Today while being at school I held a short presentation before my class. Here I faced some interesting reactions of fear, anxiety, worry, and inferiority. The main point as to why I reacted was not the fact that I was holding a presentation before my class. The primary point that triggered the reaction was how I thought that others perceived, and looked at me while I was giving the presentation.
So, the presentation was in relation to a question that the teacher asked, and this particular question was quite difficult, and within this I thought that I was one of the only students that had managed to sort of “break” the code, and within that achieved a correct answer. When I was thus holding my short presentation I was somewhat excited, and anxious to tell my class about this point. Though, as I began to speak about the point I started to think, and perceive that my classmates thought of me as being a know it all, and it was this particular thought that triggered my reaction of then becoming increasingly uncomfortable, and tense as I was sharing my findings in regards to the point.
What I am able to see here, is that this shows me two things: 1) I wasn’t unconditional in me sharing the information that I’d found and I was expecting some type of positive feedback 2) already before I’d began to share myself I’d created an idea of myself based in a sense of superiority, and as such I was charged up while sharing myself instead of speaking, and sharing myself unconditionally here.
The main problem thus, that can be found in both of these points, is my tendency to define myself, and worth myself according to relationships. For example: I am good at studying thus apparently “I am good” – or: I am good at explaining things in a clear and precise manner thus “I am clear and precise” – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that there is a difference between who I am in this world, as the form I exist within (a human physical body), as the particular skills I have, and who I am as life – as formless, and without definition – here as principle.
It’s interesting how generally throughout my process, I’ve noticed this dependency on something, or someone, be it knowledge, be it family, be it friends – and within this there has been the fear of standing alone, and being alone – and having no-one but me to walk and stand by me.
So, in this blog-post I will dedicate my self-forgiveness, and my corrective self-commitment statements to this point of seeking for another to determine who I am – and seeking for something else outside of me to give me stability, and purpose, instead of me standing stable here within and as breath not needing and requiring something more but me here.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something, or someone else to determine who I am, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that I need and require someone, or something else to determine who I am for me to be stable here – for me to be certain here – for me to know who I am here; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take breath and bring myself back here – and realize that I only need myself here as breath and that this need I experience for someone to determine me – is really not a need but in-fact a fear
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become uncertain, and fearful, when and as I perceive that others are determining me within and as a negative context – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this implies that I am loosing my stability, that I am loosing my certainty, that I am loosing myself, because apparently I am dependent upon someone, or something else to constantly confirm my existence, and confirm that I am here – instead of realizing that I don’t need that – because I am able to easily confirm for myself in each and every moment of breath that – I am here – I am breathing – I am within and as this human physical body; what more but that do I require?
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a purpose, or a point of external motivation that I can cling unto, and define myself as, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will feel empty, that I will feel purposeless, and meaningless, unless I have something, or someone that I am able to look at and think that – I have a relationship with this point, and thus I apparently “know who I am”
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am not defined by my career, that I am not defined by my human physical body, that I am not defined by my external reality – that I am not defined by and as form, by and as sound, by and as colors – as I am here – and when I look at: I look at myself here – I can’t see anything but darkness – a darkness that isn’t defined – that doesn’t have a form – that doesn’t have a particular predestined purpose – but that is instead simply a HERE
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around in this world from within and as a starting point of trying to find stability in some point that lies external from me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I do not need, or require such a external point in order to be stable – because obviously: stability is a word and thus not conditioned to someone or something else having a relationship with me – but it’s instead a word with the possibility within it of me living the word – developing myself as the word – and standing unconditionally as this word without any form of external relationship supporting me to stand as this word
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hinder, and suppress my performance in speaking, and sharing myself in-front of a group of people, in fear that they see, and determine me as a “know it all” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive towards, want, and desire to make sure that my relationships with people in my world are within and as the definition of positivity – wherein I believe, and perceive, that all beings in my world like me, and have a positive experience when they see me, and define me as someone that they find interesting, fascinating, and want to be friends with
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit, suppress, and withhold myself, through wanting and desiring to achieve positive relationships in my world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand to what extent I am limiting myself, when I allow my expression to be determined within a fear of what others think of me, or how others experience
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice unconditional self-expression here, and within and as this unconditional self-expression, pushing myself to stand stable here, and to not be influenced by my beliefs, and perceptions about what others think of me, but simply breath through these experiences, and thoughts, and re-affirm my stand here in every moment – so that I within this push myself to stand clear, and stable – like a pillar facing a storm – realizing that the pillar will stand through the storm when no attention is given to the storm
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I speak, and present, and share a point in-front of people, to look for confirmation, and to look for some type of approval – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not approve of myself, meaning that I stand accountable before myself, and that I look at myself objectively, and look at what I say, share, and speak, to see whether it’s in-fact effective – whether it is in-fact common sense – so that I as such do not depend upon others to say to me that what I am doing is cool – but that I am able to stand this point myself and walk the point of sharing and presenting a point to others in stability and within and as unconditional self-expression here
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that it’s a human trait to look for confirmation, and approval within others, and that this is not something I am able to do anything about; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that human nature doesn’t really in-fact exist – because it’s not set in stone – it doesn’t need to be this way – I mean that is obvious – human nature is subject to programming and can thus be re-programmed, and reset to support what is best for all – to be a living example of giving as we’d like to receive; as such I commit myself to reset and re-program my human nature to be a example of what is best for all – and to realize that nothing is set in stone
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work on the point of wanting to achieve confirmation, and acceptance from others, utilizing the justification, and excuse that it’s apparently something I am not able to do anything about, and that it’s a point set-in-stone; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the obvious common sense is that nothing is set in stone in-fact – proven by the fact that we as humans have created this world by our own volition – and that we as such can change this world by our volition – it’s not like something has been god-sent – we’ve in-fact participated in creating this existence and this world as it currently is
- When and as I see that I am going into and as a state, and a mode of being, as looking for confirmation, and acceptance from others, and I notice that I experience fear, and feel disturbed because I perceive that others do not like what I say – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this pattern is me looking for stability and certainty in separation from myself – and that this pattern is not honoring life – is not honoring me as living to my fullest potential in every moment of breath; thus I commit myself to bring myself back here – and to walk my presentation – and share myself here – in self-honesty as stability and silence as being completely here within and as my human physical body – thus within this not needing confirmation from another because I know – I am here
- When and as I see that I go into and as a mode of being, as trying to find something out there that I am able to define myself towards, and create a relationship with, to feel that I have purpose, and some meaning – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that meaning, and purpose is something that I’ve been programmed to search for – instead of living here – working with what is here – and remaining practical – physical at all times – walking the points that are in-front of my face; as such I commit myself to stop looking for something or something to define me – and I instead commit myself to live – breath – and walk practically and physically here