Day 91: Money, My Saviour?

I’ve noticed this tendency within myself to dream about who I should be, or should experience myself somewhere out there in the future – now what I’ve seen is that this tendency to dream is always in relation to money, and the underlying energy that fuels my dreams and thoughts of the future is a anxiety and a worry.

hand-over-the-money-sirWhat I’ve realized is that I’ve separated myself from expressions such as control and power, and have defined these words in relation to money – and within this created a belief that the only way I am able to find some form of stability in this life, find my power, my direction, that is through making sure that I have got lot’s of money – that my survival is secured and I know that no matter what happens I will have enough money to survive.

The consequence of me living and participating within and as this fear is that I limit myself extensively, and instead of my decisions being self-directed and based on common sense assessments – my decisions are based in fear – they are based in worry – and they are based on starting point of looking at how I am able to survive and get my hands on the money I think I require in order to live the words stability, power and control.

I also see that I’ve defined success in relation to money as equal to success in my life – meaning: that I believe that when I get lot’s of money I will also get lot’s of life, my life will be whole, fulfilled, and complete, because I managed to attain the money I needed and required. This is also a very limited belief and the consequence is that my life will not in anyway be about living, about me walking the process of birthing myself and the rest of this world to life, no – it will be about me acquiring money without any awareness – without any consideration for what is best for all – and that is a life of limitation.

I experience fear and worry as very convincing experiences and it’s fascinating that in the moment as they come up – especially when it’s related to the future and money – I will follow it and go with it without any question, suspicion, or resistance – I will just follow it and it takes me wherever it wants to – and I see that this must stop; I do not want to spend my existence being a follower of fear and accepting and allowing fear to make decisions for me – and accept and allow worry to make decisions for me – I want to make decisions in my life and within that be unconditional – wherein there is no fear – no worry – and no anxiety that controls my direction and movement in life – because I control and direct myself.

I’ve got a long process to go before I will be able to stand in such a unwavering point of stability but this is my commitment to myself – that I will patiently walk through my relationship to fear and correct my relationship to fear so that I can walk and stand in this lifetime fearless yet cautious and aware of the fact that this reality is a reality of consequence.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine, think about, and fantasize about a bright future in relation to money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define points such as stability, control, and power in relation to money – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to be stable – in order to be effective – in order to move myself in this world and be complete and fulfilled and stand whole in each and every moment – I require to have lot’s of money – lot’s of material possessions – lot’s of things around me that I can call my things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become completely lost within and as fear, worry and anxiety in relation to the future – existing in a state of petrification that I will not be able to get sufficient with money in the future in order to define myself as being successful – and a “good citizen” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the mind – as fear and worry – thinking – perceiving and believing that if I don’t hold unto this fear and make sure that I listen to this fear – then my life will become non-existent and I will not be able to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fear my rule of law – and believe fear – follow fear – and accept and allow fear to guide me when it comes up in relation to the future – and in relation to money; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself through this fear – and to realize that fear sucks – that fear is this complete enslavement mechanism that makes me passive – that makes me ineffective – and that creates consequences in my life in that I won’t ever in-fact live but only ever follow my fear – and listen to what my fear have to say

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in following my fear and accepting and allowing my fear to make decisions for me I am abdicating my power – I am abdicating my ability to control myself and my life – because instead of being here and directing myself I am accepting and allowing fear to be my direction – fear to be my movement forward – fear to be my guide and my teacher; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here and push and direct myself through this fear – to bring myself back here to that which is real and of actual substance and value – which is my physical direct reality here – my physical body here – that which really in-fact gives life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself into believing that money gives life when really it’s the human physical body that gives life – that makes life possible – that is life – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value money more than my human physical body – to value money more than my physical direct reality here – to value money more than in-fact living and participating here in each and every moment of breath; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to make a stand within and as myself – and walk through this anxiety and fear and realize that on the other side there is nothing to fear – because my fears are not real they are based on assumptions, based on interpretations, based on ideas, and not on what is in-fact here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear and to blame my external physical reality as being the cause of my fear – and thinking that this fear experience I have can’t stop because it’s apparently real – it’s apparently valid – and it’s apparently a part of my human nature to experience fear – and as such and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my fear and to realize that regardless of the state of my physical reality – I create fear – I stand as the origin and cause of fear – and that accordingly I require to take responsibility for my fear – I require to stop my fear – I require to direct and move myself through my fear and not anymore accept and allow myself to be at the mercy of such a limited energy as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of fear because I believe that fear will guide me to my dreams – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my dreams without question as apparently being real – as apparently having value – as apparently showing me a part of reality that I am able to get if I have sufficient with money; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with and as my human physical body HERE – with and as my breath HERE – to push myself to remain HERE in every moment and to not wander off in my mind – to not accept and allow the mind to take me for a spin in my head but that I instead remain here – physical – practical – direct – effective – and that I decide who I am and not fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let fear decide who I am – and to without question accept fear to decide who I am – and how I should experience myself – and to believe that it’s actually real what I am going through and that as such there is nothing I am able to do about it – as apparently this experience of fear is simply real and thus all I am able to do is follow it – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath and bring myself back here – and stop this following pattern – wanting to become – wanting to be – wanting to be guided by this fear – and instead develop myself HERE and walk breath by breath in every moment and not accept and allow fear to be the principle by which I live and direct myself

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fear in relation to the future, or in relation to money – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this fear is sucking the life out of me – and that it’s not even real, cohesive and actual – it’s simply a energy that comes up within me demanding my attention; as such I commit myself to breath through this energy – to breath through the imaginations of the mind – the dreams – and the hopes and to instead be HERE with and as my human physical body – with my breath – with my physical heart-beat – with that which is real – and I commit myself to live moment by moment and create my future HERE in every moment of breath – and not from within and as a starting point of fear from my mind

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4 thoughts on “Day 91: Money, My Saviour?

  1. Pingback: Day 92: Security and Safety | Viktor Persson

  2. Pingback: Faith | Quality of Life Ministries

  3. Pingback: Day 93: The Consequences of Fear | Viktor Persson

  4. Pingback: Day 95: Discipline and Motivation as a Decision | Viktor Persson

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