To continue on yesterday’s topic, which was about me about to write my exams, and within that having an experience of nervousness. Thus, today I listened to a fascinating interview (here you can find it) about “Letting go” and how this is something we tend to, not do, because we want to have control.
It was explained that we desire to control things because in essence there is a want involved, something we desire and believe we must have in order to be content with ourselves, which is a point of stimulus, a point of response. Thus, we seek to control a point, because we want response, thus looking at this in relation to my education, I am able to see that the specific want I am looking for, the specific response, is to be recognized in the system as a effective and successful person – and this is something I want because it means I will be in the center of attention, I will have people in my world look at me, admire me, and respect me because I have that particular job or career, in essence a form of fame.
I am also able to see this in terms of the future projections that from time to time come up within me, that it’s always about me in some career path, or future, where I’ve gotten ahead, I am the best, I am the winner – I got the coolest job, the coolest clothes, the coolest hairstyle, I am that person everyone desire to be; intelligent, cool, smooth, elegant and stylish – so it’s fascinating that I am creating this tension within me as wanting to control my education for me to be able to ascertain that I will reach and get an hold of this want.
What was also mentioned in this interview, was how it’s possible to change this perspective of looking at things, to realize that what is able to be lost, is really in-fact not real to begin with – and that instead of running around fearing what might be lost, we can instead live and direct points HERE in every breath; because the point to realize is that HERE can’t be lost – we can’t loose ourselves so to speak as we are always undoubtedly HERE (more or less) and thus able to direct what is here.
It’s quite obvious thus, that I must accept and allow myself to fully and completely let go of this want, because it compromises me, as I am within holding unto this want, really placing myself in a experience and position of constant fear – constant tension – constant restlessness – and the solution is thus to embrace physical living fully and completely – to realize that I don’t need these dreams, these wants, these projections, because I am here – thus I simply direct what is here according to what is here – nothing more is really in-fact required – simplicity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a want and desire to be stimulated and to have a particular response from others wherein I am given a value by others, I am admired by others, I am desired by others, I am wanted by others, I am respected and loved by others; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself, and compromise myself in my daily physical living, through holding unto this desire – this want; believing that I must control myself, and tightly hold unto this point within, else I will loose it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what I am able to loose is not real to begin with, thus the fact that I fear loosing having a particular response from others, proves that this is not real and that it’s merely a mind-experience that I am searching for, and desiring to have in my life, within the belief that this somehow makes me more then, and give my life some type of meaning or value; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body and unconditionally release myself from this self-compromising patterning, realizing that when I let go of want – I will in-fact expand and be able to deal with my life much more effectively
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through holding unto a want of wanting a response from others, as hearing them say that I’ve lived a “good life” – that I’ve “done well” – that I’ve “been effective” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of tightness and fear as attempting and trying to control that I have the future that I desire, as being able to manifest my wants, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that my wants are not even real – that they are not practical and physical – that are in-fact unpredictable, uncertain and temporary – as me being able to manifest them implies that I have a short burst of a positive experience and nothing more – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and to bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and unconditionally release myself from, and let go of my anxieties, my fears, and therein also my wants and desires
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to live without wants and desires, to realize that I won’t loose myself by letting go of wants and desires – that it’s obvious that life isn’t built up around wants and desires, because these points can only exist in separation from life, in some emotional experience in my mind – in some type of quasi-reality that is only made up out of energy, that feels as if it is real, but looking at it from a physical perspective, it doesn’t in-fact exist; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be fully and wholly physical – to be fully and wholly here in every moment – to push myself to take that breath, and the next breath, and the next breath in full awareness, not accepting and allowing myself to live out a single moment of my existence in my mind – but to instead live HERE
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for the response in others as being seen as famous, as being seen as desirable, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my life trying and attempting to reach these experiences, to really, live my life from a starting point of hoping to manifest my self-interest, my hopes, my desires, my wishes, my dreams, instead of pushing myself to live and participate HERE in practical physical reality, wherein I am here, I make my decisions here, I look at what is practical, what is relevant, and what is common sense and live from that starting point – a practical starting point – and not a emotional starting point of looking at life from a experience perspective
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason I become fearful of not making my exams, is because there is a secret want within me, a secret hope, a secret to have the life of my dreams, as the hope to be recognized, seen, valued and loved – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this state of a constant searching, of a constant attempting and trying to control my future so that it will end up becoming what I hope it will be, instead of accepting and allowing myself to take a breath, and bring myself back here – and realize the life is HERE – reality is HERE – what is of actual value and substance is HERE and it’s waiting for me to make the decision to live and apply myself HERE; as such I commit myself to let go of my mind-based control-living – and instead trust myself that I will direct what comes up here – I will move what comes up here – I will make decisions that are effective according to what comes up here
When and as I see myself go into tension and fear, as wanting to control my future, as maintaining and attempting to create a future where I manifest my wants, as having a response from others, as others recognizing me, giving me attention, look at me as being effective, and cool, and successful – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this want is limiting me, that I am limiting myself through holding unto control, and that what I am trying to hold unto and create is in-fact merely a illusion, a dream, a hope – and nothing real in-fact; as such I commit myself to let go of all hope, all want, all desire – to let go of my future – and to instead bring my future here – to create it in every moment of breath as an expression of myself – as me moving and directing myself here as the point come up
I commit myself to not want a response from others, as receiving attention and being admired – I commit myself to instead live HERE – to end the want as self-interest and realize that it’s of no worth, value or substance – it’s merely a mind-illusion as entertainment, and it has nothing real to it at all – thus I commit myself to practice and push myself to live completely physical here in every moment – and within that not have a want – but living fully and completely HERE