Lately I’ve been feeling some frustrations, and irritations, and this is because there has come up lots of new “material” so to speak, within me, that is here for me to work with. So, I am first going to share with you reading this blog, my perspective on reactions, and how I actually see discomfort, frustrations, and irritations, not as my enemies but as my friends.
So, first a little context: For some months me and my partner lived far away from each-other, and we didn’t have any direct physical contact, and then maybe a week ago we met together again in the physical and started to live with each other again. I mean, I find this place, to live close with another human being such a great place for me to face myself, because really, there is absolutely no way to run away from myself. Every little point that I hold unto will become accentuated, and it will come up in my face ready to be forgiven; and this is simply an outflow of being so close to another human being.
I mean, the general idea in society, and with human beings is that a relationship should be easy, flawless, and that any negative experience is apparently bad, and should be avoided like the pest. From my perspective this is a very limited understanding, because really, negative experiences, and especially those that come up frequently in relationships, they are simply great. Now, why do I say that?
Consider the following: what exists within you, and comes up within you, it doesn’t ever get into you so to speak, it’s not like somebody else come up to you and insert it, and say: “hey you, here you have this emotion” – no: if you observe yourself closely you will see that what you experience as negative emotions, and thoughts that come up within you, I mean they arise from within. The person that might be in your vicinity as this happens, they serve as the trigger point, they serve as the memory-activator; and as such – through their behavior, tonalities, word-usage, facial expressions, movements, decisions, eye movements, they will activate stuff within you that have been there for your entire life, and that was actually, for the most part, installed within you at a very early age – from 0 to 7 years.
Thus, this is why it’s such a gift to experience yourself as shit with people, and to face those really uncomfortable, and nasty experiences that come up inside: because that is YOU – the YOU you’ve tried to hide from your entire life: and this is why you’ve decided to avoid certain points in your life, certain people, contexts, and events – because they would serve as a trigger point that would force you to come face to face with yourself.
This is why I apply a simply principle in my life, and that is that I go where I face resistance, and discomfort: because what do I know? I know that these are the places where I will face the real me, the hidden, suppressed, and denied parts of myself, that I’ve forgotten and shoved into my unconscious mind to never have to be seen, or faced again: yet – in walking into this situations, or meeting particular people – here these experiences arise within me.
Thus – facing people, situations, and relationships that are difficult because they bring up difficult truths about yourself, that is the best place to be, because then you can through applying specific self-forgiveness, and walking specific self-corrective statements, correct and change yourself, and thus empower yourself to be able to stand untouchable, and unmovable in ALL contexts, situations, events, and with ALL people. That is real power – to be able to stand regardless of what comes your way.
As such I am grateful to be able to walk with my partner, and face the discomforts that arise from within, because through this I will be able to birth myself as life from the physical, in taking responsibility for what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become, and correct myself into and as living stability, assertiveness, and giving life to myself, as not allowing myself to change based upon external circumstances and the energies that these points trigger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to admit to myself that what I am facing in a relationship is not the other person, but it’s myself, as who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become, and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself within myself, as not being in full directive control of myself as my mind, but instead being a slave to emotions, feelings, thoughts; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize the point of a relationship in order to face myself in reality, and be open with myself, and to see how it is that I exist within me, too through this be able to take a stand within myself and change myself to not anymore be moved, directed, or limited by and through the mind as emotions, feelings, thoughts, and backchat
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize, and understand that in living closely with another human being, I will face myself, and I will get to know all of myself, not only the fuzzy and soft parts of myself as feelings, but also the parts of myself that I don’t want to recognize, that I don’t want to see and that I’ve not directed but instead run from through my entire life; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to breath, to stabilize myself, and direct myself to start walking my shit that comes up when I am in a relationship with another, to as such stabilize myself, and perfect myself to remain stable, calm, and directive in all situations, in all contexts, and with all people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason I’ve decided to run away from relationships in my life, is not because the relationships have been bad for me, but because I’ve not been willing to face myself intimately, and directly, within and as self-honesty within them, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to face, and walk into the points in my life, and reality that I resist; in realizing, and understanding that this is where I am going to face myself – that this is where I am going to find myself, and thus be able to see myself, and through that find the necessary points to release and change through self-forgiveness, and self-commitment statements
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner, to blame another for what I experience within me, for the thoughts that come up within me, for how I accept and allow myself to be controlled, directed, and ruled by and as emotions, and feelings – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that blame is the epitome of escaping from myself, it’s the epitome and absoluteness of not wanting to face what it is that I’ve become, and how it is that I’ve created myself within and as myself; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare myself to stop blaming, and to within this dare to see, face, and direct myself in self-honesty
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that blame is a back-door – it’s a way to justify one’s own limitations and saying that: “it’s not me! It’s them! It can’t be me, I am a positive human being and I shouldn’t experience myself this way!” – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the bitter truth, the reality is that whatever comes up within me – it’s ME and it’s MY responsibility, and that another only serves as a trigger point to bring up dysfunctional relationships within me that I’ve created through the first 21 years of my life, mostly during the first phase of 0-7 years – as such what I am facing is myself as my unconscious mind, as that which I don’t want to admit to myself, as that which I’ve forgotten and suppressed, but that I did in-fact create as I came of age in this world, and grew up
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that escaping from relationships is not a solution, because the problem is not the relationship, the problem is ME, as how I’ve designed myself through-out my life, and thus the solution is to direct, change, and move me to stand as self-perfection, as what is best for all – and not accepting and allowing myself to become unstable, to become emotional, to become possessed by and as various thought-patterns, various emotional patterns, memories, backchat, and other mind-based points that arise from within; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that being in a relationship is a perfect vantage point from which to face the mind – because here I will see myself as who I in-fact exist within and as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason as to why relationships do not become a point of support in human beings life’s, but instead a point of limitation, is because of blame, and is because neither partner want to take responsibility for their pre-programmed designs; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as the change, and stand as the point that ends this circle of limitation, to as such not accept and allow anymore limitation, anymore inferiority, any more blame – but to stand and direct my mind in realizing that the mind is my creation and thus it’s my responsibility to direct, and move the mind within and as oneness and equality HERE
When and as I see that I am going into blaming, and thinking that another creates what emerge within me, and that I am thus helpless to change, and direct, and move what goes on within me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I am facing in a relationship is always MYSELF and that this facing is brutal, it’s direct, it’s though, and as such the only way to walk it through is to be equally though, equally direct, and equally to the point, being brutally self-honest with myself and in-fact forgiving myself for what I’ve created within myself as self-limitation; as such I commit myself to change myself, and utilize the relationship as a self-support to discover, and reveal all parts of myself – and take responsibility for all of myself
When and as I see that I want to hide from myself as what I am facing within, through focusing on what another is doing, through trying to in my mind think that what I face is another’s fault, and that it apparently can’t be me because I don’t experience myself like this when I am alone, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize, and understand that what I face with another is always myself, and the reason why I don’t face it when I am alone, is because I’ve created layers, upon layers of protective shells, and made certain that I will not awake the beast within, but that I will remain secluded in my conscious mind and not have to experience anything of the reality of myself as what I’ve accumulated as myself during my lifetime; as such I commit myself to stop this pattern of running away and instead face myself directly, take responsibility for myself and stop blame – and realize that it’s a gift to react because it shows me who I am and opens up the opportunity for self-forgiveness, and self-directed change.