Day 134: Being Right and Being Wrong

Today as I was working, I ended up in a conversation with some customers – and we discussed the city that we live in. I mentioned some facts about the city, where they are building something new, and where they are making repairs. One of the customers filled in my descriptions, and in that it was revealed that some of my assertions wasn’t correct. In that moment I felt attacked, and embarrassed.

Afterwards I asked myself why it is that I reacted to this, and I realized that it’s because I place value on a idea of myself as being correct and right when it comes to information, and knowing things – when I do not know, or I am not right, I tend to see myself as worthless. Further, I saw that I define myself as intelligent, and that I keep up this persona of intelligence through saying things that are right – sharing the ‘right’ information – and when I fail in doing this I will go into the opposite polarity of feeling stupid and embarrassed.

The main problem that I see is as such my tendency to base myself in this intelligence, and academia persona, which I do because I believe that without it, I would apparently be inferior and less than. So, the inferior, and less than experience – that is what is the driving force within it all, and it’s this experience that I want to avoid and run away from.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that the foundation of me is worthless, and useless, and that I require, and must build on top of this foundation a idea, and a superior character, that is intelligent, and that is filled with academic facts – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as my natural self-expression, and instead live, and strive, and move myself form within and as trying to gain respect, and trying to gain worth, and trying to gain recognition, thinking, believing and perceiving that this is something I lack otherwise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I must always be right, that I must know the most exact, profound, and intricate academic facts, and that I must show to others how conversant, and familiar I am with a particular topic – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dream, and desire, to create myself in my daily living to become the idea of intelligence, and supreme cognitive abilities, thinking, perceiving and believing that this would add to my value, and that it’s only through achieving and attaining this point that my life will be of any value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that when I say something that is wrong, and that is not correct, and this is pointed out to me, that I am attacked, and that I am threatened, and that my value, and worth have now declined, and I have made a fool out of myself, and as such I require to get back, to get up, and to make sure that I am yet again noticed, and seen for my great cognitive abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being stupid, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto an idea of myself, especially in regards to mathematics, that I am quite stupid, that I simply don’t get it, and that I am as such not as valuable and worthy as others are, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, be hard on myself, and feel that there is something wrong with me, and that the only way I am able to rehabilitate this particular problem, is through making sure that I build a character, and personality of myself in the world system that is recognized, and that is awarded with praise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider, and define myself as being without a inherent worth, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without having achieved something in the system, without having gained a position, a recognition, a skill, and appraisal, then I am nothing, and thus my life is worth nothing – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through my life strive to present myself as being in control, as being right, as having the correct, specific, and relevant knowledge, so that I am as such able to impress people, and build up my résumé, so that I can feel valuable – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take personally, and feel attacked, and subjugated, and assaulted, when and as someone point out to me that my knowledge, my seeing, and my definitions are not correct – and are not right

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as a person that is always right – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pride myself in feeling that I am always right, and I always know the correct answer, and I always know what to say, and what not to say, when to say it, and when not to say it – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself hold unto, and pride myself within and as a idea of myself as being intelligent, and insightful, thinking that I am able to know lot’s of knowledge, and I am able to be right about most things, and because of this I am apparently worth something more than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto memories of my mother telling me that I am good in school, that I am effective at learning, and that I could go and do whatever it is that I want to do, because that’s how effective, and stable, and directive I am – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in a positive experience towards this memory, and feel within that memory uplifted, boosted, and elevated – to feel as if; “Yes, finally I get the recognition that I deserve!” – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to manifest and re-create this moment, and this experience in my daily living, over, and over, and over again – believing that this is the only way I am able to live self-worth, and value, and that this is the only way I am able to accept myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally, and in this see, realize and understand, that I can’t be right all of the time, and that whether I am right or wrong, doesn’t in-fact define me unless I accept and allow it, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be unconditional with myself, and accept and allow myself to share myself with others, without trying to gain recognition, and achieve to have others see me as intelligent, and academically effective, but that I instead accept myself, worth myself, and love myself – and appreciate myself – and that this is something that I do unconditionally without attempting, trying, and wanting another to do this for me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am reacting in my mind, because I feel that I have made a fool out of myself, because I have not said something that is right, correct, and factual, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that whether I say something that is correct, or incorrect, I don’t require to define myself according to this – but that I can instead accept myself unconditionally, and value myself unconditionally – and as such be free from my own judgments; and as such I commit myself to breathe – and to speak, and express myself as self-value and self-worth – not trying to achieve this through being recognized by others – but instead speaking as these words through not worrying, or defining myself according to whether, or whether not I am correct or incorrect

When and as I see that I am feeling worthless, and embarrassed because I’ve said something that wasn’t correct, and I within that feel attacked, and made to be less when someone points this point out, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I do not require to define myself according to whether, or whether not I am right, or not right, and that obviously – the value of me as the physical is always the same regardless of whether I have the correct facts or not; and as such I commit myself to remain stable and not define myself according to the words I speak and the information I share – but to let the information I share be but information I share – nothing more and nothing less

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