretations of reality

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3 thoughts on “Day 57: Life is a Struggle, Apparently

  1. Pingback: Day 59: Automatic Defense and Protection-mode | Viktor Persson

  2. Pingback: Day 61: Competition and Infected Vocabulary | Viktor Persson

  3. Pingback: DisMISSING The Value of Self: DAY 233 | Anna's Journey to Life

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