Day 80: I Don’t Want To Be Alone!

Today as I woke up I had an experience of sadness in my solar plexus. The nature of the thoughts that came up In relation to this point was of the kind that “everything is meaningless” – “I am a looser” – “there is something wrong with me” – so I can see that this experience is something that have been triggered during the day before.

6a013488670c86970c013488679417970c-800wiSo, what I am able to see is that this is experience relates to loneliness, and it relates to the hope, and desire to be accepted, and popular among people – that’s the polarity; either I am accepted and I feel great – or I am not accepted and I feel like shit. This point of sadness is me going into the negative polarity of feeling like shit because I’ve not been able to interact with others sufficiently well to be able to promote the idea of myself within myself that “I am accepted” and “I am good enough”.

What I am also able to see is that in this sadness there exists competition, and comparison – because the nature of the thoughts will be directed towards others, that I deem to be very popular, and socially effective beings, my thoughts will go to those, and sort of point out how successful and good they are, and what a failure I am – and that I obviously should push myself to be more like them so that I don’t have to experience myself like a failure all the time.

The origin point of this experience is thus aloneness, and also self-acceptance – meaning that it’s these two points that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to get down, and realize that hey: it’s nothing bad to be alone, it’s completely normal, and that obviously it shouldn’t influence who I am in anyway – and also accepting myself that: I am not like others, I can’t thus compare myself with others and say that “I should be like them” – because I am myself, and thus I should instead ask myself, instead of asking “how can I be like others?” – “how can I assist and support myself to expand and express myself more effectively?” – within that bringing the focus back to myself instead of looking out there at what I perceive others to be doing.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by and as a experience of sadness as I wake up, as a feeling that I’ve not been able to make my life as successful that I’ve hoped I would, I’ve not able to get as many friends, to build as many contacts, to create a big enough network, and to establish myself as a popular, and likable person in others life’s; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress, and forget about myself, and to see, realize, and understand that I am not accepting and allowing myself to nurture myself, and to give to myself, as I’d like to receive – which would be that I look at how I can expand, and how I can make my day, and each breath that I take, to be a full expression and movement of myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become enveloped in sadness, and in feeling pity for myself, in that “I have not been able to experience this world as much as I’d like to” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hopes, expectations, and wants that my life is supposed to be this joyride of discovering new things, of opening up new adventures, and that there is something wrong in my life unless there is a constant feed of stimulation into my mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that obviously something isn’t per definition wrong the moment I don’t experience myself to be stimulated, and as if I am involved in a adventure; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice sticking with the physical – stick with what is real here – sticking with my breath, and physical movement – and realizing that everything else but that which is physically here is really but a delusion and not something of value and substance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that something is wrong when and as a I don’t feel stimulated, and when and as I don’t feel as if my world is expanding in the form of relationships, and in the form getting to know others; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my relationships, and my communications with others, perceptual – wherein the point only exists as a energy within me, wherein I feel happy, and energetically positive, and upwards, when and as I feel that others have given me attention, and I feel downwards, and depressed, when and as I feel that others simply do not care for me what so ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize my daily living through defining it as either being positive, or negative, wherein I will meet someone during my day, and speak with them, and then define that as positive, and then during some days, I won’t meet anyone, and then I will define that as a negative; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life, and my daily living a rollercoaster wherein I constantly feel either hyped up, or sad and dismissed; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice stabilizing myself here – and living HERE within and as the physical – within and as breath – within and as each and every moment, wherein I accept and allow myself to not try to make myself more than, or less than, but that I live without polarity in and as every moment fully with my physical body here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy, and content when I’ve during a day had many conversations, and meetings with other people, and then feel as I’ve “succeeded” and my life has become better, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the interactions I have with others, and to see myself as either being positively, or negatively charged, depending upon how I perceive that others see me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, and understand that there is a point called self-acceptance – meaning that I don’t have to become something for another, but that I am able to accept myself here and simply be myself, and within that not create any positive, or negative reactions – but that I am simply here in every moment and walk the points that open up here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to having some kind of energy within me that is able to dictate to me how I should experience myself, what I should do, what I should think about, and what I should worry about; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not establish the point of realizing that I don’t need this constant up-and-down living – meaning: energy is limited, and it’s not even the real me, it’s not even the real physical – it’s a system that at death will not exist anymore – thus obviously basing my life upon energy is completely ridiculous, as it’s implying that I don’t base my living on reality, but upon something that is in-fact only a illusion, and that only exists subjectively for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I have a negative experience, that this implies that there is something negative happening for real, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that a negative experience, is merely a negative experience and is nothing more than a negative experience, just a as a positive experience is nothing more but a positive experience – it’s simply energies and these energies obviously have nothing to do with actual physical living – these energies are simply the outflow consequence of not effectively understanding and applying the point of living HERE without a mind, and instead living as words as a physical expression of myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the assertions made in my head, that I should be more like people I perceive to be successful, happy, and sociable, that they are real – and that I can’t be complete, and I can’t be whole, and I can’t be satisfied with myself, unless I change myself, and get my “life together” so to speak – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the obvious common sense, which is that what goes on in my mind has zero relevance to factual, practical living – and that my mind is a machine deliberately installed to fuck up my relationship with my human physical body, and this physical existence – and that as such I can’t trust anything that moves in this machine, unless I’ve in full awareness actually decided to think a particular thought, because I understand what I am doing, and see that I in-fact require to utilize a moment to think about a particular point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that a reason I feel saddened, is because I’ve installed into my mind all these kinds of references as what a “effective” and “good” life is apparently, through watching TV-series – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is good when and as I have lot’s of friends, when and as I have “my purpose” so to speak perfectly aligned, and this purpose gives me a positive experience, and I am noticed for having this purpose, and people align with me to support me in my purpose; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with ME – ME – ME with MINE – MINE – MINE – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there exists more beings in this world, more points to consider than simply me – and that obviously life is not acceptable for real only because I experience myself positively charged in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the difference that exists between living in the physical, and living in the mind – because living in the physical is simply that: it’s me moving myself to do what you can do physically here – tending to my responsibilities, and my life and general, and then simply doing that without any reaction – while living in the mind is a constant experience of ups and downs – and either being more than, or less than, either succeeding, or failing; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not drop the complexity of my life as the mind – and to focus upon living simply – living simplicity – living and focusing upon making each and every breath a physically lived moment here

