Day 59: Automatic Defense and Protection-mode

A pattern that I’ve noticed today is the “Oh my god I am attacked” pattern – and this mental pattern takes shape as following:

I will be casually doing my own thing – driving, walking, talking – whatever point I might be participating in: then I will see someone’s facial expression, gesture, movement – and I will believe that they are angry at me, and that they are reacting and will give my a good verbal beating as I come close to them.

Defensive-HTML-and-CSSThis particularly happens as I drive my taxi – for example I will be driving to pick up a client, and then I see the client – and I perceive their facial expression to be slightly negative, slightly frowning – immediately I will go into a state of tension, and pressure and put myself into self-defense-mode – wherein I will be more protective, and defensive – and hold myself back in my participation – because I believe myself to know that I might “get it” at any time – thus the smartest I can do is apparently to see to it that I am amply protected.

A fascinating point that I’ve noticed is that my initial judgment of another persons face is seldom real – it’s instead often completely misjudged and when I then start to talk with the person I notice that they are calm, and stable – and they don’t have any particular grudge towards me – because it’s all MADE UP in my mind.

So – I believe that I am protecting myself by going into this defense-mode – but really I am just running away from reality and into my mind where there is no facts but only what I feel, and what I experience – and what I am able make out as a apparent truth out of the chaos of my thoughts – so I mean – this point is not serving me at all; it’s really non-sense – I mean NON SENSE as my reactions towards reality having no factual basis – they are ILLUSIONS – not real.

Thus – I will write self-forgiveness in relation to this particular way of defending myself towards apparently “mean” and “angry” people that are out “to get me” – so that I am able to walk into any situation and be completely stable, and at ease with myself here – with no reaction, no experience, and no feeling – instead FACTS.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as the self-protection and defense character when I perceive that someone is angry at me, or annoyed with my presence, or is simply waiting for someone to lash out on – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and to act according to experience, to act according to emotion, and feeling – instead of remaining and sticking here with and as facts – sticking here with what I am able to see and discern with my REAL-EYES – meaning that I in-fact realize and see what is reality and what is fake as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to defend myself from others – instead of realizing that I can’t defend myself from others because I can’t in-fact be influenced, and moved by others – because the person that do this towards me – is ME – by my own acceptance and allowance – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath and bring myself back here and understand that I am not able to loose myself, and I am not able to be harmed – and thus there is nothing to protect, and defend myself from – there is nothing to run away from – and there is nothing that is able to defeat me – I mean – I simply here interacting within and as this physical reality – walking with my human physical body – and there is nothing more to it but this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my initial judgment, and my initial thoughts – as how I perceive, and see another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind and to trust my reactions towards another – instead of trusting myself as the physical here – as living here within and as physical equality and oneness with and as my human physical body – seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am only able to trust what is here directly as fact – as that is the only point that is real as MATTER – because what goes on in my mind is a point that has been programmed into me as a misunderstanding of actual physical reality – and as such it’s nothing that I am able to trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need my reactions, my emotions, and my faulty judgments to be able to live – and discern reality – not realizing that I am not really ever discerning reality – I am merely living in my own self-created illusion as a idea of what I think is real – but it’s not real because I am not stable – and reality is always stable – thus if I’d in-fact stood one and equal as reality I’d be equally stable as the physical but I am not – thus this proves that my inner mental reality is a fake – a lie – that I’ve manufactured and believed to be real due to the experience I feel – not realizing that the experience can be stopped, and removed – and is thus not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to hold unto my fear of other people to defend myself, and to survive in this reality – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this “survive” I want to attain is not actual, and real survival – but it’s the survival of the mind – survival of fear – survival of energy; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and see, realize, and understand that I do not need energy to survive – and to live – and to express myself here – and there is nothing to fear about letting go of this point – I mean – I can prove to myself here that all I need is the physical – as breath – and that the mind is not necessary for me to be here and be effective within and as my movement of and as breath as living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, and believe that when I experience that “someone is out to get me” – that this is actually real, and that only because I have this experience it means that this point is real – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am not able to trust my experiences – that I am not able see reality in any way through my mind – and that all I am seeing when I am reacting is my own programmed energy entity that I’ve designed through out my life without any effective awareness; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to life – back to living as the physical – and as such stop my desire to hold unto energy, and experience in the belief that this helps me to live, and express myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, and perceive that without energy, without thought, without the mind – I am helpless, and I am not able to function in this world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my allegiance to the mind – to believe that I am dependent on the mind to exist and that I exist solely because the mind allows me to exist – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and accept and allow myself to see that I am able to live as a self-independent and self-standing principle – as a living principle – and that I thus don’t need the mind – but that I am able to live and direct myself here within and as oneness and equality as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, and believe that I must have the mind to be stable – and that without the mind deciding who I am, and how I should experience myself in every moment – I am completely at loss, I am helpless, and I am worthless – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here – and to see, realize, and understand that all I require to do to prove myself that I don’t need the mind – is to take a breath – and to live HERE directly in the physical without in anyway compromising my presence – my stand – and my physical beingness here – but that I simply live and walk here without a single thought existing in my mind – because I am so fully and completely living here – that there is simply nothing holding me back from me living fully and thus without fear – without doubt – without hesitation – as I live HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people on the way I perceive that they look, and as I observe people immediately look for “danger-signs” as various facial expressions, movements, or sound tonalities – that I am able to define as being threatening, and bad for me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to the physical and see, realize, and understand that I do not need my mind to be effective in my life – that I do not need the mind to interact, move, and direct myself here without any fear; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I meet someone – to meet them HERE in the physical – in the flesh – and without holding unto a private secret agenda in my mind as “my personal experience”

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into the self-protection, and defense character – wherein I immediately react through tensing myself and making sure that I protect myself from another’s apparent nastiness – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t require this character to be effective in my living, and that this fear I experience towards what another might say, or do towards me – it’s not valid – it’s not based on facts but upon my imaginary fantasies in my mind – as such I commit myself to meet another HERE as the physical and not participate in any form of assumption, as perception – as thinking that I apparently know what another is going to do, or say to me – and that I due to this require to protect myself

When and as I see that I am trying to protect, and defend myself from others – because I perceive, and see it as if I am “under attack” – and that I thus require get the fort out and make sure that I don’t buckle – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I perceive is not reality, what I feel is not reality, and my fort is not reality – and as such I commit myself to live in reality which is to be HERE with and as my body – with and as breath – and not in my mind – but in the physical here and direct myself within and as oneness and equality as breath

When and as I see that I trust my initial judgment, and idea of another – that comes up as a experience the moment I see another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this point is not real – my initial experience is merely a memory that have become activated within me as a particular fear that I’ve created in relation to particular stimuli – and thus I am in essence limiting myself; as such I commit myself to bring myself back here and to live HERE – to stop internalizing – to stop analyzing – to stop thinking and instead walk in reality HERE within and as oneness and equality as the physical – being stable and interact physically HERE

When and as I see that I feel as if I need my mind, I need my reactions, I need my experiences to continue existing – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t need my mind – I don’t need to experience to be able to direct myself effectively and efficiently in reality – I mean all that I need is simply seeing direct here and then using common sense to discern my movement and my direction in life

I commit myself to stop going into a automatic defense-mode – and I instead commit myself to meet people here in stability as breath – to meet them – get to know them – be here with them – and to not judge them, or create a personal experience within me in relation to how they express, or move themselves – but instead practice being stable here

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One thought on “Day 59: Automatic Defense and Protection-mode

  1. Pingback: Changing our Brainwashed Value-System to Principled Living: DAY 239 | Anna's Journey to Life

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