Today I got a call wherein I was invited to a job-interview at a particularly renowned employer. As I received this call I reacted in nervousness and fear, and I could see how I was beginning to project fears as well as hopes in regards to what might happen in the future in terms of my career.
What I am able to see in the nature of the thoughts is that I am placing value outside of myself, and I evaluate myself according to status and position in the system, wherein apparently if I attain a good job, I am good, and if I attain a bad job, I am bad – and this point I’ve walked through in subsequent blogs but in relation to my exams – though the same principle applies here.
I would say that this is one of my primary programs, the desire to become something for someone out there, the desire to get recognition, be seen, and be noticed – and through my life this has taken on many shapes and forms but the primary origin point has remained the same – that I want to become something, and prove myself.
I’ve recently read a fascinating book, discussing the psychology of human beings, and in particular how to be liked by others – now it’s interesting that one of the points that are pushed is that, in order to be liked by others, you have to give them recognition, you must show them that they are important – fascinating isn’t it? I mean, is it so that we’re all walking around in this life, attempting and trying to be approved by those around us? Attempting and trying to gain some form of response from those around us, and believing that when we achieve this positive response, we apparently gain value?
Another interesting point mentioned in this book was how people build their self-esteem according to their status in the system, and as such it’s much easier to be accident harm the ego of a low wage menial worker, than for example of big shot CEO – because the big shot CEO has got higher thoughts of himself and aren’t as easily wounded. So, this would then imply that our self-esteem is built up in relationship to how much money we’re making – I mean, isn’t this as well absolutely fascinating? That we build the character of ourselves based on how much money, and what type of position we’re able to achieve in this world, and then basing our entire expression, and movement of ourselves on this idea?
Obviously this limited to the utmost extent, and often it’s men that tend to limit themselves through defining themselves in relation to their career, and their choice of profession, shown by the fact that there are so many men becoming depressed, and taking their lives, when they do not have a job and no access to money through a salary.
Thus, what I see I must do is to push this point of standing in the system but not being of the system – getting a effective job in the system but not defining myself according to the job – making sure I have a stable access to money but not defining myself in relationship to the money – thus walking in this world but not being of this world; it’s really such simple common sense yet still hard to put in practical application due to the severe brainwashing I’ve gone through in my life.
Also, it’s interesting to see, that when this type of self-definition exists, fear comes as a consequence, because now one fear to loose one’s self-definition, fear to loose that job because who would one be without it? To be really effective in this world, it’s required that this limitation is released – so that one can make practical effective decisions here without going into any form of fear and anxiety – being HERE and remaining practical – NOT walking through the mind and being at all times lost and possessed in various preoccupying fear experiences – because fear SUCKS – literally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I get a job at a renowned company, I will increase in worth, and become more than what I’ve been before – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the job I have, or the job I am about to get – and to believe that the amount of money I make defines who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not release myself from, and remove any and all emotional attachments that I have towards money, towards employment, towards position, and status in this system, and to see, realize and understand that only in unconditionally letting go of this point, and allowing myself to become stable in all contexts and in all situations, with not a single movement within me, wherein I am able to have any job, and have any form of money without a reaction, I will be able to be effective and directive
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of what job I have – they are all in their very origin the same – I mean, all jobs consists of doing something with one’s human physical body, and within that all jobs are equal; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and evaluate jobs as having different value, and to define myself according to the value of these jobs – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and experience anxiety in relation to having a low-value job – believing that this will define me, and that unless I am able to achieve a so called high value job, then my life will have a low value
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a slave to attempting and trying prove myself to others, attempting and trying to gain and achieve some sort of response and recognition from others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, hold myself back, and make myself inferior in my mind, believing that I need to walk around in this world constantly looking for ways that I am able to impress others, believing that this is how I gain and achieve a value – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as self-value – to not stand as self-love – to not stand as self-appreciation – self-enjoyment – and to see, realize and understand that I do not require to play this game of looking for recognition but that I am able to live practically, physically and be in this world but not of this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and define myself as requiring to achieve some sort of recognition with others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dedicate my life towards trying and attempting to be loved by others, seen by others, valued by others, appreciated by others – instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop this search for recognition and instead ask myself – who am I here? What is that I want? How is that I want it? What is practical? What isn’t practical? And within that focus on this point of pushing and establishing an effective physical living for others and myself in this world that isn’t driven by a desire to be accepted by others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that I need and require acceptance from others, that I need and require recognition from others, that I need and require to be accepted and acknowledged by others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am through holding unto this idea limiting myself – and that really I do not require such a point from others – I do not require to become something, to be acknowledged as something, to be regarded as something, to have others feel about me in some way – it’s not a practical physical dependency it’s simply a mind-job – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stabilize myself here within and as breath – and walk my life from a starting point of practicality – as walking in this world but not being of this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that the only way I am able to build a life for myself in this world is through having others recognize and value me, is through having others see me, be impressed with me, and acknowledge me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally let go of this limitation, to realize that physically I need to have a home, I need to eat, I need to drink water, I need shit – and I mean – those points are physical needs – but I do not in-fact require recognition, I do not in-fact require and need someone telling me how good I am, how effective I am, how strong I am, how important I am – that is nonsense of the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as nonsense of the mind instead of pushing myself to remain stable, physical and effective here in every moment of breath – and realize that this is real worth, this is real value, this is real and substantial – it has an actual importance to me on a physical level – because when I accept and allow myself to remain stable here – all of my life become so much simple, so much more clear, and so much more effective on all levels; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see that what is of actual value and worth is what is physical, and is what I develop physically here as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the point of what is actual value, and to believe that value is to be noticed by another, that value is to be respected by another, that value is to be acknowledged by another, that value is to be heard by another, instead of realizing that this is not real value – this is merely experiences, merely energy and not an actual physical substance that I can touch – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that value is energy instead of realizing that energy is not really value at all – but what is of value is me living physically effective here in every moment of breath
When and as I see that I make a decision, or react, in relation to wanting others to see me as important, valuable, and give me recognition, and have me be seen by others, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that is not real value – this is not a real point – it’s merely an experience and that I want to base my life on a experience; as such I commit myself to realize that real value is here in every moment – as I make a decision to be here with myself – to remain stable and directive and not go flying of into my mind reality
When, and as I see that I am going into and as a experience of wanting to achieve and be successful in order to make others notice me, and value me, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am within doing this, limiting myself extensively, holding myself back, and making myself a victim to energy, or rather, making myself give up my life in favor of energy; as such I commit myself to take a breath, bring myself back here – and instead of valuing and giving attention to energy – give myself as the physical attention and value – realizing that the physical represents real and actual value