Day 94: Achieving More Than Myself

goalToday I received the grades of a paper that I’d written some time ago, and within that I experienced a disappointment because I felt that the grades wasn’t good enough. Thus, I reacted and defined myself according a point in my external reality and thus I limited myself, believing that I require something separate from me in order to stand within myself – accept, value and love myself – this relates to the character I’ve been walking in recent blogs as the career – money – and survival character, thus I will be looking more closely at this reaction.

Firstly, why did I react in disappointment?

Well, I expected more from myself, I desired to have that top grade because that would mean I am apparently special, a winner, and that I would in the future be able to get a better job. So, in essence – what I am able to see is that my reaction of disappointment is a polarity reaction of the potential experience of success, fulfillment and achievement – a point that I desire to experience in my life.

Why is it then that I desire to experience success and achievement?

I see that this relates to my idea of myself in relation to value, I define my value according to how much I win, how much I am able to achieve in comparison with others – and thus I in-fact make decisions in my life not from a starting point of what is best for me, or best for all, but according to how I can place myself in a position wherein I am able to feel like a winner – which is obviously very limiting to say the least.

Why is it that I can’t allow myself to be satisfied with myself, and accept myself without me being a success and a high achiever “out there”?

I see that I’ve defined the external, “outside there” world as being more than me – somehow that world out there is the only real world that exist and what I think, who I am, that seemingly doesn’t matter in anyway what-so-ever – the only thing that matters is what others think about – and only through becoming someone in the eyes of others will I apparently be able to accept myself.

How come I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to change this, and within that will myself to accept, love, and really appreciate myself?

It’s fascinating – I see it as something that is impossible, apparently I can’t accept myself, love myself, and appreciate myself if nobody else thus it, because seemingly who I am isn’t worth anything, is of no substance and relevance unless there is someone else validating me and giving me some kind of feedback that – “you’re enough” – “you’re the best” – “you can do it

What I want is to change this point so that I can walk in this world but not be of this world – I do not want to have my experience of myself change each and every time I face difficulties in my external world – I instead want to stand unwavering – stable – certain – the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow – being flexible and aware – ready to act – ready to decide – ready to change – ready to move myself – and not in this state of fear all of the time as to what others might or might not think about me; thus – I want to be able to live this life FOR myself in the sense that I make decisions that are best on my own self-honest assessment as to what is best for all – and not according to how I believe I am seen and interpreted by others.

The fact that I react to what grade I receive in school indicates that there is a big problem – this shows that I do not in-fact value and appreciate myself – because if I’d actually valued and appreciated myself UNCONDITIONALLY – I’d simply be stable in receiving my grades – stable and able to see what mistakes I did and then within that simply move myself to correct myself – ABLE – STABLE – UNWAVERING – HERE – EFFECTIVE; thus this is what I commit myself to create myself as in this life – to be able to stand stable regardless of what I face – and to walk through this education as a point of practicality – to get a job in the system from a starting point of practicality – and not see it as something that defines me.

It’s DONE – let’s walk self-forgiveness

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself according to money, to value myself according to grades, to value myself according to what I perceive others think of my, to value myself according to status, to value myself according to how much attention I receive, to value myself according to whether I perceive others like me or not, to value myself according to what job I have – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand unconditional as self-value – as myself – to not accept and allow myself to limit myself through defining myself according to the external points I face in my world – but to stand here – stable – and walk my life from a starting point of practicality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick with what is practical – to realize that in essence my education is practical – a job in the system is practical – to write a paper is practical – to receive grades on a paper is practical – and thus it doesn’t have to in anyway define who I am – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through defining myself according to what value I perceive I have in the system as money; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sell myself out to money – to sell myself out to “becoming something” – to sell myself out to “being something” – instead of accepting and allowing myself to LIVE HERE – to realize that real life – real expression – real substance – is HERE and is not to be found in money – career – job – excellent grades – but is to be found HERE with and as myself in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give upon myself through giving myself over to money – through giving myself over to the system and accepting and allowing the system to assign me a value, a number, a experience – to assign and tell me who I am; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up within and as myself – take a breath – and state that I am here and that I will not accept and allow myself to in anyway compromise and sell myself out – I will stand and walk here with myself and regardless of where I end up in this system I will value myself – and appreciate myself – and stand by myself unconditionally – I commit myself to not anymore compromise myself through defining myself according to money – I instead stand here for and as LIFE as what is best for all – realizing that I will but be in this system for a while – in this particular position for a while – and this doesn’t define me – because I am HERE as LIFE – and that is not able to be limited and defined through money and position and stature

