Day 150: Horrible, Horrible Creases

Another day at my work, and today I went into an paranoia in relation to having creases in my shirt, and what my colleagues would think about that. Several times I found myself looking at my shirt, or tucking in my shirt, or fiddling with my shirt, just to make it look more flat – and the basic fear of this point was: MONEY.

And I am noticing this about my fears, that they are almost every time in some type of relationship with money, wherein the most prominent point is the fear of loosing money – and my guess is that this is what most of humanity fears as well – loosing money.

I’ve opened up and walked this point before, yet here I am facing a new dimension of the point – the office setting – and me feeling that I am constantly being judged, analyzed and evaluated by my co-workers in regards to whether I am doing good or not – the fascinating point is that my co-workers at this particular job are actually very relaxed, helpful, and understanding – they know that I am new, and accordingly they don’t expect great things from me – instead they show me how the work is done, and assist and support in guiding me to the right conclusions. Thus, this mind-point is completely imaginary, and it only exists within and as my mind – there is really nothing to fear about me not performing as effectively as I think and perceive that I should perform.

Thus, I realize how fear is self-compromising, and how it leads me into a state of mind where I don’t appreciate my body, my breath, and the physical as it exists here – in-fact – I am not even aware of it – because everything that seemingly matter is my fear – my experience.

Another point that I noticed, was that I became hard on myself, disappointed, that I had this fear experience, because in my mind, I’d concluded that I was done with this fear point, I’d transcended and walked through it, and there wasn’t anything more to be done – yet – here the fear is again and I am still becoming possessed by it; yet – this is simply another aspect of the fear that I hadn’t yet considered, and that I am facing now, because I am walking into a new aspect and part of my life – so thus – I see that I must be patient with myself and walk through this fear, and let go of this particular dimension of the point – and as such not accept and allow myself to go into depression and apathy because I didn’t get it immediately – rather – move on – push on – and walk the necessary process to be walked – until it’s done.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and anxiety that my co-workers are going to judge my shirt as being creasy, and thus judge me as a person that doesn’t effectively care for his body, and within that draw conclusions about me that I am not to be trusted, that I am not to be recognized, and that I am not someone that is supposed to be in that particular environment – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are going to judge me and that this will cause me to in the end loose money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience it as if I am constantly being watched, constantly being evaluated, and constantly being analyzed, and that my value, and my status, and my position is at stake in every moment, and that I thus must make sure that I push myself to the fullest of my abilities, to not in anyway be seen by others as being inferior, or not fitting in, or being strong enough – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear, and anxiety, and exist in this fear and anxiety, perpetually, and constantly, and feel that I am standing on a scene, where I require to impress others in my world, instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop competing, to stop attempting and trying to survive through fear, and instead trusting myself in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as if I am standing on a stage where each and every move that I make, each and every sound that I make, each and everything that I say or do, that this is going to be used against me, and that I am going to be attacked, and vilified, and loose my position the moment I make a mistake, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in essence, the origin of this fear is that I don’t trust myself – and that I don’t feel and believe that I am able to handle myself in this world – and that there is somehow some grave mistake about all of me – and that I have thus no chance in hell to walk through this lifetime effectively and specifically

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear, anxiety and worry in regards to my future career, and how that will play out, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a perpetual state of fear, and worry, wherein I feel and experience that each moment is a test where my ability to survive is measured – and that I as such require to fight through my life, I require to fight through moments, I require to fight through my existence and make sure that I better myself and become the absolute best that I can be – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am in-fact limiting myself, and holding myself back, because I am not accepting and allowing myself to walk in self-trust – to realize that there exist such a point within me where I trust myself – I depend on myself – I rely on myself – and I am able to stand with myself into infinity – beyond death – and there exist as such no fear of death because I know that I will stand by myself regardless of what I will face in this life or the hereafter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear, anxiety, worry and concern, and believe that I can only survive and make it through in this world, and in this lifetime through moving myself within and as fear, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is another way to move myself, and that I can move, direct, and will myself through this lifetime, within and as self-trust, within and as self-movement, wherein fear is not what drives me, but I drive, motivate, and move myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move, drive, and motivate myself, and within this accept and allow myself to stand, and walk this lifetime without fear, but instead upon the basis of common sense, and what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself, and hold myself back when fear takes over, and that fear makes my life unnecessary to live, because what is the point of walking through an entire lifetime, if all that I do is following my fears? It would mean that I haven’t ever followed through on myself, followed through on what I see is relevant, and effective, and what I see it is that I am able to do and walk effectively in this world and express myself within and as – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, to move and direct myself in each moment of breath according to what is best for all, and according to what I am able to see supports me, and supports those around me, and thus live as a beacon of life, and a beacon of expression, instead as of a beacon of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this new dimension and aspect of life, as working, from a starting point of fear, instead of accepting and allowing myself to explore and walk this new point from a starting point of self-expression, of self-enjoyment, of expanding myself and my capabilities and becoming more effective, more stable, and more directive in my expression and movement, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can’t accept and allow myself to anymore exist in fear, because it totally limits me and my potential, and consequently limits those around me, as they can’t take part of me in my full potential and see what it means to stand and live as an example of full potential – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have the opportunity in every moment of breath to stand up from this fear and directing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself, and fear trusting myself, in fear that if I walk my life in this way, I won’t get anything done, and I won’t manage to do anything with my life, and at the end of my life, as I stand before death, I will look back in disappointment and think that I could’ve done more, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that it’s totally counterintuitive to live in this way – that when I live in fear all my life become is fear and there is really no ME living to talk about; and as such I commit myself to practice living my life without fear in all ways – to make this my end goal – to have no form of fear in me whatsoever – so that I can make the most of my life and live every moment to its fullest potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that at the end of the day – living without fear will be a much more fulfilling life than living with fear – that really isn’t life at all – and as such I commit myself to LIVE and fulfill myself in living through walking out of fear – and supporting myself to breath through fear and stop the fear thoughts as they arise within me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fear that I am not producing a sufficiently effective result, and that I am not pleasing to others around me, and that really they are annoyed and irritated with my presence, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in-fact limiting myself through going into this fear, and that to live fully – I can’t allow fear to exist within me in anyway whatsoever – and as such I commit myself to breathe and stop this fear – and bring myself back to and as my human physical body – and to stabilize myself here in breath and realize that this is what is real – breath is real – living physically is real – and that is what I must value and constantly have as my goal – and as such let go of these fear characters

I commit myself to LIVE and I realize that living can only exist when there is no fear – and as such I commit myself to let go of fear – and to walk this process practically – through immediately as a fear thought arise within me – to apply self-forgiveness and let it go – and utilize writing and self-forgiveness when I see that thoughts are accumulating and that I am not effectively directing them – to as such slowly but surely integrate myself into my full potential of living as living one and equal with and as my human physical body as this physical reality

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One thought on “Day 150: Horrible, Horrible Creases

  1. Pingback: Day 153: Social Blunder | Viktor Persson

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