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a sadness, because I feel that I’ve not sufficiently been able to “get myself out there” and have me “be known” and “considered” by others – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within and as this particular way of living allowing myself to forget, and shut my eyes to what is in-fact real – to what is in-fact physical, distinguishable, touchable; as such I commit myself to breath and bring myself back here – and to walk as my human physical body – to walk simplicity of living in breath and to realize that when living becomes more than breath – more than walking here – then I am in my mind and not here

When and as I see that I go into a state of sadness, and I experience myself lost, and as if there is “nothing to live for” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that living through the mind implies that I am living for nothing, I mean, because all that matters is energy, and the final outcome of energy is that it seize to exist , and thus by implication I am living for nothing; as such I commit myself to live as the physical here – and stop my mind – stop participating in sadness, and feeling dissatisfied with myself, and bring myself back here – and live here – and realize that I’ve not ever accepted and allowed myself to live and walk HERE in my life because I’ve thought that it removes me from life as energy – instead of understanding that energy is not life and that living here with the physical is in-fact living here as life.

Enhanced by Zemanta
Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Day 80: I Don’t Want To Be Alone!

  1. Pingback: Dag 292: Det Ska Vara På Mitt Sätt.. | Viktor Persson

  2. Pingback: The Hauntings of My Soul | The Velvet Closet of a Lesbian

  3. Pingback: Dag 293: Anspänning | Viktor Persson

  4. Pingback: Day 82: Wrong, Wrong, Wrong! | Viktor Persson

  5. Pingback: Day 90: Pedophililia – A Constitutional Right? | Viktor Persson

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s