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through holding unto my relationship with money as thinking that money defines who I am, money gives me value, money gives me reason, my gives me purpose – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for acceptance and love within money – within feeling and experiencing myself as being accepted by the system – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself – to shun myself – to shame myself – to forget myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to make the decision to value myself – to appreciate myself – and to unconditionally let go of my relationship to the system as believing that this current money system defines WHO I AM – defines WHAT I AM – and thus I commit myself to instead define and create myself in each and every moment of breath HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that what I extent I am accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when I give myself purpose through money, through thinking that what creates me is the system, that what gives me purpose and meaning is the system – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to and as my human physical body and make the decision to change myself – make the decision to anymore be a slave to money but to instead stand self-directed – self-motivated – self-moved here – and not anymore accept and allow my life to be driven – motivated – and directed by me trying to become someone and something in the eyes of the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in hope of becoming accepted and recognized by the money system – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how I am through giving myself over to money, to jobs, and career – as allowing these points to define who I am – giving up on myself as life – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the commit to be unconditional with myself – to remain innocent in walking in this system as not accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to money – to define myself according to stature – and to define myself according to position – but that I instead accept and allow myself to unconditionally, without purpose, without reason – value and appreciate myself – and to stand as this point regardless of how or where I stand within this current system – and that I as such stand as LIFE – that I am as such universal and not only caught up in my personal life experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of this desire and want to become somebody in the eyes of the system – to achieve a life and a living that is in the eyes of the system considered to be desirable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally accept myself HERE and live myself HERE – and wake up each and everyday stable – consistent – here – standing one and equal with and as the physical – wherein I am not trying and attempting to become more than the physical – I am not trying and attempting to be less than the physical – but that I simply stand HERE – walk HERE – apply myself HERE – and thus I stand here as one breath – as one movement – unified – one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back into and as my human physical body – to re-instate myself here with and as my direct physical – to re-integrate myself here and realize that what goes on in my mind as experiences is not real – is not the actual physical expressing itself but is merely what I have accepted and allowed to be the physical – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and within this stop following energy in the mind – stop defining myself according to grades and jobs and careers – and let that entire point go – realizing that nothing will in-fact flow from such a point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I am able to give myself value, that I don’t require money to give value – that I don’t need somebody else to confirm to me that I am good enough – that this idea that I need another is simply a illusion – is in-fact a excuse for me to not stand up within and as myself – within and as my human physical body and apply myself – and walk myself out of my mind and into and as this direct physical hereness – wherein I am simply here and I walk through my life as the practical points that my life consists of – and not as a state of reaction believing that what occurs and happens in my life must define me; as such I commit myself to stop this pattern of following the mind – following reactions – and believing that I can’t change myself – and I instead commit myself to change – to birth myself HERE as life from the physical and stop this giving up in believing that I am not good enough to accept and value myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I must make the decision, and bring the decision into practical life living – that I do not anymore accept and allow myself to define myself, my existence, and my life according to money, according to career – according to the idea of what a successful life is – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take myself back here to and as breath – to and as my human physical body – and re-instate myself here – walking value as myself here and realizing that when I receive bad grades – that this doesn’t define who I am – that I am here as the physical and that these bad grades are merely a point of practicality that I am able to change and direct

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I value myself according to job, career, money, and future – according to how I perceive myself to be seen in the eyes of the system – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to stop compromising myself through giving into and believing that my external reality defines who I am – and I commit myself to instead stand unconditional here in each and every moment of breath – to stand stable and steadfast here and not accept and allow myself to in anyway waver – or react – or become emotional due to money, or due to where I am in the system – neither positively or negatively – I simply walk here practically – I am here

 

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3 thoughts on “Day 94: Achieving More Than Myself

  1. Pingback: Day 97: Physical Decision Making | Viktor Persson

  2. Pingback: One Event - Several Reactions and Multiple Dimensions: DAY 252 | Anna's Journey to Life

  3. Pingback: First Monday in January - The Most Depressing Day of the Year: DAY 253 | Anna's Journey to Life

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