Day 100: Stop The Fear

After having studied for my exams today I experienced myself physically tired and exhausted and I am sure that this has something to do with who I am within my studies, how I study, in what state of presence and mind I am when it is that I am studying.

What I can see is that I am often going into a stress and nervousness, and the mechanics of this is quite simple, is that I project myself into the future, look at how much I think I have to do, read, and study, then go into a fear that I won’t be able to do all of these tasks that I’ve projected into the future, and that accordingly this will cause me to fail on my exam.

Another interesting point that relates to this is how I tend to want to study more, take more courses, take more educations, and when I look at where this is coming from, I can see that also this is arising from a sense of fear, a sense of panic and anxiety, wherein I will do everything I can possibly do in order to ensure my security, and my financial stability. It’s really quite absurd, because in walking and applying myself in this stress and anxiety, what I am doing is that I am really destroying my physical body, creating harmful consequences for myself, and in a way, this way of living will result in me becoming “burned out” so to speak, or “walking into the wall” – wherein I simply push to hard without considering that I must actually tend to, and listen to my physical body, and that it’s simply detrimental to go into anxiety, and fear to and towards the various challenges and hoops one face in this worlds, wherein exams are one of those.

The point I must continue to work with is thus fear of survival, and I must within this push myself to be much more specific, because it’s obvious that I create these experiences of myself through participating in thoughts, yet at the moment these thoughts are not clearly defined and visible for me, they move to fast, so I must slow down, breath, and look at exactly what it is that I am creating within myself that leads to me placing myself in a experience of possession.

What I also see is that I can support myself physically to not go into this state of being through allowing myself to take a walk, go and swim, or go to the gym – wherein I instead of being in this state of running, allow myself to physically slow down, and just be HERE with my body, and another point that can assist with this is to listen to classical music when I study, so that I slow down, and that I am not in this possession when I am applying myself in my world, because that is what gets to me.

Thus, it’s time I commence operation slowing down, and I mean, this relates to my last blog, where I said I would expand more on how to live the word CARE practically and physically, because doing this for myself, is living real care – because I see what I and my body require, and I act upon that, thus caring for myself and my human physical body – and that is where my care my start – with myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a perpetual state of running through life, wherein I am running towards something as a point of success, as a point of being more than, as a point of being better than, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this state of trying to get through, trying to move myself to something, become something, excel in something, instead of accepting and allowing myself to remain HERE within and as my human physical body, and excel in that which matters, which is amongst other things to care for myself in real physical time – which implies that I slow down, that I don’t accept and allow myself to stress, to be nervous, to be anxious, and to be fearful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a constant state of stress, of pushing myself through life as a way of trying to achieve some form of greatness that I believe I must reach, as a point that I’ve created in my mind – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how me pushing for this particular point isn’t effective, and that I am doing it from a starting point of stress, anxiousness and fear – and that I am within this not considering, listening to or caring for my human physical body in anyway whatsoever – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and commit myself to stop running around in my mind, trying to reach something, or become something, or be something, to instead be here in every moment of breath – and to walk my day within and as the physical here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself through life from a starting point of fear and anxiety, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become numb to life, and to separate myself from life, wherein I constantly and continuously exist within and as this state of inferiority and feeling that I am inferior to life, and that I thus must prove myself to life, I must become something valid and worthy in the eyes of life before I am able to accept myself and recognize myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and to unconditionally allow myself to be here within and as my body, to realize that I am chasing ghosts in my mind and in that processing I am in fact destroying my body, which is my life support, which is the point that allows me to be here in this physical reality and experience this world and this moment of breath here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define going out for a walk, going to the gym, or going swimming as a waste of time, because then I am apparently not producing anything that is of apparent worth, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my definition of worth to be only in relation to money, and in relation to making something out of myself in this system wherein I can be seen by others as special, as unique, as perfect – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here, and accept and allow myself to stop chasing for something – and too realize that I am able to walk and take on points in the system, but that this doesn’t define who I am – because I am here – and I walk within and as the physical and I don’t walk in this state of stress and anxiety as that is simply not a valid way to live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for, and desire, and want to acquire and retain a position in the matrix of being regarded as superior, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of constant stress and anxiety that I won’t be able to reach and attain and withhold such a position in the system, and that accordingly my life will be boring, it will be without passion, it will be without heat, it will simply be a daily routine of walking through my life and doing nothing what-so-ever – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and within this accept and allow myself to unconditionally stop this stress, to realize that this idea that I must attain a position, it’s a falsity, it’s a creation of my mind and not a actual reality of physical living – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live HERE – and commit myself to make life a expression of here where I do regard my body as the living breathing entity that it in-fact is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with my plans for the future in relation to career and money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of whether or whether not I will achieve a so to speak, “successful” career – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be competitive, and try to win over others, and attempt and try to defeat others, in the belief that the only way I able to gain respect and recognition in this world is through being seen by others as majestic, powerful, effective, and strong and above the normal – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath and to bring myself back here to and as my human physical body and remove this anxiety, this fear, this nervousness that I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, and realize that I don’t require to for me to be stable – here with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in this current day and age, to be successful is not a sign of who you are as a human being, it’s all about luck, and it’s all about where you’re born, as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to impress upon, and try to win and prove myself in this world through getting the perfect job, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is obviously not the way to go, and that in doing this, I will simply miss out on myself, and spend my life in fear and attempting to become, instead of realizing that I can take a breath, and bring myself back here, and within that accept and allow myself to stop searching to find myself here, and be kind to myself here, and physically care for myself and human physically body here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I can align myself within and as the understanding that I can walk in this world, but not be of this world – I can make decisions, and walk my process of getting a job, of finishing my education, of getting a career, but not in anyway allowing this to define who I am; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally align myself within and as this realization – that I can accept and allow myself to let go of my fears – and live here – because fear sucks practically speaking

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into this stress, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand how ridiculous it is that I am fearing my future, that I am fearing what grades I will receive, that I am living in fear, because I mean, what’s the point of living if all I am doing is to fear; as such I commit myself to laugh and to simply take a breath, and shake this fear of and take myself into and as my human physical body

When and as I see that I go into anxiety, fear of the future, and I notice how I become all pumped up within myself because I exist within and as this extreme fear, panicky feeling, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand how ridiculous it is to exist within and as this state of panic and fear – because obviously it doesn’t do anything for me what-so-ever – and thus I commit myself to laugh and to simply myself back here, because I won’t accept and allow myself to live out my life in fear of the future, as I instead will live my life fully in every moment of breath in stability, certainty and self-trust

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8 thoughts on “Day 100: Stop The Fear

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