Day 84: Decision Making, Reality, and Fear

decisions1Oh, future – yet again I find myself immersed in these reactions towards the future. So, the context is the following: I am sitting down studying – after a while I am able to see that I am done with my studies, and this would in common sense mean that I can leave that particular moment, and proceed to the next, because I’ve walked my first responsibility to completion, it’s done. But – this is where my fears will arise: “have I studied enough?” – “what if I’m not going to be prepared for the final test because I do not dedicate this particular time my studies?” – “Can I really let myself not study now, what is going to happen if I don’t?”.

What happens here is that I go into a fear of the future, and this fear is linked with job, money, and survival, because in my specific path of studies, grades are in a sense the primary point that will determine what job you’ll be able to get in the future – thus I fear for my survival, for my future ability to access money – my personal survival.

Why is it then that I’ve not thus far been able to let this point go? What compels me to hold unto this fear, and cling to it, and try to live by it, and be guided by it – what is it about fear that has me falling into the mind again, and again?

I would say that the answer to these questions lies in my upbringing and what I observed in my parents relationship to fear. Too both of my parents fear was real, it was valid, and it should be obeyed. If fear came up within oneself this was regarded as proof that something was out of alignment, something was wrong, and that something must changed in the external reality to remove this fear. Thus, I observed my parents and re-created their patterns as myself, and here I am, stuck with loads of fear that serve no practical purpose at all.

Why is it then that I’ve not been able to let go of this fear even though I know it doesn’t serve any practical purpose? I would say that this is because when fear comes up, I don’t accept and allow myself to look at points practically, and in common sense, I just look at the fear, and then I take this experience of fear and superimpose it unto my reality, and twist, and re-arrange my direct reality in such a way that it fits with my fears, so that they are justified. I mean, for example – the point of studying: the fear comes up when I consider to stop studying that “I’ve not studied enough” – herein I will instead of look at whether I’ve effectively completed my assignments, whether I’ve integrated all the relevant knowledge, look at what might go wrong in the future, look at what I might’ve forgotten, what I might’ve missed – and thus I look at that which is illusion instead of looking at what is here – practical – real – and measurable.

Thus, fear is really only possible in a state of delusion, because when I look at what is practically here – for example in relation to walking my exams, asking myself the question: “Have I effectively integrated the curriculum, or is there some points that I am still not effective, or certain within?” – then there is no fear, it’s instead a practical assessment of what is here – and within that I can simply answer the question I’ve asked myself, and then align myself to walk the solution accordingly – whereas when fear is involved it’s just problems, what if’s, uncertainties, points that are unknown, and no solutions what-so-ever in sight.

Solution is thus to focus upon practical measurable facts, and within that to assess my reality, and make a informed decision as a solution to walk the point in a way that will bring an effective outcome.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in terms of walking my practical daily life, to focus upon what I feel as fear, and look at my world through projecting my fantasies, my fears, my uncertainties unto reality, instead of looking at what is directly here, making a direct assessment, looking at what is practically required, needed, and then act accordingly; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself honor, and validate fear as my guidance in life, instead of utilizing common sense as what is best for all, and looking at what is practical, what will work, looking at what is the state of my world, looking at probabilities, and possibilities, and within that remove fear from the equation completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I don’t require, or need fear to be effective in directing myself in my daily life, and living – because what I need is in-fact only my human physical eyes, and my intellect, wherein I simply look at the state and condition of my world, and the look at the play-outs as the probabilities, and possibilities of where the current state of my world, and the movement of my world will bring me, and within that I don’t need fear, I simply need myself here – wherein I look at things objectively, without imposing any form of experience unto what is here – but simply looking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand, that I am no way able to trust my assessments of reality when these are done in fear, and anxiety, because what happens in these instances is that I take reality and superimpose my experience unto it, which will lead me to wrongly assess my world, wherein I will only see that which fuels my experience, and that which justifies my experience, and not see the actuality of what is here – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself, to see the actuality, the physical HERE – which is not fear-based, it’s not feeling-based – it’s not an experience – it’s merely seeing what is here and then within that enabling myself to make a decision that is in alignment with the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I’ve created such a relationship towards fear, that I believe fear is always valid, and that when I look at my future in a state of fear, that this shows me the correct state of things, and that looking at things in fear is a state of prevention, or caution, because I make everything some worse than they are, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how fear is really not helping me to see more clearly, it’s in-fact only making me misinterpret, and see things in such a light, that I am not able to effectively assess what is real, and what isn’t – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to and as this physical world, and reality – and within this stop fear and look at things practically, look at things in common sense, which don’t have any charge of fear to it – it’s simply me looking at things in common sense and then making a decision – so simple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is justified because my parents gave value to fear, and based their decisions upon fear, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, because the obvious common sense is that fear is not a real point, fear doesn’t in anyway measure reality, it doesn’t show me reality, it doesn’t give me a sound, clear, and precise view of reality, it’s just fear – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself from fear into this physical reality, wherein I as such look at things as they are, precisely as they are, looking at the facts, looking at what I am able to measure, look at what I am able to concretely see, and perceive with my senses, and within that cross-reference with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that even though I base my decisions upon fear, this will not make my decisions more effective, more cautionary, more precise, and more clear, because when I look at things in fear, I only see my fear, and not what is in-fact here as measurable physical aspects, and dimensions, and points, that do have a real physical influence upon me in my life, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to move myself into and as the physical, and look at my future, look at my responsibilities, look at what is that I require to walk, and require to implement, and require to move myself within, in order to create real solutions, real decisions that are in-fact effective, because I’ve considered all points, all probabilities, all possibilities, and not just my feelings, and fears, about a particular point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I give value to fear, and I consider fear in my decision making, then I forget reality, I forget the physical, I miss what is in-fact real, and this is a problem, because what has an actual influence upon my life, what is in-fact pertinent that I take into consideration in my decision making is reality – really my mind is not real because it doesn’t have a impact upon me on a physical level, but that on the other hand is the characteristic of this real physical world, with real physical consequences, real physical outflows, real physical movements; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not commit myself to become a physical living being that walk with what is real, and not with that which is illusion, and that at the end of the day, really doesn’t have a say in what is going to happen, or not happen in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I won’t achieve more, and I won’t get better, and I won’t become more effective in my life through considering fear in my decisions, what will happen is in-fact the opposite, because when I consider fear, I do not walk with reality – as real time physical outflows – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here to my human physical body, and focus upon expanding my real time effectiveness, my real time decision making abilities, to be able to make self-honest decisions that are in alignment with reality, and thus make myself more effective in my life, in being able to see, comprehend, and understand what it is that I require to do in order to make my life that which I see is best for me, and accordingly best for all

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am making a decision out of fear, or I am at the verge of making such a decision, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize, and understand that fear will not assist and support me to make an effective decision, fear will not prevent me from making mistakes, and it will not make more cautionary in my decision making, it will just serve to make my decision aligned with a illusion and thus not be a effective decision in terms of moving myself in this real physical life, and reality; as such I commit myself to change the way I look at things as I make my decisions, to look at physical measurable points, that I can touch, and that I can verify, and from within that make my decision, and assess my world, and as such make decisions that are aligned with and as reality – so that I am able to become, and be effective within and as my life, and living in reality

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One thought on “Day 84: Decision Making, Reality, and Fear

  1. Pingback: A Teacher’s Self-Education: DAY 53 | A Teacher's Journey

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