Recently as I’ve begun to write this terms paper in relation to my law-studies, I’ve begun to face more, and more anxiety, and fear, and this is particularly in relation to failing with the course, and not getting the best possible grade.
The reason this fear comes up is because of fear of the future, and it’s in relation to how I’ve dreamed up this particular idea of how well it should go for me in the future, what type of life I should have, and how me getting the best grade on all courses would allow me to get this particular life that I desire, and that I’ve imagined in my mind.
In essence, what I am able to see as the desire I have for my future is lot’s of money, and a easy life, a life where I can settle down and feel that I have stabilized myself effectively in the system, and thus nobody, and nothing can touch me, I am stable. So, it’s interesting that I am existing in a fear of the future, a fear of survival in essence, and my solution to this have been to try and acquire more money, to make it certain that I will be able make my dreams, and hopes of the future real – and within this the obvious point is forgotten; that I could give myself that point of being stable, and untouchable HERE – I don’t in-fact have to accomplish anything in this world, or acquire any particular position in the system to give myself this point of letting go of fear, letting go of anxiety, and letting go of the fear of survival.
I can also see that this fear isn’t only coming from fear of survival, it’s also coming from the fear of not being the best, and not succeeding in such a way that I am able to think of myself that I truly got out of the course, the best I could possibly get out of it. I don’t want to fail, because I don’t want others to think of me as being stupid, ineffective, and not capable.
What I find fascinating is how a small point like this is able to consume, and become my entire way of living, wherein my way of looking at things, and my way of interacting with this world becomes one-dimensional, as I lock into this one point in my mind, and I try and attempt to accomplish that one single point, forgetting that obviously, there are severely more important things to attend to in this world, than worrying about MY life, and MY desires, and MY hopes.
Isn’t this one of the reasons as to why this world is a complete shithole? We have all been preoccupied with only our own life’s to such an extent that we’ve not even bothered to pay attention to what is really going on in this world, and seeing that there is much, much more than only MY life, and MY desires, and MY hopes.
I see that this fear I hold unto can only exist when I hold unto a limited perspective, and way of viewing my life, wherein I define points like this, as what particular grade I will receive, as being a all-important, all-devouring point – and I do not push myself to see the greater picture of things, the global view, wherein people are without even the most basic necessities, the most basic points required to survive in this world; now that is a fucking problem – me getting a slightly lesser grade on a test – that is a luxury-problem and not something in-fact worthy of fearing, considering the misery and suffering that is really going on in this world on a massive level each and every day; thus the conclusion can be that when I stand on par with the real priorities of this existence – fear for my personal life can’t really exist, or at least not be as possessive in regards to these small, and in essence, completely unimportant points, such as whether I will receive the best grade, or the slightly lesser grade.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with MY life, with MY hopes, with MY interests, with MY ideas, with MY personal survival, and within this disregard, and completely overlook that there is an entire existence here, in-front of my eyes, that is in grave troubles, wherein people do not even have access to the most basic of necessities; and within this I see, realize, and understand that – sure – it’s important that I direct, and take responsibility for my personal world, and my personal survival, but within this I can’t accept and allow it to become a possession because then I miss that there is in-fact MORE than only my life, and my personal world, and my personal responsibilities, that also requires direction
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that one of the reasons as to why this world is in the condition that it is, is because we as humans tend to become possessed with our own life to such an extent that we view reality as a one-dimensional movie, that we name “MY life” – not realizing that there is really not such a thing as “MY life” – because obviously all humans are interconnected with each other, and thus what I do in MY life will echo through this world, and have an impact in this world; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the simple truth that “no man is an island” – and that this truth implies that I must motivate myself to act on behalf of all of humanity as creating a solution that is best for all, so that we do not anymore have to live in this existence of fear wherein we can’t even be sure to have access to the most basic living necessities
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with myself, in realizing and understand that, it won’t affect my life that much whether I will get the best grade, or the slightly lesser grade, and that really, the fear I experience is only a mind-job – wherein I imagine stuff in my mind, as how I want my life to be, and then fear that things will not turn out as I’ve imagined; instead of realizing that the primary point of importance in terms of my own life, is that I can assure my personal survival, so that I can walk this process, and contribute to a life that is best for all, and looking at my studies from that perspective, I see that there is really no use for fear, there is really no use for anxiety – because I will be able to place myself in effective money making position in the system, regardless of whether I get the best grades, or the slightly lesser grades
