Day 149: New Environment – Who Should I Be?

I have started a new job this summer – and its been interesting to get into and experience a new environment, particularly because its been triggering many latent mind-points which I’ve not paid attention to before.

The one primary experience that I’ve had while starting and working at this new job is that of fear and insecurity – I basically feel awkward with new people, and I am quite sure it has something to do with the experience I have, that I don’t really know my place so to speak – I don’t know who I should be in relation to others, what is acceptable to say, and what isn’t? How is it acceptable to act and behave and what ways aren’t?

On top of this I also feel a desire to achieve and impress my new colleagues as well as my boss. I want to show that I am an asset, that I am good at what I am doing, and that I am no loser, that is but deadweight on the organization. The consequence of this is that I can’t be myself, and I find myself going into fear of asking questions, or discussing points in relation to work, because I worry about how they are going to interpret and see me, and all of this leads to self-compromise, and that I do not learn, integrate and take in as much of the environment, the work, and my responsibilities within that as possible – something that I would’ve been able to do far more effectively if I’d been stable, breathing and silent – moving here with my body and integrating without any mental expectations and ideas in regards to what it is that I am doing.

Thus, todays blog I will dedicate to walking self-forgiveness on this point, and I will also write out self-commitment statements that I can live at work in order to support myself to stabilize, so that I can enjoy and be effective at my work.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear that I will not please others, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t appear perfect, and effective, and good at what I am doing at my work, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as inferiority, and feeling less than, because I believe that I require to be something more than myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide myself while I am at work, in believing that there is something wrong with the natural expression of me, and that I as such require to put it away far back into my mind, and present a more clean, and likable façade outwards, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that its an idea that I have, that apparently, my natural expression is dirty, and bad, and should be suppressed, not seeing, realizing and understanding that there is obviously nothing wrong with my natural, flowing, me-expression, but that its simply a expression, a natural physical movement, that isn’t wrong, or bad, but simply natural – and within this natural movement of myself I can interact and walk my responsibilities equally effectively, if not more effectively than what I could existing in a state of mind as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being less than others, and then believe that I require to present a picture perfect façade of being confident, strong, and decisive to others, thinking that unless I do this, there is something wrong with me, and there is something I am not doing as I should, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am within holding unto this idea in-fact limiting myself, and holding myself back from being effective at work, because its obvious that when I let go of my character of fear, I can instead focus upon what is real, what is here, and what is of actual importance and relevance, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take breath and let this character go as it comes up, and instead be here, relaxed, at ease, and comfortable with my human physical body, and simply express myself naturally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am something which I am not in the hope to be recognized and approved by others, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be recognized, and approved by others, in the belief that this will stabilize me and my world, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that only I can stabilize my own world, and that this must be done through my own decision, and movement, and that I can’t be given this by someone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to get recognition, and get approval from others, in the belief that this is something they are able to give to me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that at the end of the day, I am only able to give to myself recognition and approval, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, to let go of this drive within to have others like me, and appreciate me, and instead give myself the gift of liking and appreciating myself, and realizing that this is sufficient, and that I do not need anyone else, or anyone more to like, and appreciate, and consider, and be nice to me – I can do this for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am interacting with someone in a conversation, or in some other way, to then have it as my starting point that I am inferior and must get up to the same level as them, through making sure that they like me, so in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not approach situations and moments as an equal, to not approach people in my world as an equal, seeing, realizing and understand that in the flesh – we are in-fact equal – and that its only the processes of the mind that creates the illusion that there is some form of hierarchy that separates us – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on bringing myself back to my body – back to my physical breath – back to my physical stability – and participate from within and as a starting point of equality and oneness – from within and as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as anxiety, fear, worry and concern that I will not produce sufficient results for others to take a liking in me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to like me because of the results I produce, and want them to be nice to me, so that I won’t feel isolated, or left out, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move, and motivate myself from within and as a fear, and anxiety of being left out and isolated, instead of approaching each situation, and each moment, as a equal, as a equal individual that is here in the flesh and that is thus neither more neither less

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into fear, anxiety or inferiority towards others, and I am starting to look for some way in which I can impress others or get them to like me, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that I am through living out this character compromising myself, and that all that is required for me to change this, is a shift in my awareness, a shift back into my physical, and as such I commit myself to bring myself back here – and practice interacting, talking, being with, and working with others as a physical equal and one human physical being – that is not mind-driven – but rather driven through and as a purely physical motivation

When and as I see that I am going into fear of talking with others, or expressing myself with others, because I perceive another to be in a higher hierarchy in comparison to me, and thus worth more than me, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that I am in-fact compromising myself through going into this fear, and that there is another way to live, where I can express as an equal, and be in the system, but not of the system – and as such I commit myself to practice in the physical approach moments, and situations as an equal – through breathing in and out – and relaxing my physical bodyletting go of tensions – and then expressing myself naturally and comfortable – without inhibitions or worries as to how others interpret or see me

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