Day 109: Living Up To My Ideals

Today I would like to write about self-judgment. This is a point that during the last days have been accumulating within me.

The context of this self-judgment, as it comes up within me, is that I will have, during my day, said or done something which I in hindsight believe haven’t been up to standards – it was the wrong thing to say, it was stupid to say, to was ridiculous to say – and the thought coming up within me in the moment, as I look back on the event – is a big NO – I shouldn’t have said or done that!

In connection with this thought an experience of embarrassment together with anxiety arise within me, and I can see that I am within my mind, looking at myself from the perspective of how I believe others see me – I look at myself from a third person view, and create these various thoughts towards myself, as I see myself act and behave and speak.

When I look at how I’ve behaved and acted in self-honesty, I am able to see that there isn’t necessarily anything wrong or bad with what I’ve said or done – mostly it’s these very minor mistakes, or errors, as I perceive them; such as for example: yesterday I was in school, and decided to speak on a particular subject, yet the point didn’t come out very clearly, and I also became nervous and shaky in my voice as I shared the point – I mean, looking at this, it’s obvious that this is not in anyway severe or bad and something that I in the future, in all ways should attempt and try to avoid – it was simply me not being clear on a point, and then as I shared it, my communication and sharing of the point reflected how I wasn’t yet effectively standing and being clear as to what it was I communicated.

What I see being the solution, is that I must be more gentle with myself, and accept and allow myself to make mistakes – also as experiences come up from within me, what I tend to do is that I judge myself for having these experiences come up within me, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be gentle and patient, and get to know the points, get to know myself – and change myself – not from a starting point of blame and self-judgment – but from within and as a starting point of being gentle with myself.

I can also see this point of hardness not only coming through within, but I also express it outwardly, and it reveals in how I deal with, and direct relationships in my direct world – I tend to be very harsh, brutal and inconsiderate – and the motto I hold is the one of “Do it now, and do it right!” – instead of realizing that with some points, this stance isn’t very effective at all – because some points do require another approach – a more gentle, considerate and soft approach – which is something that I will work with; to allow myself to be gentle with myself and others in my world.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself, judge myself, be angry at myself, and frustrated when I perceive that I am doing mistakes, when I am faulting, and when I am not behaving as I perceive that I should behave and experience myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, to not be more soft in my approach with myself – and within this accept and allow myself to make mistakes and not judge myself for doing such

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself and judge myself when I make mistakes, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from myself that I will always do everything perfect immediately, and I will not in anyway fail, and make a mistake – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsiderate towards myself, wherein I am not taking myself into account, but simply expecting of myself that I will do what is necessary to be done, not questions asked, I will get the point immediately, no questions asked – and if I don’t – well then I am apparently a complete failure who must be punished

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself within myself, to go into and as these punishing sprees within my mind, wherein I am berating myself, thinking that I am not good enough – why didn’t I immediately walk through this point, why do I experience myself like this, why haven’t I yet changed this particular point? And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, and accept and allow myself to move slowly, to open up one point at a time, and to when I make decisions in my world, to take myself into account as who I am here – and not as the idea of who I want to be that exists within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea in my mind of who and what I want to be, that I compare myself with, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, be caring and loving towards myself, wherein I do not accept and allow myself to be harsh and judgmental with myself, but wherein I instead take things slowly, walk points as fast as I am able to walk them, and I do not expect more of myself than what I am currently able and capable of walking effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect more from myself than what I am able to practically and effectively walk, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught in a state of expectation, that I should be, express and experience myself as I see in my mind, as the idea I’ve created of who and what I should be, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be HERE with myself, and realize that this what I am here in this moment, this is what is real, this is what is of actual physical reality – and the ideals existing in my mind – that is not real – that is a idea of who and what I should be and not what and who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk practically, physically here in this physical world, and thus work with myself on a very simplistic, basic, physical level – working with myself as I am here in this moment, and thus not expecting of myself that I should be or experience myself as something more than what I am here – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this perception and idea that I must behave as this self-realized human being, that exists in my mind, and that I must also experience myself as this self-realized human-being that exists within and as my mind – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself, and creating consequences for myself when I expect myself to be and behave as something that I am not yet able to stand and live as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should be able to stand and live as the idea of myself that I’ve created in my mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself, and create huge consequences for myself, when I constantly go and hold unto this dream image of who I should be – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself here – and live in a idea of who I should be – instead of seeing who I am here – and working with who I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that judging myself for mistakes that I’ve made is irrational, because it implies that I am holding unto a idealized version of myself in my mind that apparently shouldn’t have made the mistake that I did – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I did do that particular mistake, and that this is the reality of who I am, and that it’s nothing bad, or wrong – it’s simply the reality of who I am here – and thus I am able to take this point – work with it – and instead push myself to in practical physical reality stabilize myself and learn from my mistakes and upgrade myself in real-time application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a ideal of who I should be that I compare myself with, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when it is that I do not stand and live up to this ideal existing within and as my mind – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of all ideals, let go of all desires of who and what I should be, and instead work with who I am here – bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – to breath – to being here with myself – and realize that this is what is real – and thus this is what I must work with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my ideals of who I should be aren’t real, but are in-fact only existing in my mind, as ideas, as believes, as hopes, as experiences – and thus to compare myself towards these is simply irrational – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when and as I make a mistake, that this is nothing bad, it’s nothing to judge, it’s nothing to put blame on myself for – it’s simply is what it is – and it’s a opportunity for me to correct myself, to get to know myself better, to make my application more effective, more specific – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here to myself – and accept and allow myself to work with myself as what is here

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am judging myself, through comparing myself with an ideal in my mind of how I should be, how I should behave, how I should experience myself, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am limiting myself and creating consequences for myself, because I am trying to live up to something in my mind that isn’t real and practical – and thus I commit myself to work with myself directly here – and not exist in my mind in ideas of who I should be – but instead breath and be here with who and what I am here for real

When and as I see that I am going into judgment, and comparison – and I think that I’ve made a terrible mistake, a terrible error, because I’ve not lived up to the ideas I have of myself in my mind, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that these ideas of myself aren’t real, and only serve to create friction within me, wherein I attempt and try to live up to something, and create myself as something, that isn’t in-fact practical and real; thus I commit myself to be with myself here – to work with what is here as myself in-fact instead of judging what is here as myself

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2 thoughts on “Day 109: Living Up To My Ideals

  1. Pingback: Can Being Obsessed With Stress Make You a Sucess? DAY 261 | Anna's Journey to Life

  2. Pingback: Are You A Follower? DAY 262 | Anna's Journey to Life

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