Day 99: The Decision To Care

I am going to work with a point of anger that has come up within me today. It was triggered by a situation in which I perceived that a particular individual was compromising himself or herself by being apathetic and complacent about their life. The exact trigger point I would say was the point of indifference that I perceived another lived out.

I’ve now looked at this point of indifference, apathy, and complacency, to see why it is that I react towards this particular point in anger. What I am able to see is that I, firstly, judge this point – I see it as horrible, and I’ve also seen myself as in a way having moved past this particular way of living, and thus become better than apathy and complacency. Secondly, I see that apathy and complacency is still something that exists within me, not so much anymore in relation to the point of laziness, but more as a point of inner attitude towards walking my process, towards walking the point of establishing a system of life in this world – I can see that I am holding unto a point of believing that “there is no use to it” – this is the underlying self-acceptance I have, and then my decision to walk change in this world is contaminated with this underlying acceptance, which has the consequence that I do not walk completely, I do not walk fully – because “what’s the use anyhow?”.

Another point I see within this is that I’ve used judgment in order to veil me from seeing this underlying acceptance of indifference and complacency – I’ve through judgment been able to take my attention away from having to change myself, and I’ve instead made myself to focus on the judgment, to focus on the anger, to focus on “how bad it is” – instead of looking at how to practically and physically change this acceptance, so that I can accept and allow myself to walk fully, this point of self-change that I’ve committed myself to in this life.

The anger is thus a veil and not the real issue; it’s the point coming up within me saying, “hey focus on me! Don’t look any deeper into this, just focus on me” – and it’s interesting how well this diversion tactic has worked for me, so that I wouldn’t have to ask myself to tough questions – and that question is in essence, can I say that I do really care? That I am passionate? That I am compassionate? I mean, do I each day as I wake up stand with those words, and walk those words practically through making sure that my day, and the breaths I breathe during my day will be a contribution to a world that is best for all?

At this moment I can’t answer yes to those questions, which is main problem – it’s obvious that if I want change I must learn to care, be compassionate, and passionate about such a change, to such a degree that I push myself to walk whatever is required for me to walk in order to get this done.

The solution is thus to look at how I am able to start caring for myself, and for my world, what would it practically entail, how is it that I can practically implement this words This point I am going walk in the next blog.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not implement and walk the words of passion, compassion and care practically, and physically in my world, to define these words for myself, and practice to walk these words physically and practically in my world – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead accept myself as apathetic and complacent towards walking self-change in this world, towards walking within the principle of manifesting, and creating a new world, and a new reality, and a new me that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow the acceptance within me that “there is nothing I can do” – and think/believe that “whatever I do it won’t have an effect” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how I am limiting myself, holding myself back, and compromising myself within holding unto such a limited view of myself in relation to change – believing that change can’t happen, while it’s obvious that change can happen – I mean, I’ve created myself as I exist today, then it’s common sense that I can create myself into a better and superior version of myself that is kind to all life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto the acceptance that I can’t change, that I can’t move, that I can’t direct, that I can’t push myself to go beyond my limitations, beyond my ideas of what I believe I am capable off, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept myself as limited, instead of questioning my acceptances, and not accepting and allowing myself simply remain and hold unto acceptances that are obviously not effective, and that doesn’t support me, neither support life as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and let go of this acceptance, and allow myself to re-design myself as the words of care, compassion, and passion, and define for myself how I am able to live these words practically in my world – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I decide what I will live, what I will accept and what I will allow, and that thus; real passion is a decision, real care is a decision, real compassion is a decision, it’s not something that happens because of a feeling, it’s something that I move myself to live as, I decide for myself to stand as and walk as; and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for passion, compassion and care to “happen” to me – instead of me directively making the decision to create myself as passion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for myself that I will one day begin to care, that I will one day become passionate, and within that points are going to move, not seeing, realizing, and understanding that passion, that care, that these are decisions, and that they are not something I am born with, they are not something I experience, they are not something that are “just here” – but they are something that I must actively and willfully create – because such is the nature of existence, that I do in-fact decide what is here, I create myself, and I create my reality in every moment of breath – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take on the responsibility of self-creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that suddenly, one day, I will begin to care for myself, I will begin to feel compassionate for myself, I will begin to feel passion towards the point of walking for, and committing myself to, and dedicating myself to self-change – not seeing, realizing and understanding how this is not so – that nothing will happen unless I make it happen; I mean this principle is obvious in all aspects of life – that unless I make the decision, and I walk the decision, and I stick to the decision, nothing will happen; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to care for myself, be compassionate, to be passionate, and to walk this self-directed, without energy, without anything moving me, but myself as a decision, as living breath, as the living word

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how I’ve used anger and judgment in order to cover up for myself the simple common sense, that if I want to change, I must make the decision to change – that if I want to have a different experience of myself – I must create that experience of myself – that if I want to have a different life – I must create that different life; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that waiting for change is the same as giving up, and that it’s really a illusion to wait for change, because change will not ever manifest unless I make the self-directed decision to manifest and create change as myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it’s complete self-abdication to wait for some form of stimulation to move me to take action, and it’s also completely absurd, because stimulation obviously only occurs towards points that I supposedly “like” – but the fact is that I tend to not ever like things that are effective for me, that work for me, and that do have an outflow that is best for all – and thus to trust stimulation to move me is like shooting myself in the foot – and I mean, I don’t need stimulation to move me, I only need common sense, my human physical body, and then a directive decision, and then I move – it’s so simple that a baby can do it, and does do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not comprehend and realize the power of decisions, and to understand that energy is limitation and that all I require to master is the process and walking of decisions – I mean, because I don’t require a energy to get things moving, I don’t require a stimuli to get things in place – I simply require me here making a decision and then walking that decision; my body is showing to my everyday how to walk without stimulation, my body doesn’t need a energy to beat the heart, or grow the fingernails, or sweat – my body simply do it – it looks at what is here, makes a decision, and walks the decision – so simple – so easy – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not learn from my body and realize that my current way of living as looking at what stimulates me is completely limited, and only have the outflow that I make decisions that are not best for all

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am waiting for myself to move, waiting for myself to become passionate, compassionate, and caring – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I am waiting for will never happen, simply because the mind doesn’t function like that – and it’s obvious that I can’t trust stimuli to be the director of me in life as my movement will be totally inconsistent, erratic and unpredictable; as such I commit myself to make physical decisions and to walk these decisions – to make the decision to care, to make the decision to consider, to make the decision to be passionate – and not within this need anything more but my decision in order for me to move, motivate myself and walk

When and as I see that I am in terms of making decisions, looking for a particular stimuli as a nice feeling that I can use in order to guide me in life, in making a decision that I will supposedly like, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I can’t obviously trust this particular point moving myself in relation to “what I like” – simply because it’s untrustworthy, and doesn’t have anything to do with what is practical, with is necessary and what is common sense; as such I commit myself to move and apply myself with and as what is common sense – what is practical – what is necessary – what I see must be done – and not move myself according to what I feel and experience

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One thought on “Day 99: The Decision To Care

  1. Pingback: Day 109: Living Up To My Ideals | Viktor Persson

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