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I become overly concerned with my life, my hopes, my desires, my wishes, and my interests, this will affect my seeing of the world as a unit, and as a oneness, wherein I see that who I am in my daily life have an effect, and an impact on the whole; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here, and ground myself in the physical – and accept and allow my life to physical – meaning that I take decisions on the basis of giving life, and supporting life for all that is here in this physical reality, and not just to support my interests, desires, wishes, and fears, that come up as irrational thoughts in my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear to be my directive principle in my life, and to believe that fear is a benevolent energy that makes my life easier, and that sort of warns me when things are about to go astray, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest, and to see, realize, and understand that fear only makes me ineffective, and really have me compromise myself in my life, because when I am in fear, it’s obvious that I can’t be HERE and life effectively in this moment, with and as my human physical body, as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, bring myself back here – and to within this not accept and allow myself to be possessed by fear, but instead merge myself with the physical and remain within and as common sense, as what is best for all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I let go of fear, and instead start considering my world, my reality, and my responsibilities, from a physical, common sense starting point, that I might then completely loose myself in this world and reality, and not anymore be able to function effectively, because apparently fear is my trustworthy eyes, that shows me who I should be, what I should do, when I should do it, and why I should do it, and apparently I am completely helpless, and without any form of stability if I can’t go to my fear, and ask my fear “who should I be here?” – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and within this state that “I am my own authority as the physical here as common sense – and I don’t require fear to be effective in my life” – and as such I commit myself to not anymore accept and allow me to go to fear for guidance – but to remain with common sense – to remain with the physical – to remain with my breath and my human physical body here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that when I experience fear, that there is something that is wrong, and that there is something that might be about to go wrong, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear have no effective relationship with reality, and that as such fear is simply fear – and it has no deeper meaning to it that it being fear; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely upon fear, and use fear as my guide, and to believe that when fear comes up it must be because there is something I am missing; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here, and to simply let go of fear as it comes up, and stop myself from participating in it, and instead focus upon looking at reality with physical eyes – seeing the mathematical context of reality and making decisions in regards to physical points that I am able to see and prove to myself here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here, and within this accept and allow myself to let go of fear, and to realize, that really, being possessed with fear is a choice that I’ve made, and as such I am able to re-choose – re-align myself with and as the physical, and not anymore accept and allow myself to have fear be a part of my life; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not helpless to the experience of fear, and that I am not less than fear – it’s simply that I’ve made the decision to make fear my god, but within this I see that I am able to change this decision, and re-align myself with and as the physical – with and as that which is practical and within that obviously do not contain any form of energy as fear
When and as I see that I am going into fear in regards to points in my reality, that will have some type of effect on my future, and I start to fear that my future will not be what I’ve imagined, and hoped that it would be – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that fear is not making more effective in terms of realizing plans that I’ve made for the future, it merely makes go into a panic and loose my perspectives of what is important, and what isn’t – and what it is that I am here to do in this life; as such I commit myself to bring myself back here to and as the physical – to let go of the fear and start practically working with considering my life in a mathematical and practical context – because then no fear can possibly exist as fear derives it’s existence upon ideas that are not aligned with and as the physical
When and as I am seeing that I go into fear, and that my life suddenly has become this dance of fear, wherein all my actions, and decisions are born within and as fear, and I do this to protect my life, and my interests, and my desires, and my hopes – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that fear makes me loose perspective on what is important, on what the actual state is of my physical world, and as such I start making decisions, and start looking at things in a way that is ineffective, that is completely separated from the mechanics of this physical world and reality; as such I commit myself to align myself with and as the physical – to merge myself with the physical – and to practically do this through pushing myself to when I make decisions, and when I look at my future, do this in a practical, physical, and tangible context – wherein I consider the mathematics of this world and reality and not my experience thereof