Day 77: Giving Me The Evil Eye

A reaction that I notice I still have difficulty in transcending, and walking through as it comes up, is the fear, and anxiety that I go into when and as I perceive that someone is angry at me.

This particular point seems to be a deeply ingrained pattern, and it must surely be remnant from my childhood, wherein I had some type of experience, in which I faced anger and then made an assessment of anger, that it’s something bad, and that I should fear it. At the moment I can’t see any specific memory, but this isn’t required, because the point is HERE, and thus I have all the information I require in order to work with it.

So, if I slow myself down, to look at the process of how I react, I can see that the actual trigger point is the voice, and the movements of another person, and that these points are usually stern, forceful, and hectic – moving fast – and that then makes me go into a automatic reaction of fear. I in-fact become suspicious of the other person, and place myself into the fear as a form of protection, believing that when I go into this fear, at least I am ready for the worst, and I am ready to “take the shit” if it would come.

Another fascinating aspect of this point, is that I experience it as if I have no choice. Through my mind I look at this automatic fear reaction as human nature and as such being something that I am not able to question, or change, because apparently it’s just “to ingrained” – though the obvious common sense here is that no baby is in-fact born with fear, or anxiety towards anger, and frustration; instead this is something that develops during the early formation of the childhood, which happens during the years of 1 to 7. So, even though I might experience this point as overwhelming, and as if I can’t change it, this is not so in-fact: and here I am also able to look at other points that I’ve walked, that have in the beginning as I decided to walk them, felt impossible, and simply to extensive – yet here I am, and I’ve already proven to myself that several of such “unchangeable” points in-facts subject to the decision to change, and that the key point in order to push such a change into reality is self-determined self-investigation, and then walking the decision until it’s done.

Why do I perceive anger to be such a scary, and bad point? Really, when looking at it there is no why – I’ve never even considered whether anger is a “dangerous” point so to speak, I’ve just accepted that “anger is dangerous” and as such it’s something that I ought to fear.

Actually, as I am writing here, I have a very distinct memory arise within me. It was during my childhood years, and it all played out with my hockey team. My team had just played a game, and one of the trainer’s son’s was dissatisfied with his performance, and he was whining, and be rebellious towards his father. Now, this father became extremely pissed off, and physically took and shook his son, and utilized and extremely loud voice in order to enforce his authority, and this was not a very cool experience at all. It looked very violent, and it created fear within me. So, within this I can see that what I fear with anger is this point of forceful brutality, this unpredictable decision to just harm, and to utilize overwhelming physical violence to get one’s way – that is what I fear with the nature of anger.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety when facing anger, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear unpredictability, and to fear being extensively physically harmed, and being shocked, and violently screamed at

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear physical violence, and to fear loud voices, and loud sounds, and immediately as I am faced with a situation of anger, and frustration, go into fear, and anxiety, because I experience myself as having no control, and as having no direction in the moment, because “anything can happen” – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself here, and to realize that fear, and anxiety will not help and assist me to stabilize myself, and direct the moment effectively, it will only contribute to me pacifying myself, and making decisions in self-interest, instead of common sense equality and oneness here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as I am faced with anger, as I am faced with loud sounds, fast, and forceful movements, to go into a state of panic, and fear – wherein I feel that I am loosing control, and I am loosing my stability – and that I must escape and hide into and as this fear in order to be able to protect myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in-fact – fear doesn’t have anything to do with loud voice, with violence, and with forceful, and brutal behavior – fear is in-fact a chemical mental reaction towards such points, and thus do not require to be a part of my reality, and a part of my experience in facing myself in such situations; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath, and realize that I am not fear – I am here – and I am the most effective when I accept and allow myself to be completely, and fully here – and direct myself in the moment without any form of mental barriers such as fear that is separating me from reality here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that immediately going into a fear reaction when facing anger, is not supporting me to walk through the moment, and direct the moment in stability here – but is instead serving the mind as generating energy, and is serving the mind as not walking solutions, but instead making my life to be about problems, and not about in-fact directing this physical reality into and as a point of solution; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath, and to face the moment of facing anger in stability here – realizing that I can’t in-fact loose myself unless I accept and allow it, and that really the point of control is an illusion, because there is no way I can in-fact control all the various outflows and consequences that exists within and as this reality at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath, and to push myself to be completely aware in walking through a moment of facing anger – aware implying that I am not accepting and allowing myself to become possessed, and controlled within and as a experience of fear, and anxiety – but that I am walking through the point here in physical equality in oneness, wherein I am in-fact seeing the other being, and seeing the physical condition of the other being, and seeing their mental state of being for what it is, and not layered within and as my own mental experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice seeing this physical reality directly, HERE – wherein I do not accept and allow myself to see what is here according to my own mental interpretations, and layer myself from reality through looking at things from a starting point of energy; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and to walk in my life, and in my reality without having, and creating any interpretations, but instead facing every moment as it is – with eyes that are not blinded with emotions and feelings – but instead with eyes that are clear, sharp, and precise in their seeing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear is really only showing to me that I’ve no clear understanding of what it is that I am facing, and as such I see that I’ve labeled anger as this “bad” point that must be avoided at all costs, and wherein I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to understand that actual nature of anger, the actual existence of anger, and to see, realize, and understand that most of the times, anger doesn’t lead to me being physically harmed, but that it’s instead more a experience that I find scare because the other person isn’t their usual self – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear something that in essence is harmless instead of realizing that this is not common sense – but fearing something that is harmless in-fact indicates that I’ve not give myself direction, and shown to myself what is common sense and what isn’t

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that me letting go of fear will make me vulnerable, and easy to attack, and that I might become harmed when and as I let go of fear; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear doesn’t in-fact protect me physically, and this is obvious because fear is in-fact a mental experience and something that holds no actual substance in this physical reality – as such it doesn’t work as a shield that I can put up before me, it’s just me going into a different state of being; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I won’t be more, or less protected in letting go of fear – I will simply be here and be able to deal with the moment without a reaction of and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear is disempowering me, because when and as I accept and allow myself to go into fear, and to interpret and face anger from a starting of fear, then I am completely shutting myself down from remaining here, and seeing solutions – because obviously there are solutions here but seeing those require me to be stable, and to not take things personally, and not go into and as a state of self-interest, and “my mental experience”

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fear, anxiety, and inferiority as I am facing a moment wherein I perceive that another is possessed with and as anger – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t require, and need to hold unto this experience, and that change is a possibility for me here – and that this change lies but a decision away; as such I commit myself to make the decision to change – and to push myself to walk through the moment in stability here – in physical self-awareness here – and to not be possessed by and through fear but to instead look for solutions – that are practical – effective and that are best for all

When and as I see that I am going into and as a state of fear, as taking what I perceive to be another’s anger, and frustration personally, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t need, and require this anger within me to be able to deal with, walk through, and effectively move myself through this particular moment – as such I commit myself to stabilize myself here – and to see reality direct here without layering a energy unto it as self-interest – but that I instead see HERE – and act HERE in seeing objectively and not making the moment to a subjective mental experience as “my experience”

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One thought on “Day 77: Giving Me The Evil Eye

  1. Pingback: Understanding Our Obsession with Being Beautiful and Attractive: DAY 243 | Anna's Journey to Life

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